Like being sedated - and not in a good way

[braveheart]

I was talking today in therapy about how it breaks my heart that I perpetuate my own outcast-ness now, continuing how I was marginalised and alienated in the past, now.

Suddenly, as I was on the verge of tears I switched out of it somehow - this wasn't a completely conscious process. And it was like I was heavily sedated or drugged - I couldn't feel anything. [Apart from frustration] I was there, but not there. Nothing seemed important and it was kind of like being on a cloud, I was quietly giggly and 'silly' and I couldn't get myself out of it. My therapist 'reached in' to me which shifted things a bit, but I'm still sort of in that state. It's like I can't think or feel. I feel slight anxiety, and irritable, but apart from that I can't think straight.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced similar, and also for me to have a safe space here to try and get my head around it all.

[ladylore]

What your talking about I can relate too.

The way I see it is that are bodies and minds are miraculous, protecting us when things feel too overwhelming. It sounds Braveheart that you were in a very scary place and your mind may have switched over to a track that is more familiar and safer.

This type of place can be scary too but I do truely believe that its a built in system (warning system) to detect danger and take us out of harms way.

I have been told to say thank you to that system for keeping me safe. And I have checked this out and there is no danger right now - its ok to calm down.

I know - easier said then done. What I am feeling for you and with this experience is compassion.

[Halo]

Braveheart,

While I can't say that I have ever experienced that sort of feeling, I can appreciate that it must be frightening. My only thought would be try some of your techniques to see if you can help ground yourself in a safe way.

I am glad that you are able to open up here and let it out of your head. Hopefully someone else will be able to relate to those feelings.

Take care

[Into The Light]

that sounds like a frightening experience. did you and your therapist talk about it and how to get yourself grounded again?

[braveheart]

Thank you....

I think I'm starting to 'come back to myself' now. With a hell of a lot of anger and sadness.
It's really starting to hit me that I was an outcast, and continue that now. And I don't know how to get free.
Being an outcast is so terrifying, it's no wonder I dissociated, I suppose. I never really properly felt it before.

Grounding? Hmm. This isn't like my usual dissociation, it was in a different league altogether. Yelling and shouting and screaming seems to help. But in the right place....

[Into The Light]

that sounds very intense. almost like all the anger and pain and sadness was just too much to deal with in session, so your body just numbed you to it. and now some of it is starting to come out. it sounds a little scary but i don't know if you are feeling afraid? i hope you aren't.

i know you feel like an outcast right now but i think as you continue your journey and heal that that feeling one day won't be there anymore.

[braveheart]

Thank you.

I have waves of fear, inbetween shutting down.

[Into The Light]

is your therapist available to you by phone to help you through this some?

[Halo]

Thank you.

I have waves of fear, inbetween shutting down.

I can appreciate and understand those feelings and I think you are very strong to be able to work through those.

When is your next therapy appointment? Do you think that you will be able to talk to her about the waves of fear and shutting down?

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

[braveheart]

Therapy today. Am just home from it.
We talked about... everything. Including my feelings of being utterly ugly and defective.

And talking and exploring the ache of my desires... feels a relief. I don't know where it will go yet, but it's a start.

I feel really vulnerable. And I'm trying to accept the vulnerability of adult me, rather that placing it in 5 year old me, which feels safer, but isn't really.