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Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

General Support and Advice - Welcome to Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forums: Somebody has to know what to do. I feel myself pulling back from everyone and closing up inside myself. I'm ...

 

  1. #1

    Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...



    Somebody has to know what to do. I feel myself pulling back from everyone and closing up inside myself. I'm tired of hurting, being hurt and feeling alone...

    I spent the first half of my life alone in a houseful of people because I could not open up without getting hurt. Every time I did open up, I was betrayed or left alone to cry without any help. If I close down and become apathetic towards everything and just go through life doing what I have to do to care for my responsibilities... the pain grows numb after awhile.

    I had found someone who brought trust, passion and joy into my life like a whirlwind. He has become bitter, angry and apathetic... he doesn't reach for me anymore... the passion has gone from his eyes and his touch is almost forced anymore. He loves me, but is dealing with a spinal cord injury and the fact that he cannot walk unassisted anymore, can't work, can't help me around the house and cannot even lay with me in bed without excruciating pain hitting him.

    I feel so selfish crying and feeling so lonely and depressed... I keep saying that I have no right to be upset at what is happening to me, when he is going through so much... but I literally can'y bear up anymore. I am falling to pieces because I need him so much. He can't be there for me because he is battling to find his own sense of peace and accept what he has been dealt in life. I try so hard to be loving. I accept his lashouts with grace and quietly stay supportive, because I love him so much and want to help him. I am out of strength. If I close up I will lose eveything. HELP!!

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  3. Re: HELP! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    Hi Maiden,

    Sorry you are having such a rough time of it,

    My 1st thought would be to maybe start with your Gp and ask for a referral to a counselor or psychologist. It would appear from reading the above that ye both have a huge loss to deal with and I wonder if some counseling would help ye. Maybe together as a couple or individual, If your husband doesn't want to seek help (I don't know if he does or not) you obviously need someone to help you deal with all that is happening in your life right now.

    Not sure if this helps at all, other members here might have some more ideas for you, in the meantime keep posting, we are here for you.

  4. Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    It is hard when you feel helpless to help someone you care for so much. I think talking to a councilor will help maybe get some ideas on on to cope with all the stress and pain. Is there anyone you can talk to a supportive family member
    Maybe getting your husband doctor to reassess his medication to help decrease his pain would help as well. Sending you some support your way
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  5. #4

    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    I only have my daughter and she is struggling to maintain her sanity as it is. The rest of my family have pretty much written me off. My husband and children ARE my family. His parents are close by, but his mom is a mess emotionally and she needs constant help... and his dad is just old school. Supportive, but not much help when it comes to talking things out.

  6. Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    I am sorry you feel so alone in all this. I feel overwhelmed so much some times i can't think straight. I have a therapist for those times i would think it would be helpful to you to have some help. Someone to talk too and get some support from Talk with you GP and let him or her know your struggles and ask if you can get some counciling set up just for you.
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  7. #6

    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    I have an issue with getting a counselor. I have gone to them in the past because of the degree of depression I reached - suicidal and desperate. I have been on meds several times but they only make me jittery. I feel better emotionally, but I get tense, clench my jaw constantly and my neck and shoulders are always tense and stiff. It doesn't seem to matter which med it is, it does the same thing. I have tried at least four. I have taken St. Johns Wort with some success, but mine is mostly distorted thinking that can be talked out and worked through.

    I have such a warped view of myself. I see myself as ugly, fat and worthless. I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want me. But reality is this: I am about 80 pounds overweight, but hold it decently well. I am an accomplished artist and graphic designer, and I am well-received and well-liked by many. Most people see me as friendly, warm, intelligent and funny. My husband says people are drawn to me because of my sincere warmth and beautiful smile. He also tells me I am beautiful all the time - and he means it. He says both on the outside - and the inside - that is why he says I am a rare find. But all the praise, and even the reality that I know to be factual doesn't change the deep-seated belief that I am unlovable and unworthy of anything because I am fat and ugly and doomed to be alone - because that is what I began to believe at some point in my early life. That is why I shut down. Then I am alone. I feel it is an inevitable destiny and I am afraid of it... but it is somehow oddly comforting the same. Is that weird or what?

    I know if I can't stop this, I will be alone and I will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    How do you turn off the voices inside that constantly deride and plant doubts and find fault and just plain devastate your attempts to build self-esteem? I have read and read, talked and talked to counselors ... nothing seems to help. Can it be that I am doomed to feel this way until I draw my last breath on my deathbed when I am withered and old? I can't accept that. There's a song by Breaking Benjiman that the chorus says "Hopeless. I cannot hold on; I will not let go." That is how I have felt for years and I want to get out! I will bang this head until it falls off to get this to go away!

  8. #7

    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    I have an issue with getting a counselor. I have gone to them in the past because of the degree of depression I reached - suicidal and desperate.
    What is the issue? Do you mean you have trouble finding one or getting an appointment? Or do you mean you haven't found one yet that is a good match?

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    I have been on meds several times but they only make me jittery. I feel better emotionally, but I get tense, clench my jaw constantly and my neck and shoulders are always tense and stiff. It doesn't seem to matter which med it is, it does the same thing. I have tried at least four.
    Can you tell me which one's you've tried?

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    I have taken St. Johns Wort with some success
    Honestly, I've never seen this really work for anyone, ever. I think at best it's probably a placebo effect for anything but very mild "depression".

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    mine is mostly distorted thinking that can be talked out and worked through.

    I have such a warped view of myself. I see myself as ugly, fat and worthless. I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want me. But reality is this: I am about 80 pounds overweight, but hold it decently well. I am an accomplished artist and graphic designer, and I am well-received and well-liked by many. Most people see me as friendly, warm, intelligent and funny. My husband says people are drawn to me because of my sincere warmth and beautiful smile. He also tells me I am beautiful all the time - and he means it. He says both on the outside - and the inside - that is why he says I am a rare find. But all the praise, and even the reality that I know to be factual doesn't change the deep-seated belief that I am unlovable and unworthy of anything because I am fat and ugly and doomed to be alone - because that is what I began to believe at some point in my early life. That is why I shut down. Then I am alone. I feel it is an inevitable destiny and I am afraid of it... but it is somehow oddly comforting the same. Is that weird or what?
    No, it's not weird. It's, sadly, not even very uncommon, especially in women. It is something that could be addressed successfully in therapy, though - with the right therapist for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    I know if I can't stop this, I will be alone and I will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    How do you turn off the voices inside that constantly deride and plant doubts and find fault and just plain devastate your attempts to build self-esteem? I have read and read, talked and talked to counselors ... nothing seems to help. Can it be that I am doomed to feel this way until I draw my last breath on my deathbed when I am withered and old? I can't accept that. There's a song by Breaking Benjiman that the chorus says "Hopeless. I cannot hold on; I will not let go." That is how I have felt for years and I want to get out! I will bang this head until it falls off to get this to go away!
    Sometimes, you need to be persistent. My guess is that if this were your child or husband or another loved one you wouldn't have stopped after 4 medications or X number of attempts at therapy. You would persist and advocate for that loved one until you found someone and some medication that worked to address the issue. Why do any less for yourself?

  9. #8
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    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    have been on meds several times but they only make me jittery.
    Have you tried the newer stuff like Lexapro?

    Also, just as there are antidepressants like Wellbutrin that can be stimulating, they are antidepressants like Remeron than can be sedating. So that's another reason I agree with trying different types (and, ideally, seeing a psychiatrist rather than a general practitioner).
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  10. #9

    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    maidenofknight - I wouldn't presume to know the depth of your struggles. But I believe that I can imagine that you might be both frightened and frustrated. Perhaps even angry. A couple of things if I may:

    Quote Originally Posted by maidenofknight View Post
    I have been on meds several times but they only make me jittery. I feel better emotionally, but I get tense, clench my jaw constantly and my neck and shoulders are always tense and stiff. It doesn't seem to matter which med it is, it does the same thing.
    This sounds different than the [usual] over-activation that many people can get with the newer antidepressants. from the words that you are using, you could be describing "dystonia" - a terrible, painful side-effect where muscles involuntarily tighten or clench. Makes me wonder if all of the antidepressants that you have tried are from the same chemical class (typically, SSRIs are the culprits). Have to agree that it is likely worth the aggrevation, frustration, cost etc. to see a psychiatrist - because you clearly are sensitive (at some level) to the chemical effects of the meds.

    From your title, unfortunately, you have experienced this before. I know that for me, some of my "survival behaviours" have outlived their usefulness. That is, they were very helpful in the past, but now can cause me more harm than help. When I find myself in this place, I try very, very hard to find something - anything that makes this time different. For me, if there is something - anything that is different, there is hope.

    I am wondering if it is different that you are reaching out in the way that you have done, on this forum. I have no doubt that you are in a very painful place. but by posting, you reached out. You actively chose to not close down and from my read of the thread, you reached out in a very effective way - many reached back.

    I know that this may not seem like much to you. and you may even have many thoughts countering absolutely everything that I am alluding to. But perhaps, hopefully, there will be enough of a ring of truth that you can see that this time, it absolutely can be different. Because you have already made it different.

    I admire the persistence that I can [see] between the lines of what you have shared.

    df

  11. #10

    Re: Help! I'm closing up and shutting down again...

    Dr. Baxter - Once I think about it there were three drugs tried. I have been on Prozac, Paxil, and about 4 months ago I tried another one. I am not sure of the name, but I think it was Celexa. It was given to me to counteract anxiety by my GP because I was really under alot of stress and I was a mess. I saw when I picked up the prescription that it was also used as an antidepressant... I took it, but the same thing happened so I just figured it was useless to try any more of them.

    My issue finding a counselor is finding a good fit. I do not to spill my guts to a disinterested person who is just bringing home a check. I have no medical coverage, I have limited income - through Social Security Disability (my current husband is disabled) and Survivor benefits (my previous husband died about 8 years ago) ... and I make some freelancing as a graphic designer. I cannot afford to pay the cost of counseling out of pocket or foot the bill for the expensive drugs. I will soon be losing my state funded medical coverage because my freelance is picking up and my income will be soon be rising above the assistance level... but not high enough to afford anything like that. Once the state assistance leaves our budget, all the money will have to be put into the void the assistance leaves and I will be back where I started money-wise. I have thought about just letting myself have a complete breakdown and be hospitalized, but my husband and daughter need me. I must keep together for them. I will check into local options for counseling, but I am leary, not real hopeful.

    I'm sorry I seem to be shooting down your help... but I have tried it before. If I can find a way to try again, I am willing, but it is very hard to trust that it will do much of anything.

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