I will try to condense this the best I can but I could really use someones take on this, as I feel totally confused!
My boyfriend is like smoke and mirrors - my boyfriends seems like a master confuser and passive aggressive manipulator. He deals with conflict by either withdrawing or attacking. When I say withdraw, I mean he completely disengages....I'm not even in the room and might as well be a ghost. He's dismissive of my feelings or tells me I'm insecure. According to him, he is NEVER responsible for his part in any of our conflicts, even though he has lost control in the past and freaked out at me in a rage...physical violence by breaking my stuff or even striking me. The physical abuse is over but the emotional mind games are not. If I want to talk about where we are at, or I want to resolve a conflict, he generally tells me to breathe...relax....I am paranoid or insecure. Then he ignores me, which becomes an issue in itself. It's a wall I can't get through and he guards himself completely. Sometimes he finds my need to explore him/us insulting!! If i am upset that he won't be honest and direct with me, he's insulted and turns it around to me and my insecurity!
He's out of town right now but has phoned to check in and to say "I love you" EXCEPT the three calls each came with a comment that upset me and then he thinks I'M nuts and doesn't take responsibility for what he said. First phone call...."I'm going to a nude beach today." Second phone call..."I'm going out with Cynthia tomorrow." Third phone call, "I was out for dinner with Peter, Debra and Erica last night." OKAY....the nude beach???? The second call pertains to a friend of his who we have NEVER looked up in the 10 years we have been going to this city to visit and he KNOWS I'm sensitive about her and the third call made it sound like a double date. He sounded innocent like just seeing friends but the way he worded it....I said the dinner with Peter, Debra and Erica (Erica i don't know) sounded like a double date and he says, yeah it was like a date I guess. He says he knows me inside and out so then he would KNOW I would react to these comments. When I do react, he calls me insecure and crazy. He acts so innocent like hey, they're just friends. Sure, friends he NEVER looks up when I'm with him out there every summer!
WHY does a person say something that he knows will get a rise out of you, cause emotional turbulance and then turn it on to you like YOU are the crazy one? It even amused him that I reacted!
I have run the gamut of "personality disorders" that he strikes me as having; narcissist...passive/aggressive....even psychopath! Does he sound like one or a variation of these to anyone else? I could write a book about him, but have condensed this into what probably sounds like a reactive, bewildering muddle, sorry. Help me....I feel scapegoated and gaslighted!