I'm 35 years old and I have two daughters from a previous marriage and one step daughter who lives with us half time. I am generally a calm, friendly person but I am so impatient with my children. I do not physically or verbally abuse them but I get very irritated by them easily. I have a supportive husband and I make time for myself when I can. I am going to school part time right now which does add a little stress. I guess I just want to know why I get so irritated with them. I really love them and I want to be a more patient, loving mom to them.
I have been trying to understand why I react the way I do and I think that it may stem from my childhood. I was raised in an alcoholic family, my parents were divorced when I was five and they were emotionally unavailable. If I could sum up my childhood, I would say lonely. I felt lonely and unloved. My mother was cold and did not show me affection very often and I felt that she didn't really want me around. I guess a part of me still feels like that little child and wants so much to be loved but is afraid that I will be rejected so I push those closest to me away.
I wish that I could open up more and stop being so irritated and angry all the time. I am a perfectionist and I expect perfection in my children as well and that is not fair to them. I have been to counselling and I know that I have a lot of wounds from my past but I want to know how I get past it. I have forgiven my parents and I don't feel anger towards them anymore. I used to feel so much hurt and anger towards them but it is gone now. I now have directed my anger towards my children and I need some tools to help me stop it. I am uncomfortable with intimacy and affection because I wasn't given enough as a child. When the kids get affectionate with me I tense up. Of course I give them lots of hugs and kisses but I still get that uncomfortable feeling sometimes when I do. I really want to be able to get past all my anger and just enjoy my children. I don't want to repeat my parents mistake. If you could give me any advice I would appreciate it.