I'm new here, and hope someone can help me sort some things out.
I am a 38yr old woman, and am suddenly thinking constantly about my childhood.
My father, who died 9 years ago aged 57, was an alcoholic who physically abused my mother, myself, and my siblings. We grew up quite poor, though we shouldn't have been, my dad had a good job but spent most of the money on alcohol and gambling.
My mother tried her best to look after us, but she must have had issues of her own. Emotionally, she just wasn't there for us. We had no guidance, or help with life at all.
Although I shouldn't, I find myself blaming my mother for a lot of mistakes I've made with my own life.
I met a man at 14, had his baby at 19, then married him and had 2 more children. I was with him for a total of 15 years. He was also an alcoholic. In that time, he physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me on numerous occasions. Although I didn't like the way I was treated, I was too gutless to leave until I discovered he had been sexually abusing our then 8 year old daughter. We have since divorced and he spent some time in jail for the crime.
There were many times when I would run to my mother's house when he had bashed me. I would cry all over her, and she would sympathise with me. Her advice always was along the lines of "Now, when you go home, try not to make him angry again" or if he was angry because we had no money for alcohol, my mother would offer me the money to buy some. I usually left there feeling a lot better, thinking that it was up to me, and I could make things ok with my husband.
Looking back, I wish so badly that she had told me to get the hell out of there - but she never did. I often wonder, if she did, maybe I would have left him, and my daughter would never have had to suffer the abuse from him.
I feel angry with her that she didn't teach me to respect myself, and that she didn't guide me when I was a teenager.
My kids are now 15, 16, and 19, and I am engaged to the most wonderful man who respects me and treats me like a princess. My kids adore him, he is the father they never had.
The issues I have with my mother are nagging at me constantly. She is now quite elderly and I don't want to upset her by bringing all this up with her. She doesn't handle conflict well, and I don't know what purpose it would serve to tell her what I've written about here.
Someone please help ???