Question about backseat drivers & therapy

[NicNak]

If I were to ask for more, it would be this: does it ever feel like a tug of war? Like divided loyalty? For example: Your trusted friend thinks you should try meds but your therapist discourages it.

When I was still working, some of my co-workers who were coping with mental illness would often talk about medications. Even though I believed it was said with the best intentions, it felt awkward to me, feeling almost obligated to divulge things.

Also, I did not know initally that psychiatrists do not usually do therapy. So when I was saying I was seeing a psychiatrist, most of my co-workers thought I went once a month for a prescription and left.

I have at least a half hour appointment with my psychiatrist to go over how the month went and how I was coping with different situations. If I didn't cope well with something, he would coach me as to how to try to handle it differently next time. He always says "call anytime you need" and he always calls back as quick as possable, if he does not answer the phone.

From what I hear he is "old school", by doing therapy with his patients.

Once I explained that, most were better about it. It is just hard to trust co-workers, especially with so much personal information.

No one else really questioned my doctors. Family and friends are generally supportive of my Family Doctor and Psychiatrists decisions on my treatments.

Your friend thinks the argument was your fault but your therapist thinks it was the other guy.

A situation happened like this once to me. I baught a computer from a friend that crashed after two months. The friend I baught it from said he would reformat it for me. There was no talk of a charge for fixing the computer. After a month, he had still kept saying he was too busy to fix it, so I went and baught another one new.

I had spoken to someone who knew computers well and they had told me I was way over charged for this used computer.

After the computer was fixed he said he was only going to charge me $200.00, because I assisted him with something earlier that week.

Needless to say, I wouldn't pay this person to fix it. He knew I baught another one while waiting. I was just thinking of having the other as a spare.

My psychiatrist went over the conversations with me and he deturmined that I did the right thing, even though I lost the friendship over it.

I dissassociate a fair bit, and often times can be quite nieve. So my psychiatrist will ask about personal interactions I have to see how I am doing in that way.

Your friend thinks the problem is in your childhood, but your therapist thinks it's about irrational thinking. Ever been in that kind of bind? What was that like? What did you do?

I have not had this particular situation arise.

[Jazzey]

If I were to ask for more, it would be this: does it ever feel like a tug of war? Like divided loyalty? For example: Your trusted friend thinks you should try meds but your therapist discourages it. Your friend thinks the argument was your fault but your therapist thinks it was the other guy. Your friend thinks the problem is in your childhood, but your therapist thinks it's about irrational thinking. Ever been in that kind of bind? What was that like? What did you do?

The majority of the time it feels like divided loyalties between my psychologist and my family. When I first started seeing a psychologist, I received such a backlash from my family that it made therapy much more difficult for me. Whether I liked it or not, in the back of my brain, I had all of those negative comments floating around. They had a similar reaction to the suggestion of an anti-depressant.

It's my psychologist who's given me permission to lie to my family about both now: my meds and my therapy. While I feel a little guilty for the lies, it makes my journey a heck of a lot easier. As far as my family is concerned, I quit therapy a long time ago (i.e. it wasn't helpful, they were right) and I'd never consider taking an anti-depressant.

My friends know the truth and have been nothing but supportive. They've also helped me recognize some of the things that I do in my day to day life, which have been shared with my psychologist. But I don't really share the sessions themselves with them; that's something that, for my own reasons, I'd like to only share with my psychologist.

[Turtle]

I wouldn't necessarily call it divided loyalties or a tug of war, but I would say that everyone in my life is a "backseat shrink". I'm pretty open about my "stuff" (up until a few weeks ago we thought it was unipolar depression, but have since figured out it's actually bipolar) but because I present such a "normal" front to everyone around me, they think my therapists are in left field, or don't know what they're talking about, that I don't need drugs, that I just need to eat better and sleep better and life will be good. People that meet me and find out I'm in therapy are often shocked and tell me I have no problems and I just need to hang out with them more .

My first loyalty is always going to be to myself, and I trust my therapists far more than I trust them, for all their "good" intentions. But, when it comes to my health and well-being, I'm paying an expert so that's who I'm listening to.

Sometimes, when there's no getting through, I just eventually shut up. I'm not out to prove anything, and I can't force anyone to accept my diagnosis. If they don't want to, that's ok, but my circle of friends gets smaller at the same time because I need people around me who will support me and lift me up, not bring me down and make me feel like crap and that I'm imagining it all or making it all up.

[Into The Light]

with my first therapist he had said something that made me feel unwanted, when i relayed this to a friend of mine, she (rightfully so) told me he shouldn't have said what he did. i found at that time that that was distressing to me, because i was trying to rationalize why he said what he did and why it was ok. i was trying to be ok with it but she made it harder for me to do so. looking back i can see she was right and he probably shouldn't have said what he did.

come to think of it, i should have brought it up with him and worked through it, but the fit wasn't quite right, and i didn't feel safe enough to do so.

back to the main point, i found it very distressing.

the trouble with friends and family is they don't necessarily fully appreciate the therapeutic relationship and don't understand how it works unless they've been in their own therapy. it's easy for them to criticize and say how your therapist is wrong. i think it's tough, i think if you know you have a good therapist and they are a good fit for you, that you need to take the comments with a grain of salt. however, if you are still in a very vulnerable place (dealing with depression and anxiety), it becomes a lot harder to know if their feedback is on target or not. if you are with a therapist who isn't quite right for you but you don't see that yet, then it becomes really tricky to know.

[Ryan Howes]

You guys are awesome. I've got plenty of great material to help inform my mini-series on backseat drivers. Chime in more on this topic if you'd like, but I've got plenty of inspiration and quotes.

Thank you again.

[white page]

As a therapist, how do you cope with patients who iare caught up with family resistence or
control, in the sense that the client begins to doubt the validity of your comments? because family or friends are, by their expressed subjective viewpoints, in contradiction with your awareness of the family dynamics involved which have led to the emotional distress of a client.

[suewatters1]

I go to therapy and a close friend of mine goes to therapy. I will tell him most of what was said in my therapy session except the stuff about him.
But I do ask him about his therapy sessions. I say how was your visit with your DR today? The he will respond it went well. If he wants to divulge more he might but I don't expect him to. I know everything going on in his life but his therapy session are personal and I don't expect him to talk to me about it unless he wants to and he does sometimes share parts of it.

Sue

[Ryan Howes]

Thanks for the comment White Page.

I'm writing a whole series on backseat drivers in therapy, which I plan to begin posting next week. I hope to address most of your questions in those posts. I hope those answers suffice, and if not, please let me know! Thanks again,

-Ryan Howes