Question about backseat drivers & therapy

[Ryan Howes]

I'm putting together a short blog series (for my blog) about the interaction between clients in therapy and their loved ones. If you can help out, I'd really appreciate it! It's not just for selfish reasons, I think it will be interesting reading for everyone.

I may quote you in my post if your response illustrates one of my points. I can't really offer you anything but my sincere thanks and a big plug for PsychLinks.

So here are my questions. Answer one or both, your choice:

1. Do you have any experience with a friend or family member who second guessed/asked too much about/tried to control your therapy? What happened and how did you handle it?

2. If you've known a friend or family member who was in therapy, what did you do? Did you ask about their therapy or leave it alone? What if you disagreed with what the therapist told them? What did you really say about that?

I'm going to gather these up and post my blog the week of Sept 7th, 2009 but feel free to chime in anytime. Thanks!

[Jazzey]

I'd be happy to answer these questions Dr. Howes. Although I'll warn you, I can't always hide my anger about it all . In fact, I'll even suggest to you that I may be using you here, to let go of some of my resentment.

Question 1:
I started therapy for the first time in my life September 2008, following a violent rape in August 2008. Each one of my family members (except one brother) spent the vast majority of the time telling me that I did not need therapy. Here are some of the reasons which were expressed:

1. WHile I may have been raped, it's not as if I were a teenager (I was 38), I can get over this on my own. The best thing I could do was to get out there dating again. Maybe online dating would be a good start? (she bought me a computer);

2. Everyone knows that psychologists are only there to try and flip the blame on the mother;

3. what next, is the psychologist going to try and convince you that you were sexually abused as a child?;

3.Throughout the process, my mother in particular wanted all the details of those sessions (to the point that I was expected to call her after each session to recount the session). By October, she suggested that I'd spent enough money already and that I should already be over the rape.

4. If I shared even a snippet of my sessions with her, she would tell me that my psychologist was an idiot - even she, who is not a psychologist, could tell me that it takes time to recover from some things. And, on the grand scheme of things, it's not as if I were a virgin here. And therefore, my psychologist was making this into a bigger deal than it need be. The psychologist was aiding me in staying in the 'victim' role.

5. By december, when the psychologist recommended I start taking anti-depressants, my mother got angry and told me that this was yet another form of brain washing. A means to take away any kind of reasoning that I may have for myself about what happened.

6. By January, I stopped talking to her about my sessions, and didn't disclose that I was taking anti-depressants.

Finally, since then she tells me that she knows that I'm lying to her. That I'm seeing a psychologist and that the psychologist is probably telling me to stay away from my own mother. She's asked me to limit my sessions strictly on the rape and not disclose family secrets. She's also repeatedly told me that, on some level, I probably wanted to sleep with this person (it was an acquaintance) and that if I didn't tell this to my psychologist, I wasn't being honest. She's also tried to get me to reconcile with the rapist (a family member) with whom she continues to have contact. And she's frequently ask "you're not still thinking about all this stuff? It's so long ago now"...As far as she's concerned, I ceased therapy back in January / February.

As for the remainder of the family, I don't hear from them anymore about this issue.

So my solution in all of this - I've lied. I'm carrying on normally with my life, I no longer care about the rape, I would never dream of taking anti-depressants because I'm strong and don't need them.

Sorry for the Rant Dr. Howe.

As for your second question. I don't have friends who are currently in therapy. But from my side of the fence (in therapy) I sometimes share snippets of the sessions, only because I think that there are gems which come out of them and, which I think apply to some of my closest friends.

Added: I do have friends in therapy - right here on PL. I listen to them, we compare experiences sometimes and I let them tell me what's going on if/when they're comfortable. Therapy, for me at least, is really personal. But sometimes, I do have questions about certain thought processes. This place is great for that, because I have a wealth of friends who'll never think I'm stupid for asking certain questions. But I don't ask for the details unless those are details they need to share with us.

I've learned a lot in the last year, from being here Dr. Howe. And I'm grateful for all the wonderful friends that I've made on this very site. It's been a saving grace because outside of this place, people have a hard time understanding why therapy can be beneficial. It's just not something that people discuss in the open.

[Turtle]

My story isn't nearly as long as Jazzey's, but I'll tell you anyway, since there are similar components, I suppose.

I went to therapy for the first time when I was 17 (I'll be 35 in three weeks). I've been in therapy off and on since then, I suppose less "off" and more "on". At first, my mother would say things like "I don't know what you have to be depressed about. You've had everything good in life." or "You don't need therapy. You just need to be happy." Since I've started sharing with her, on a very, very limited basis, my diagnoses, she's let up and now, hopefully, understands that therapy will likely be a part of my life for a very long time. She does not know that it has literally kept me alive on more than one occasion. Since starting back on antidepressants a few weeks ago she also doesn't question those. The first time I took them, I got the same line - "What have you got to be depressed about?"

I have a friend who is very similar in her attitude - that I just need to get over myself, I have nothing to be depressed about, it's all in my head (I suppose it literally is - ha!), etc etc. Needless to say, I mention NOTHING to her anymore.

Generally speaking I'm pretty open about my depression and the fact that I'm on antidepressants and in therapy with more than one therapist. It helps me, for one, accept where I'm at (cause I don't always like it) and it can help remove some of the stigma, on some level.

I find that conversations with my friends who are also in therapy (how is it we seem to migrate to each other?) often centre around our experiences in therapy, our opinions of our therapists, etc. I think in one sense, it is reassuring to us, but also gives us an opportunity to further process a therapeutic experience and gain other perspectives. I also like to brag about my therapists because I think they are simply the best and absolutely amazing

[Jazzey]

Yeah, sorry Turtle, I'm a bit of a blabber And maybe provide a little too much detail?

[Turtle]

No, not too much detail. The more he has the better for him to write his blog. As long as you're comfortable with what you've written...

[Jazzey]

Thanks Turtle. For the time being, I'm angry about not being to rely on the very first people I should be able to rely on. so yes, I'm comfortable with what I've written. I've already understood that there's nothing I can say to any of them that will make them understand where I am right now.

I'm not the lying type, and yet this past year, I've lied enough to settle an entire lifetime of lies.

[Turtle]

Sometimes you have to - to keep other people out of your business when they can't be supportive and/or helpful. If they are going to hurt more than help, I have no qualms about lying either. It's not a practice I like or do if I can avoid it, but there is something to be said for self-preservation as well.

[Ryan Howes]

Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. This topic is more emotionally charged than I thought!

Keep them coming, I'd love to read about it!

-Ryan

[Jazzey]

Ok, but you may hear a little anger in the tones used. Sarcasm is my favorite tool....

And feel free to ask more pointed questions Dr. Howes. I'm not exactly the shy type (if you feel it can help your blog)...

[Jazzey]

This topic is more emotionally charged than I thought!

Sorry Dr. Howes, this comment intrigues me...And being the curious person that I am, I'm wondering what you were expecting in asking these questions.

If you don't mind, could you share what you anticipated from the membership?