Courtroom humour

[Jazzey]

Courtroom Humor @ Gavel2Gavel.com ||| Funny Courtroom Testimony

A few of my favorite lawyers' questions from this site

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By Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
By the Court: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
The Court (addressing the public denfender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
By the Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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By Attorney: This Myasthenia Gavis, does it affect your memory at all?
By Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Attorney: You forget things? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

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By Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
By Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

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By Attorney: And where was the location of the accident?
By Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Attorney: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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By Attorney: Did you blow your horn or anything?
By Witness: After the accident?
Attorney: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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By Attorney: What is your date of birth sir.
By Witness: July 17th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

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By Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
By Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?

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By Attorney: Are you married?
By Witness: No. I'm divorced.
Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

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By Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
By Witness: The young lady is pregnant -- but not as a result of my examination.

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By Attorney: Remember all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?
By Witness: Oral.
Attorney: How old are you?
Witness: Oral.

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By Attorney: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
By Witness: No -- this is how I usually dress when I go to work.

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By Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?
By Witness: At his funeral.
Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

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By Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
By Witness: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

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By Attorney: Now doctor -- Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

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By Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
By Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?

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By Attorney: Now then -- How was your first marriage terminated?
By Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

***

By the Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
By the Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

 

[Jazzey]

Lawyers Attorneys, Judges, Jokes, Funny Courtroom Jokes, Taylor is the Legal Eagle. Surfer Sam

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

:rofl:

 

[Jazzey]

Bad Neighbours
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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The Will
A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

****

He's Alive!

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed."

Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.

The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"

"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

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The Compliment

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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New Client

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!"

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?"

Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."

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Jury Duty

A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked.

On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury."

Glaring at him, the Judge replied, "Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!"

From: Clean Jokes About Lawyers