Hi, I'm new to this forum but I'm glad I found it. I have a mother who fits into the category of NPD, even though it was only until the last year that I had a name for it I?ve recognized that something was wrong with her since my mid 20s. I was often the scapegoat in the family or I was invisible to her. I had for years tried to figure out what was wrong with ?our relationship? which led me to therapy. I was angry about having this type of mother, but I eventually I grieved the mother I never had and I came to accept the status quo. From then on I maintained a civil relationship with her.
When I told her that I was moving to another country for a job opportunity with a man I had been dating for a few months she suddenly started to take a lot more interest in me. She professed to my future husband, all of my family and really anyone who would listen how much she would miss me. After the move it was very painful for me to hear through third parties that they were happy for my success in life but they were aware of how much pain it caused my mother. Just a fraction of her concern for me at any other time in my life would have meant a lot. I slowly let go of all connection with anyone connected to her so I could enjoy a more substantial separation from her.
When I became engaged to my husband it became all my mother could talk about, and she framed it all in terms of her of course. During the wedding planning stage I was very aware of how motherless I felt but that was cushioned by the warm relationship I had with my husband?s mother. Very sadly my husband?s mother passed away from cancer less than a year after our wedding, we?re still both feeling the loss of her. I also knew that my wedding day was one day that would come and go so I gritted my teeth and dealt with my mother?s enthusiasm for a child she seemed to care so little about in the past. Her interest waned after that but a few months ago I announced my pregnancy, it has come back with full force and its more than I can handle.
I live on the other side of the globe from her but an email or phone conversation sends me back into an angry place. Unlike the wedding I?m aware that having a child is not an event that will pass, her interest is likely to increase not diminish. I?ve very unsure of what to do. I?ve dealt with having a cold, detached and irrational mother my whole life. I don?t know how to deal with one who now professes her undying love for me, who sees any of my successes as her own. I?ve tried to set boundaries, for example I will only read her emails and speak to her on the phone once a week. However this hasn?t worked as I think about how much I don?t want contact with her the day before and I feel angry about what was said a day later. My husband tries to be very supportive and offer advice but he thankfully has little experience with dysfunctional families.
There is nothing I want or need from my mother, I certainly don?t need a relationship with her but I think it?s important to maintain a civil one in the absence of concrete abuse. It would be easiest if she went back to scapegoating me or ignoring me as she did before. I want to be able to focus on becoming a mother myself yet I am somehow so distracted by even the smallest contact with her. Contact with her involves her asking me questions about my job & pregnancy, asking for current pictures of me and her repeating how much she misses me. I do my best to give her as little information as possible and I rarely send a picture. She takes the crumbs of what I do share, turns them into gold and parades them around. This seems to be her latest narcissistic supply, she gets barely anything from me but then what she does get is treated with all the more reverence.
I?m really at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. I have accepted that I never had a mother in the way that most people do, I expect nothing from her but I resent having her use me for her narcissistic supply. Even though I?m very much removed from my family I seem to still be a pawn in my mother?s game and I don?t like it. Is there any other boundary I can put up or do I need to go no contact completely to be at peace? My husband suggested that it will make me feel better if I confront her on what?s upsetting me but I don?t know if it will be useful to bring up the past with a narcissist. When she says ?I love you, miss you so much and wish I could be near you during your pregnancy? do I say ?how come you clearly told me you couldn?t handle hearing about any of the problems I had to deal with alone as a young adult?? Won?t she just put a NPD spin on this and re-write the past which will only infuriate me further? Have any of you encountered this type of situation before?
When I told her that I was moving to another country for a job opportunity with a man I had been dating for a few months she suddenly started to take a lot more interest in me. She professed to my future husband, all of my family and really anyone who would listen how much she would miss me. After the move it was very painful for me to hear through third parties that they were happy for my success in life but they were aware of how much pain it caused my mother. Just a fraction of her concern for me at any other time in my life would have meant a lot. I slowly let go of all connection with anyone connected to her so I could enjoy a more substantial separation from her.
When I became engaged to my husband it became all my mother could talk about, and she framed it all in terms of her of course. During the wedding planning stage I was very aware of how motherless I felt but that was cushioned by the warm relationship I had with my husband?s mother. Very sadly my husband?s mother passed away from cancer less than a year after our wedding, we?re still both feeling the loss of her. I also knew that my wedding day was one day that would come and go so I gritted my teeth and dealt with my mother?s enthusiasm for a child she seemed to care so little about in the past. Her interest waned after that but a few months ago I announced my pregnancy, it has come back with full force and its more than I can handle.
I live on the other side of the globe from her but an email or phone conversation sends me back into an angry place. Unlike the wedding I?m aware that having a child is not an event that will pass, her interest is likely to increase not diminish. I?ve very unsure of what to do. I?ve dealt with having a cold, detached and irrational mother my whole life. I don?t know how to deal with one who now professes her undying love for me, who sees any of my successes as her own. I?ve tried to set boundaries, for example I will only read her emails and speak to her on the phone once a week. However this hasn?t worked as I think about how much I don?t want contact with her the day before and I feel angry about what was said a day later. My husband tries to be very supportive and offer advice but he thankfully has little experience with dysfunctional families.
There is nothing I want or need from my mother, I certainly don?t need a relationship with her but I think it?s important to maintain a civil one in the absence of concrete abuse. It would be easiest if she went back to scapegoating me or ignoring me as she did before. I want to be able to focus on becoming a mother myself yet I am somehow so distracted by even the smallest contact with her. Contact with her involves her asking me questions about my job & pregnancy, asking for current pictures of me and her repeating how much she misses me. I do my best to give her as little information as possible and I rarely send a picture. She takes the crumbs of what I do share, turns them into gold and parades them around. This seems to be her latest narcissistic supply, she gets barely anything from me but then what she does get is treated with all the more reverence.
I?m really at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. I have accepted that I never had a mother in the way that most people do, I expect nothing from her but I resent having her use me for her narcissistic supply. Even though I?m very much removed from my family I seem to still be a pawn in my mother?s game and I don?t like it. Is there any other boundary I can put up or do I need to go no contact completely to be at peace? My husband suggested that it will make me feel better if I confront her on what?s upsetting me but I don?t know if it will be useful to bring up the past with a narcissist. When she says ?I love you, miss you so much and wish I could be near you during your pregnancy? do I say ?how come you clearly told me you couldn?t handle hearing about any of the problems I had to deal with alone as a young adult?? Won?t she just put a NPD spin on this and re-write the past which will only infuriate me further? Have any of you encountered this type of situation before?
