Question on upcoming rape anniversary

[Jazzey]

That date is fast approaching for me. I find that I don't have a lot of control over my thoughts or feelings. Panic attacks, I've now reverted back to waking up at the same time every night (the time of the assault) etc...I also have a really hard time leaving my home, which is quickly becoming a bit of a problem for me. For a few months, I wasn't experiencing these anymore - but they're back. And none of it feels conscious on my part. The thoughts and feelings just creep up on me without my knowing why I'm thinking about it again.

Have others experienced some of the same things? Any suggestions on how you've coped with the impending date?

[Fiver]

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this recently, but I promise you the worst part of all of it is what you're doing right now -- anticipating the worst. It's absolutely normal, if you can judge normal by one person's anecdotal experience, and it's rough as hell.

But as I've said, there will only ever be one anniversary. That's all. It will be nothing like the original experience, and for me it was the beginning of letting go of some of the fear.

But at the moment my burgers are grilling to their essence of carbon so I'll be back later.

[Jazzey]

Thanks Fiver. I hear what you're saying. Maybe that's it, I'm just afraid of that date. I think I'm going to take off somewhere during those dates - maybe get out of dodge in the hopes that I don't think about it. It somehow doesn't feel like an entire year has gone by and yet, it's been the longest year of my life.

[Daniel]

Have others experienced some of the same things?

BTW:

Anniversary Reactions to a Traumatic Event

[Jazzey]

Thank you Daniel - My resource "go-to-guy"

Added: that article is spot on Daniel...Thanks again.

[Fiver]

I spent the evening leading up to the exact hour -- between 4 and 5AM -- with a very trusted friend who let me be however and whatever I needed to be. We watched a few "feel-good" movies, paused them when I needed to panic or throw up or whatever, and stopped to talk when I felt like it. And I felt like it, a lot, particularly as the hour grew closer. She just listened and let me cry on her shoulder, literally. When 5AM finally hit, exhaustion set in and we both fell asleep in the living room.

Later that day, when the rest of the family woke up (it was a Saturday,) we made a large breakfast and Tonya and Paul made a successful effort to get me out of my head by pulling out board games, and along with their son, Zac, they immersed me in real life for that entire weekend. At times it was overwhelming and I needed to step back. They gave me the space to do so, under a watchful eye, I might add (especially since I was still doing the psych outpatient program, having just gotten out of lockup after a suicide attempt.)

My point? Do I ever have one? I guess if I do, it's that I agree with going away for a few days, away from the immediate reminders. But please, I implore you to NOT be alone, to be with someone who will let you do what you need to do, but will also make you do what you need to do.


By the way, Southern Michigan is very nice this time of year....

[ladylore]

I agree with Fiver and Daniel. What I will add is to remind yourself that it's only the anniversary coming up. It doesn't mean it's actually going to happen again.

When you lived through the actual rape you lived through the worst. The memories may feel real but they are only memories, not the real thing.

You have support now. Maybe even booking an appointment with your therapist on or around that date may help. And give yourself as many healthy creature comforts as you possibly can.

[STP]

I think it is normal to start to think about things with an upcoming anniversary. I agree with everyone above. I think you should either get away or let your therapist know about the date and see if you can get in to see them on that date (if possible) it would probably be good to talk it out.
I don't know.
You have support here to if you need it. Hugs

[Jazzey]

Thank you STP - that means a lot to me

And fiver, Southern Michigan does sound nice at this time of year. And thank you.

[Jazzey]

Well, so far, it isn't too, too bad. The only really 'uncomfortable' thing is that my body seems to be in panic mode 24/7. If I'm at work, I know everything is ok, but my body is screaming to get out.

I haven't yet figured out how to calm that body reaction. I have a few thoughts too, but I can usually not stay in them for too long. But the physical part is just plain annoying and uncomfortable.

I've been swimming a lot. It seems to be the only thing that "kinda" calms that feeling down. But at this rate, I'd have to be in the pool all day!

Any suggestions on the physical aspect of this process?

Added: and because of the physical part, I've lost all appetite. Almost nauseous...