Time to go back to work...?

[Fiver]

I've been off work since the end of April when I ineffectively (attempted suicide} and landed involuntarily voluntarily in the locked unit (I signed myself in -- grudgingly -- to avoid the inevitability of the court doing it for me, and I also screwed up my neck muscles, so yeah, it was kind of necessary.) This is the longest time span I've ever had away from work. Last fall I had to take a two month LOA due to PTSD because it was impossible to get through a night without curling into a fetal position with one or more flashbacks. But the entire time I was off last year, I felt an overwhelming need to get back to work, like I was slacking by taking advantage of Short Term Disability and LOA.

This time it has been different. The circumstances of my leave have been different as well, since last year it was primarily my inability to be anywhere, home or public, without experiencing something that would trigger a flashback. This time...wow, the depression, the depressive psychosis, how very different this experience has been. I have had NO desire to rush back to work, and in fact I fear it. I've experienced a deep backslide starting last April and I'm in no hurry to go through that again. While I can actually see the strides I've made in my recovery, something I truly feel good about, I have an overwhelming fear of going back to that very dark hole that I barely crawled out from.

My job is not mentally taxing, not in the least. In fact, it's horrifically monotonous if I forget to bring my mp3 player with me. I unload a truck and throw around 50# cases of groceries on the midnight shift at a grocery store. Prior to my meltdown in April, I'd gone back to school where I placed demands on myself that made anything less than the Dean's List unacceptable. (Gee, could that have anything to do with my suicide attempt?) I've dropped out of school for the time being and the only responsibilities I face now are continued progress in therapy, and working 40 hours a week on a midnight shift doing scut work.

My therapist has authorized my leave until the 9th of September, a continuation which has been extended several times since April, since various life glitches have set me back a few times. The thing is, I'm finding, finally, that I'm bored. I've made some real progress in the last two weeks, I mean REAL progress, and I want to get back to living my life. Part of my life is work, and it's a part that has in the past been very enjoyable due to the guys I work with, even if the job itself is below my intellectual abilities. I miss the camaraderie. I miss busting chops with the guys. I miss feeling like a productive member of society.

Tomorrow when I see Pat, I plan on suggesting to her that we begin strategizing ways of my return to work. On one hand, this seems like a positive step forward. I need to feel needed. I need to feel like I've got some semblance of normalcy to my life again. I've discovered the beginnings of healing and I want to run with it.

On the other hand, I'm scared to death of falling backward. Like I said, it's not that my job itself is stressful. However, the midnight shift has always been challenging when it comes to getting a decent amount of sleep, and I've learned the hard way that lack of sleep makes my emotional stability ...uh...unstable. And that's when all hell breaks loose. No, a different schedule isn't possible at this time. I have to deal with what I've got. Plus, midnights means I'm not subjected to dealing with customers, and dealing with customers adds a dimension of stress that is nearly unbearable.

I guess the bottom line is that I think I'm ready, but I'm afraid for what will happen if I make a hasty decision. As always, I will trust Pat's guidance here, but I kinda like to go into a Patpointment prepared ahead of time. I don't know that I'm necessarily looking for answers or advice here, but personal anecdotes are always appreciated, as are words of support.

I really do believe I'm ready to return to a normal, regular life. But I've been horribly wrong with my judgment before. i don't want to screw up again.

But hey, it's not like I'm not used to it or anything. It just helps to get these thoughts out where I can look at them. As always, thanks for your indulgence.

[ladylore]

Can it be arranged that you only return part time? At least then you will know if you are ready to return to work or not.

[Fiver]

Well yes....sort of. One of the stipulations she placed on my return last year was that I was not to be scheduled for more than three nights in a row, because I need a break at that point to replenish the sleep I've missed due to the crapabiity of decent sleep during the day in a suburban neighbourhood. But right now I really need the 40 hours of wages to make up for the two months of mortgage payments I've been unable to make.

But the break in the week to catch up on sleep will be a great help.

[ladylore]

Do you have paid sick leave where you work. In Canada - you get a note from your doctor explaining why you can't work and then go to the Employment Insurance office.

[Fiver]

Ah, not quite so simple in the US. It varies by company, some have no recourse at all. I have a union on my side, although they're pretty much useless in this department. They have decreed that short term disability payments will be with either 60% of the average weekly wage from the past six months, or $110 USD, whichever is less. After they take out SSI payments, I'm left with $101.58 a week. I've depleted all saving, sold my baby grand piano which has been my job and distraction for fifteen years, and I'm getting ready to file for bankruptcy.

Such is life. But for the time being I've got a roof over my head and food on my table, and therapist who is willing to accept partial payments now that I've reached the cap of my private insurer's mental health limitations.

Things can always be worse, I'm so very aware of this. I'm not complaining, simply getting ready to do what's necessary.

[ladylore]

All that in itself is stressful enough.

[NicNak]

Hi Fiver. I have been off work, it will be a year soon.

I too when through what seemed like guilt, feeling like I was taking advantage. That if I didn't work, I was worthless.

I would get the odd days where I felt ok, then I would get a burst thinking "Yes! This must be the end of my torment" only to wake up the next day still feeling the downers, anxiety, etc.

So I quickly threw out the idea that I was taking advantage within a few months after being off work, cause I was starting to see things realistically. I knew I needed the time. How much time? Who knows, I still don't and neither do my doctors.

Once I mentioned to a friend of mine about a product at work that I liked. I had totally forgot the name and everything about it. Work had faded into almost a distant memory, yet my conditon still remained the same, with the huge exception of now being able to cope without feeling embarassed, feeling like I was "letting the team down", without the added stressors, triggers and pressure of work.

I guess what I am trying to say is, although I miss the people at work, I really have to be focusing on taking care of myself. It is such a strange place for me, because I have always been taking care and worrying about everyone else, but me.

On the decent days I have, I have found some hobbies. I have been enjoying crafts I once enjoyed, photography and reading. This has helped with the boredom I might have along the way.

When I was at work, I would get bored too, which fustrated me and often also triggered panic attacks.

My insurance company has "return to work plans" for me, but I do not realistically see it happening. Not being pesimistic here, just realistic. I will always do the best I can and who knows, maybe one day it will happen, but like you am very afraid of the spiral down again.

My doctors have told me if I am seeing success with the return to work plans that no matter what, if they see me spiraling again, they will "pull the plug", which is re assuring.

When it got bad for me, I was terrified to be "too much trouble" to my doctors, that it almost cost me my life too. We all (myself and my doctors) now know my individual signs of turmoil, so if it is to happen we can catch it quicker. I also will not be as afraid to open up about it.

I think what Ladylore suggested, even going back to start part time is a good idea. Best not to jump in with both feet at first. Test the waters.

Sorry I rambled on, but wanted to let you know I can relate to what you are experiencing now.

No matter what Fiver, I know it is hard, but put your own health first. Do not rush yourself, there is no harm in waiting a bit longer if you feel the need.

[Fiver]

I know, Nakker, and you're right. I just want to start moving on with my life again. I'm not the most patient person you'll ever meet.

[NicNak]

I know, Nakker, and you're right. I just want to start moving on with my life again. I'm not the most patient person you'll ever meet.

I just read back on the other posts. When I was typing my reply I had only seen your initial post.

I also wanted to let you know, I also had to declair bankrupsy. After everything was all cleared through, it was also a huge relief.

I am not sure how different the Canadian bankrupsy system is from the USA one, but I found a good Credit Counciling place and they recomended me to a fantastic trustee.

The one I found here was a non-profit credit councilling, so I did not have to pay for the councilling. Let me know if you would like me to see if there are any such places in the USA. It helped a lot.

[Into The Light]

i myself was off work for a good six months before returning, and when i did return, it was part time. it took me another 6 months to work up to full time. i was still quite fragile when i initially started.

don't expect too much of yourself. expect to be fragile, and expect to not be able to handle everything right away like you used to.

how did your appointment go today?