I can't do it

[Fiver]

My "conditional" return to work depends upon another week of outpatient hospitalization, starting Tuesday after a session with my therapist tomorrow.

I'm not doing it. I'm tired of the whole thing. I just want my life back. I'm tired of being a freak. I just want my life back.

I edited most of what I'd written. Sometimes less is better.

[Jazzey]

You can do this Fiver...I know you can. The session tomorrow will be hard, but we're all here to support you. And yes, you can do this.

And don't worry about editing stuff around here - I make my words disappear on a regular basis...

Let us know how tomorrow goes?

And yes, I understand the feeling of being tired of "all of this" - get it, bought the T-shirt, and wear it daily...Baby steps Fiver. You can do this.

And you're not a freak, you're just someone who's been through incredible trauma and is still toughing it out....Speaks volume Fiver - give yourself that please.

[Fiver]

You can do this Fiver...I know you can. The session tomorrow will be hard, but we're all here to support you. And yes, you can do this.

And don't worry about editing stuff around here - I make my words disappear on a regular basis...

No way.

Let us know how tomorrow goes?

And yes, I understand the feeling of being tired of "all of this" - get it, bought the T-shirt, and wear it daily...Baby steps Fiver. You can do this.

I appreciate the sentiment, but everyone says that without really knowing what I am or am not capable of. I'm tired of the fight. I don't have any left. I'm tired tonight. I'm just tired, I'm frustrated, and no matter how many years he got, regardless of the fact that he will absolutely die in prison, I don't feel any justice for what he has put me through.

And you're not a freak, you're just someone who's been through incredible trauma and is still toughing it out....Speaks volume Fiver - give yourself that please.

Can't, sorry. I've just allowed veritable strangers to witness a rather extreme (understatement) flashback that even a close friend couldn't pull me out of. I feel like a freak. I'm so frustrated right now that I don't even know how to articulate my fear and torment.

Okay, it's better than it was last April in some ways. But I can't deal with how long it is taking me for me to be me again. I want justice. I want retribution. I want vengeance.

I want peace, and I can't find it.

I'm going for a walk.

[Jazzey]

..Fiver, I don't know what to say to you tonight. Just because I understand your anger, your frustration, your fear.

I'm there in so many ways too. I wish that I could offer you words of wisdom, comforting words. But this is a slow process sometimes, and we have to find that patience within ourselves, to keep caring about ourselves...



Hang in there Fiver. I think with time, this does get easier to cope with. Just be a little more patient with yourself. You've come so far already. One day at a time.

Goodnight

[Always Changing]

I hope you are feeling somewhat better today Fiver, my thoughts are with you.

[Into The Light]

fiver - you're sick and tired of it all, and you have every right to be. it's a tough road you're on, and you're allowed to be fed up.

i hope you're doing a bit better right now. i also hope you won't opt for suicide, because that would really be letting him win.

[Fiver]

I'd be lying if I said the suicidal thoughts went away with the destruction of the noose two weeks ago. But even with the prevalent thoughts, I feeling pretty honest saying that I'm not suicidal. It's fear, it's just plain terror, embarrassment, humiliation...and the need to beat myself up for feeling these things that I feel should be in back of me.

Fact is, they just ain't. And I'm frustrated...going back to work in less than a week has brought it all to the forefront for some reason (I'm sure Pat and I discussed those reasons today but darned if I can put two brain cells together to remember what was said right now.)

However, I went in right away saying, "I am NOT going to Lunatic Day Camp this week and you can't make me!" The unflappable Pat sat down and said, "Okay, how was the rest of your week?"

Dang. She's on to me. She can deflate the facade before I even get a chance to build it.

I'm doing okay tonight. I'll be okay. One way or another I'll swallow my terror and start work Saturday night...and then we can deal with a whole new pile of baggage.

---------- Post added at 09:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:53 PM ----------

This is the hard time of night. From late evening until 5AM, I have difficulties keeping my head in the present. In some respects, it's good that I'll start work in a week; I work from 9:30PM until 5-6AM so at least I don't have to be in the house where it happened.

It's just this time of night. When the sun sets, I feel the fear begin to smother me. I need to figure out a way to get over this.

[Into The Light]

maybe work will indeed help with that time of night.

the other thing is, can you consciously focus on the here and now at that time of night? run through a mental checklist of why you are safe right now?

[Fiver]

Oddly enough (not really odd at all, but hey, that's the saying) I just went to the store and handed in my "Return To Work" form. The stipulation is that I may work no more than two consecutive nights, as lack of sleep is a major contributor to how quickly things can get out of control.

About ten minutes ago my boss (the night manager, good guy, the one who corralled the crew to re-paint my kitchen after I was raped in it) called and confirmed that he'd received the message and you know what? All the anxiety I was feeling about going back? It sort of drained out of me as soon as I spoke to him. I made a joke, he laughed, he's the same old Chris, the guys will be the same... I may be a bit different, but I'll get into the swing.

Like I've said, Lane's back, baby. Well, at least a little at a time.

Somebody remind me of how positive I feel right now when I start to shake with fear again, okay?

[Turtle]

Your manager sounds like a pretty special guy, Fiver.