Recovering from Rape: Surviving the After-Shock

[David Baxter]

Recovering from Rape: Surviving the After-Shock
Relationship Counseling in San Diego
May 26th, 2009

Rape is more than simply a trauma; it is a life long ordeal with continual distress. The forced sex takes away control, forces extreme violation, causes physical pains, and creates severe emotional trauma. Recovering from such a traumatic incident can be challenging and life altering. Some people find themselves reaching out to others for support and comfort. Others may hold things in, shut down, numb-out, or even become self destructive. All of which are ways in which the body is saying, “I am hurting. I need to feel safe. I need to heal.”

The aftermath can be painful, lonely, and overwhelming. The body remembers trauma and needs to heal by regrouping, reorganizing, and gaining a sense of control again.

The rape happened, now what?

You may not have had control for what happened, but you have the choice to gain control now and heal! You can…and will take control.

Here are a few things to help you gain control:

• Make a Rape Recovery and Empowerment Box: Here you can learn about making a box for your recovery. Take steps to say goodbye to the trauma, process your emotions, and visually see the steps occurring.
  
• Start therapy: I believe no one should go through recovery alone. The rape can not only hurt you as an individual, it can also get in the way of having a healthy relationship emotionally and sexually.
  
• Encouraging Music: One of my favorite musicians, Jack Pryor, wrote a song about encouragement and taking victory from sexual abuse. He has kindly offered this song to be downloaded for free to help you and others through the healing process.
  
• Journal: Many thoughts may run through your mind. Take a proactive approach and put your emotions onto paper. Dump it there…and start to make sense of it.
  
• Get your partner on board: Your partner needs to understand the emotional impact the rape had on you. Find ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and fears.
  
• Self defense class: Take a self defense class where you feel confident in defending yourself.

[Jazzey]

I don't know. I would never want to discourage anyone but the rape recovery box, I would never do. That's just personal to me. I've finally ( I think) been able to place all of that in the past (in my mind). Something as physical as that box, would just enable me to delve back into emotions that I've finally let go of. I do want to understand the situation, including my reactions, but the physical box itself just wouldn't help that process.

As a rape survivor, it's just not about anything 'concrete' per se. It's all emotion and, for the most part, emotions that I cannot anchor. Sometimes, I just can't help wondering if it isn't just more healthy to just let those emotions 'flow through'. Recognize that we've been hurt but also recognize that the hurt is really purely emotional. No amount of concrete physical evidence will make this all right for me. But, I'm willing to just let go of the emotional aspect of it all.

I've finally accepted that I had no real part to play in that. That's enough for me. The rest of it, I'm just dismissing as inconsequential. I only care about me and my 'guilty' feelings - and those are finally gone now...

[David Baxter]

Did you listen to the song Victory mentioned in the article?

[Jazzey]

Not yet...listening to it now though..

Added: it's a hard song, for me personally,Dr. Baxter...

[Eye Stigmata]

Beautiful song...thanks for posting

[Jazzey]

Sorry, I'm just coming back to this thread to express the 'why's' to my reaction to the song. I've been listening to it a few times, to understand why it has the effect that it does on me.

So here it goes: I don't like that he says that "I wish I could take your place"- that comment triggered me last night. And I think I tuned out the remainder of the song after that. I would never wish for someone to 'take my place'. And sometimes, when I hear those words (and I have), I feel 'placated'.

Last year, when I went on medical leave after the rape, I made the mistake of telling my assistant (also a very good friend) that I 'was the victim of a crime' (by way of explaining my two months absence). She started to cry immediately - I triggered her. She's also the victim of rape. She used to be a sales agent for properties. Her attacker raped her while she was showing him a house. Worst yet, he physically harmed her and she carries those very physical scars with her daily. I would gladly take her place, erase that 'from her memory'. But here's the thing, until you're a rape victim, I just don't think that you understand the true magnitude of its effect. Sometimes, comments like "I would take your place" feels like a stroke - because for rape victims, we know the actual horror of it. And it's hard to really appreciate that, when you haven't been through it. When you have, you actually get it.

Here's the other thing - it's a man's voice. I know men can also be the victim of rape. But in this case, he's singing about appreciating a circumstance that I'm not convinced he's ever lived. The level of violation, with rape, is so profound. It's not just the physicality of it all - it's the emotional or spiritual side of it. 'Sex' has never been just 'sex' for me. It's always been something that I reserved for the person in my life that I loved on every level. Being raped - it's a violation of that particular emotion that I have with respect to intimacy. It's raping me - not just physically, but spiritually. It's easy to talk about the physical aspect of rape. It's the spiritual or emotional part that is more difficult to reconcile after the fact. It's something that I reserve for the person I love the most in this world. And here, I'm subjected to 'giving it away' so to speak.

The words "set me free": They also tug at me. I don't want to be 'set free'. I will be ok, I will life a full life. But this experience will always be in my mind. Again, I just feel that I'm being placated, that my experience isn't really understood. Rape is rape - it resides with the victim for a lifetime. It doesn't mean that we don't get better, that we never feel happiness. It just means that we have this experience that has taken a chunk out of our spirit. Hopefully, that chunk will be replaced by other life experiences, happinesses, that will diminish the pain. But, the memory of the rape is never forgotten. Nor would I want it to - I think I'm a better person now. I've recognized strengths that I didn't even know I had. Of course I would prefer to never have known rape. But I'm accepting that this is part of MY life experiences, and I'm taking a lesson from it.

"time moves on and so should I, the pain is deeper than it seems" : Time does move on. And I too, will move on. But, that experience is part of who I am now. And, darnit, whoever is in my life will appreciate that it's just a part of my history. No more, no less. The pain lessens a little. I move on. But I'll never be able to fully erase that experience. I am moving on, but this sentence is so reminiscent of what so many people say to rape victims - "it's been a year, it's been two years - just put it in the past and move on"...Time does go by, we get better, we feel better - but we just can't wish the experience away. And again, nor would I want to be able to dismiss it that easily.

This idea of 'victory': Victory of what? there is no victory in rape. There is recovery, there is a feeling better over time. But victory just doesn't play a part. Something that can never be recovered was indeed taken away. I would like to think that this aspect of rape is never swept under the carpet. My message to rape victims would more likely be something to the effect that we do recover, we do learn to live full and happy lives. The rape doesn't define who we are as human beings - but it will always be part of our life experiences.

"it's a long unchartered way to erase the battle scars, but I'll be here holding your hand pull you close to help you stand" : Again, the battle scars cannot be erased. They can subside, we can learn to love them for what they've taught us - but, they will always be there. So why not accept them as part of our new persona? Why not teach victims of rape that these scars are ok - that we'll be able to cope with life 'despite' that particular experience? It's a life experience. A hard one - but one that should never predicate the outcome of the remainder of our lives.

sorry - this post was longer than I intended. My message to rape victims will always be that they will be ok, they will learn to move forward in life. But I would never want to lead them to believe that the experience of rape will be forgotten. I just can't believe that. But the experience of rape doesn't have to be a life sentence either. It's just not a 'victorious' thing and no 'lullaby' will help us forget the experience...

[Always Changing]

I like the song,
I think the victory here is one of going through the trauma,the pain, the anguish and coming out the other side. Yes the memory will forever be there but I think like the song says "you will rise to victory". For a lot of people I think this song can give hope that one can come through the experience of rape\assault and be victorious because of that. To me it means that the attacker\abuser did not win the battle. If that makes sense.

[Cat Dancer]

I like the song too. I like the idea of overcoming the enemy. I guess it might have different meanings for different people, but I do like the idea that the abuser/attacker doesn't win the battle. That really gives me great hope. I think the writer of the song really meant well and wanted to kind of make a tribute to his friend who was a child sexual abuse victim.

[Eye Stigmata]

Sure, I agree that the artist may not fully understand what we have been through with going through a rape...but atleast there are men out there who are doing something about it...making an effort to show the world that they sympthize women who have been through it. I respect men who can appreciate and try to understand what it's like. And although they may NEVER fully understand the trauma a rape victim/survivor goes through, I have much more respect for a man who writes a song trying to comfort a victim and or survivor, than I do for a man who sits back and does 'nothing'.

[Jazzey]

Thanks guys - It's nice to have all of your perspectives about it. Maybe I'm still too close to it? I don't know. I'm still angry about it all so, my instinct is to be defensive.

But I do understand what all of you are saying about the song. And yes, I'm happy that people are lending their voices to the issue.