As a rape victim, what would you do if it were you?

[Eye Stigmata]

What would you do or suggest someone do if they found out who it was that raped them.

[Jazzey]

I guess it depends on the context ES...I don't mean to be vague about my answer, but your post is a little cryptic for me tonight...There are so many variables where rape is concerned...

What does the victim want to do? What is the relationship between the victim and the rapist? Does it complicate the crime? Is the victim strong or still processing the crime?...

I say this from personal experience, so it may be a little jaded. I have no intention of ever prosecuting my rapist - mostly because that wouldn't help me in my recovery and the factors are far too complex...I don't know ES. Are you comfortable enough to provide just a little more information?

[Eye Stigmata]

It's me...

I don't know what I want to do. There is no relationship between us, It's not someone I personally know. It does not complicate the crime...well depending on what you mean by that.
I guess...I'm strong...well strong enough to talk about it, but I don't know that I could manage with dealing with a prosecuting....

I just feel sick...knowing...

[Jazzey]

Well, I can understand your 'sickness' about it. I tend to get quite nauseous myself when I think about these types of crimes. They're not anything that I ever want to understand.

Prosecution is good for some people ES. It allows victims to feel vindicated, at times. I personally don't need the vindication. I know what he did, and I know who he is and I don't need to prosecute him to know otherwise. My situation is a little different in that he's in a different country. If he were here - I would prosecute, only because I don't think that these kinds of criminals stop at one victim. For that reason alone, I would tempt it.

But, having said all of this, in Canada there are statutory limitation periods...I don't know what they are for rape. If you decide to file charges and prosecute though, I'd be happy to do a bit of research and find out what the statutory time limitations are for the province in which the crime occurred for you.

Laying charges does serve a purpose for the victim. But, I never want to lose sight of the fact that, even when we decide not to lay those charges, we can still be ok. It's about processing what happened, accepting that it was done 'to us'. For some of us, that's enough. And for others, the process of laying criminal charges aids in closing that particular chapter in our lives so that we know that another victim doesn't have to go through what we went through....

[Eye Stigmata]

Yeah I know what you mean.
I'm sorry about what happened to you...I understand...and I'm sorry.
It makes me sad when I think about what happened to me...because I know there are SO SO many women that go through the same thing.

I know the limitation is 5 years. I'm still well within that limit so I could prosecute if I wanted to. I'm not sure if it's worth it for me.

My mom is trying to track down the man who sexually abused me when I was a child, and when she finds him she is absolutely taking it to court. There is no limitation for child sexual abuse - as most cases don't come out until the child is an adult. But - the longer its left the harder it is to prosecute.

I don't know.......just a lot of mixed emotions....and a lot of SI. Feeling disgusting...feeling like I did in that moment...

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry ES. I go through phases where it's a little difficult for me too. But, in those really hard moments, I really try and focus on the fact that I was a 'victim' to all of it. So were you. I can tell you that, while it's easy to lull ourselves in this fake idea that we're disgusting or to blame, none of that is true.

So, in those moments when I like absolutely nothing about me, I remember the person that I was before everything - I force myself to at least try and focus on what my positives are: I'm caring about others, I love people (in general), I really do try my best to be a good person (even if/when I fail at times), and I'm loyal to my friends. Sometimes, the simplest of lists about my attributes can help me to pull out of that vortex, even if it's only for a little while....

[Violet]

Hi i would do what brings you peace. If it is pressing charges that will help you heal then do it. Your saftey in all this that matters. You have to keep yourself safe. Do what will ever bring you healing okay don't ever blame yourself never.

[Jazzey]

Yes. I agree with Violet. What do you need to bring peace for yourself ES? If prosecution is what you need, then do it. At the time of the rape, did you file a police report? Do you have any records (medical or otherwise) about the incident?

But again, do whatever can bring you peace. Criminal prosecution is a double-edged sword: while it may bring some kind of peace in the end, the reality is that testifying and talking to a variety of people about the crime is difficult. Also, there is no guarantee in criminal prosecution that the accused will be convicted - the standard of proof is did this person commit the crime he/she is accused of "beyond a reasonable doubt"...

Now I'm just babbling but, I know you're intelligent ES and that you understand both sides of the prosecution coin.

[Eye Stigmata]

No, I didn't report it, I was threatened that he would be "watching"...so I was so scared to tell anyone...Now I wish I had reported it.

I didn't go to the emerg to get a rape kit done after the rape......Ugh I can't even believe all the things that I did that were wrong...so stupid.

I don't know what I need to find peace. I don't think prosecuting would help, the idea of being judged and going to court and having to share with the world every detail and humiliating part of the rape would be too much for me I think. But I feel guilty because now if he rapes someone else its going to be my fault.
I worry that if I went to court and he wasn't conviced then I would feel like people didn't care or believe me....and that would open a whole other can or worms and difficult emotions for me which I believe would be too much to cope with.

I just...I just want to hurt him, I just wish he could experience what he put me through...that's what I want.

[Jazzey]

No, I didn't report it, I was threatened that he would be "watching"...so I was so scared to tell anyone...Now I wish I had reported it.

You did what you could at the time ES...Sometimes our psychy saves us - don't ever regret what it is that you did or didn't do...That's something I'm just trying to accept myself. Our minds and bodies have a natural way of wanting to protect us....

I didn't go to the emerg to get a rape kit done after the rape......Ugh I can't even believe all the things that I did that were wrong...so stupid.

No, not stupid...Again, you were doing what you needed to at the time. I went to a rape clinic 2 days after I'd been raped. I knew I'd been raped but postponed a little. Of course, there was no DNA evidence by that point. Not to mention that I'd destroyed all of my clothing and linen having to do with the incident....But, the silver lining -I discovered I had cervical cancer. That saved me, in all honesty. ES, we always do what we can in those moments - it's all we can do...You did nothing wrong - your rapist did. But it does not change, for one iota, who you are as a person.

I don't know what I need to find peace. I don't think prosecuting would help, the idea of being judged and going to court and having to share with the world every detail and humiliating part of the rape would be too much for me I think. But I feel guilty because now if he rapes someone else its going to be my fault.

You do what you need to do. If prosecution isn't it, that's ok. Prosecution isn't for everyone - it just isn't. If my circumstances were different, it would still be difficult - it would mean sharing really intimate details about me, scars that I haven't even shared with my GP - it just isn't for everyone...And, I really think now that it's ok. Just keep remembering who you are as a person - what you stand for, who you want to be in the long range of things...

I worry that if I went to court and he wasn't conviced then I would feel like people didn't care or believe me....and that would open a whole other can or worms and difficult emotions for me which I believe would be too much to cope with.

I just...I just want to hurt him, I just wish he could experience what he put me through...that's what I want.

Me too...I just want to hurt him - but that doesn't amount to a hill of beans right now. So, I gain some strength in knowing that he has to live with what he's done, remember my reactions...I don't know ES, as I stated above, prosecution isn't for everyone. It certainly isn't for me. But there is seldom a day in the last year or so where I don't visualize really harming him. At the end of the day - I know that I'll be ok. Mostly because I know who I am, I know my standards...Whomever encroaches on these - I choose to make that their issue, not mine - at least, not anymore.