Comfort family members

[Jazzey]

Tonight, for a variety of reasons I've been thinking about a few things. In particular, I find it interesting that, as a victim of crime, you not only have to find ways to deal healthily, to grieve the experience but, often times, you also have to assuage fears or pains of family members.

I have a plethora of questions arising from this idea: 1) how do you comfort your loved ones without impinging on your own process? (for instance, I feel that I'm better - others are still anchored in the past and what happened) 2) Do you gently coach them into acceptance of the past? 3) What if you've moved on - do you have an obligation, as a victim, to guide their way into accepting what's happened and, acknowledging that everything is ok now?

I just found it to be an interesting question tonight. Since all of my situation, I've found myself setting aside my own agenda to accommodate others, to help support them in their own grief. This is not to diminish what they're going through. I just find it interesting that family members need reassurance from the victim.

Has anyone else gone through the same process? (of having to reassure loved ones that you're ok now)

[Violet]

1) how do you comfort your loved ones without impinging on your own process?I feel that. I'm better - others are still anchored in the past and what happened
As with my family no-one knows really just my twin so i do not have to deal with any of t hem.

With my twin i cannot really go there with her as she is too unstable she can't stop the replay button when the past is brought up.

With her if she brings up any issues I have to stop it and say No we cannot go there the past is in the past leave it alone we are living in the present now.

Coach her into accepting what happen No she has to get coaching from people who know how to do that i cannot help her only be there to support her when she becomes unstable.

I think with my twin i do have an obligation to be there in some way even if it is just to get her to stop the replay in her head My obligation to her is to let her know i will not leave her even when she is not helping herself she will know that i won't give up on her.

My daughter i am unable to do anything as well to unstable too much anger it is better her issues stay with the people who can help

I feel i have moved on I have coping skills but as i said i am lucky in a way as i do not have to deal with anyone in this process as no one knows.

My husband just knows i am unstable at times due to stress and i assure him I am fine i do not need anyone support as I have always looked after me and will continue to do
so

I am glad you feel you are strong now Jazzey and if you are able to pass on some coping skills to others in your family to help them move forward i think that is great but as you said they have to be receptive to the help. If it starts to impede on your healing then i thing it is best to stop though as you need to stay stable for you and for them

I hope i made some sense. It is okay to help them if you have the strength and if they respect your boundaries that you have set up. take care.

[Cat Dancer]

Comforting others about my issues is not something I have to deal with because I don't discuss them with anyone but my therapist and, well, you all. I just never have and I never will.

I think you should, if you can, just tell them to get some help for themselves. You should not be put in the position to comfort or deal with their issues about your issues. If that makes any sense.

[Lana]

1) how do you comfort your loved ones without impinging on your own process? (for instance, I feel that I'm better - others are still anchored in the past and what happened)

You don't. Not to be mean but it sounds to me more of a manipulation to get you to minimize the events so that they could feel better. It has nothing to do with you and your well-being, and everything to do with them and their inability, or unwillingness, to deal with their own feelings on the matter, no matter what they may be.

2) Do you gently coach them into acceptance of the past?

Absolutely not. It is not your place, nor your area of expertise (if it really came down to that). Imagine for a minute that a woman was severely beaten and her family is acting like a victim and....expecting her to say what? "Oh, it's ok" -- when really, it is NOT ok. "It was nothing." -- when really it was quite a big "something. "I'm ok" -- when clearly, something like that is not the same as getting a paper cut. The commonality here is that in each and every case, the victim (the REAL victim) is asked to minimize her or his experience and is invalidated. That, if you ask me, is wrong and will prevent the victim from healing...not help to heal. (Ok, Lana, tell us how you really feel ) Ugh...sorry, I know that I have very strong feelings on the subject because some of the manipulative tactics that abusers use is they minimize the hurt and make it all about "poor" them and how the victim is responsible to make them feel good again. It just seems that this is similar...and I feel it's wrong.

3) What if you've moved on - do you have an obligation, as a victim, to guide their way into accepting what's happened and, acknowledging that everything is ok now?

Absolutely not! I'm with Cat Dancer here -- they need to find their own help and support network. If you feel you must intervene, do so by passing them a card of a good psychologist, or a list of phone numbers they can call.

I've found myself setting aside my own agenda to accommodate others, to help support them in their own grief. This is not to diminish what they're going through. I just find it interesting that family members need reassurance from the victim.

Jazzey, you know I care about you lots. But this part has so many things wrong with it. You set yourself aside so as not to diminish what they're going through?? As you'd say, "Are you kidding me?!" Let me ask you this: how many of them set their guilt and shame aside for you? The answer is the same for you. That is, the number they give you is the number of people you should set your agenda's aside for. (I'm guessing it would be "None")

Ok. I'm off my soap box. But Jazzey...this is your recovery, not theirs. They are responsible for their own, just as you are responsible for yours. Do not make it about them. It's about you and your well-being. You know from experience that the road to recovery is not exactly smooth sailing and that most of it requires you to do hard work on yourself, no matter what anyone says or does. The same applies to them. If they truly feel like "victims" they should do what you do and seek professional help...and finding someone in their area is something you CAN help them with.

P.S. Please know that this is not meant to ALL families that have experienced some trauma. It's just that usually, those families are more concerned with helping the victim....not look to victim to make it all go away.