Firstly, I’d like to say, if this post is deemed not appropriate, then please feel free to delete me and ban me from the site. This is not intended as a guilt trip, as I fully understood the terms on joining this forum, and I would not feel at justice otherwise.
Secondly, I desperately need help. I posted on another forum, but it got deleted because of my age (I’m 16). I don’t know who or how to ask for help. I find it extremely difficult to trust people. I’m not exactly sure where to post this. For the past two weeks, I’ve been cutting myself nearly every day, something that I don’t normally do on a day-to-day basis. So what happened to make me do all this? What I will write now, will probably not be the best of reasons, but I would hate to acknowledge it could have been merely the fact that I acted stupidly on impulse.
I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.
It feels like I've been persecuted at school. Teachers don't recognise some of my capabilities and cast a blind eye over me. It is the disruptive pupils who get all the attention! How fair is that, I wonder? What must I do to get myself noticed? Scream until my lungs burst? Sometimes I can dislike teachers so much. On top of that, the school work is escalating and getting more confusing. School is not the best environments for some people. Also, I’m living in my sister’s shadow – everything I do is a failure compared to her.
All I want to do is to help someone. That would make me satisfied, it would make me feel like I've accomplished something major. I save up money for charity, I help my family out, yet that doesn't seem to be enough for me. Then I find, with all this, I'm being used by some friends; they only call me if they want something, never for a friendly chat. I want to help people, but I find that I don't have the words. Never had. I'm always thought of as the silent one. The silent ones can somehow merge into the background with no chance of really being noticed.
For that reason, I'm alone. I always have to make the effort to talk to people, and understandably, one just gives up sometimes. Without the practice with talking, I sometimes stumble over words and feel awkward and inadequate; this draws me into deeper silence for fear of blundering. With all the frustration going through my head, I know that you can't reach the rainbow if you don't face the rain. So if I'm going to get anywhere in life, I'm just going to have to try that much harder. But what must I do to reach that goal? Loneliness taps at the heart of my existence. It's a brutal force; one in which succeeds to tear at my soul and destroy it whole.
Then there are major arguments. I resort to sitting in the car reading my book, whilst they cool it. But do you know what, I was totally confident at myself – I had played everything through my head before it even occurred, so I knew just how I could deal with it as it had already happened in my mind. I wasn’t scared. I would only go back up when my mom came down to fetch me, and she did. After the event, I’m blamed myself, because if I hadn’t had an image in my mind of what was going to take place, then it might have been prevented. Now, because I’m slightly more positive, I’m wondering if it was the inevitable anyway. Therefore, by the end of the day, the confidence I had gained was now crushed into fuming embers in my heart.
And then there are other things that I can’t even talk about and that’s making me feel severely down in the dumps all the time. My dad is just so annoying all the time. I can’t stand hearing him speak to me, it’s now got to the point where I’m yelling at myself in my head, just to rid of his noise. I spoke to my best teacher and she said that she was going to ask around to see if I can get professional guidance. Everything has got progressively worse; the longer I thought I could deal with it on my own, the more time could warp and perplex my mind.
I don't believe I'm ill, even though I may have the odd suicidal thought, or feel low for a long period. Rest assured, I have too many links; I would feel guilty for one suffering that would cause even more distress. I know one might think, how can you feel the guilt if you're gone? But I can, every day, a day I survive, amounts to a lot of guilt; guilt that will remain for the rest of my life. Will I forever have to linger?
I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me. I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can. I’m not sure how to get help.
Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.