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Thread: Unsure

  1. #1

    Unsure

    Firstly, I’d like to say, if this post is deemed not appropriate, then please feel free to delete me and ban me from the site. This is not intended as a guilt trip, as I fully understood the terms on joining this forum, and I would not feel at justice otherwise.

    Secondly, I desperately need help. I posted on another forum, but it got deleted because of my age (I’m 16). I don’t know who or how to ask for help. I find it extremely difficult to trust people. I’m not exactly sure where to post this. For the past two weeks, I’ve been cutting myself nearly every day, something that I don’t normally do on a day-to-day basis. So what happened to make me do all this? What I will write now, will probably not be the best of reasons, but I would hate to acknowledge it could have been merely the fact that I acted stupidly on impulse.

    I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.

    It feels like I've been persecuted at school. Teachers don't recognise some of my capabilities and cast a blind eye over me. It is the disruptive pupils who get all the attention! How fair is that, I wonder? What must I do to get myself noticed? Scream until my lungs burst? Sometimes I can dislike teachers so much. On top of that, the school work is escalating and getting more confusing. School is not the best environments for some people. Also, I’m living in my sister’s shadow – everything I do is a failure compared to her.

    All I want to do is to help someone. That would make me satisfied, it would make me feel like I've accomplished something major. I save up money for charity, I help my family out, yet that doesn't seem to be enough for me. Then I find, with all this, I'm being used by some friends; they only call me if they want something, never for a friendly chat. I want to help people, but I find that I don't have the words. Never had. I'm always thought of as the silent one. The silent ones can somehow merge into the background with no chance of really being noticed.

    For that reason, I'm alone. I always have to make the effort to talk to people, and understandably, one just gives up sometimes. Without the practice with talking, I sometimes stumble over words and feel awkward and inadequate; this draws me into deeper silence for fear of blundering. With all the frustration going through my head, I know that you can't reach the rainbow if you don't face the rain. So if I'm going to get anywhere in life, I'm just going to have to try that much harder. But what must I do to reach that goal? Loneliness taps at the heart of my existence. It's a brutal force; one in which succeeds to tear at my soul and destroy it whole.

    Then there are major arguments. I resort to sitting in the car reading my book, whilst they cool it. But do you know what, I was totally confident at myself – I had played everything through my head before it even occurred, so I knew just how I could deal with it as it had already happened in my mind. I wasn’t scared. I would only go back up when my mom came down to fetch me, and she did. After the event, I’m blamed myself, because if I hadn’t had an image in my mind of what was going to take place, then it might have been prevented. Now, because I’m slightly more positive, I’m wondering if it was the inevitable anyway. Therefore, by the end of the day, the confidence I had gained was now crushed into fuming embers in my heart.

    And then there are other things that I can’t even talk about and that’s making me feel severely down in the dumps all the time. My dad is just so annoying all the time. I can’t stand hearing him speak to me, it’s now got to the point where I’m yelling at myself in my head, just to rid of his noise. I spoke to my best teacher and she said that she was going to ask around to see if I can get professional guidance. Everything has got progressively worse; the longer I thought I could deal with it on my own, the more time could warp and perplex my mind.

    I don't believe I'm ill, even though I may have the odd suicidal thought, or feel low for a long period. Rest assured, I have too many links; I would feel guilty for one suffering that would cause even more distress. I know one might think, how can you feel the guilt if you're gone? But I can, every day, a day I survive, amounts to a lot of guilt; guilt that will remain for the rest of my life. Will I forever have to linger?

    I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me. I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can. I’m not sure how to get help.

    Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.
    "My clouds sorrowing in the dark forget that they themselves have hidden the sun." - Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #2

    Unsure

    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma
    I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.
    There are so many things in your post, Enigma, that it's hard to know where to start -- I am not going to even try to suggest a diagnosis but there are hints of anxiety, anger, suppressed/repressed feelings, and more... seeing a therapist would be an excellent start. You have a lot to sort out and the fact that you are now cutting every day is a reflection of how much you have bottled up inside you -- feelings and thoughts and fears -- that you cannot express or don't feel you can express any othe way. Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...

  3. #3

    Unsure

    Hi Enigma,

    I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting. I will, however, say that you sound like a kindred spirit.

    When I was 17, I was pretty suicidal. I would think about all the ways I could leave this world. Then, I would think about the aftermath. I would remember that any way that I killed myself in my home, my Dad would be the one to find me (single parent family). I would always feel guilty about that idea. I would think about doing it somewhere else then, but what if I was never found, or never identified? Again, that seemed like a horrible thing to do to everybody. Basically what stopped me from trying to hurt myself, or worse, was the fact that I was too screwed up to do it! I anticipated the guilt, and felt the burden of that guilt, even when I hadn't done anything!

    My own friendships, and relationships, were centered around a certain "knight in shining armour" behaviour, where I would try to help people through the things going on in their lives. My first piece of advice: STOP THAT! I hate to say it, but you've got to take care of you first. And, in the state you're in, you really shouldn't line yourself up for any disappointment. Believe me, if you tried to help 10 people, and you successfully helped 9 of them, wouldn't you obsess over the one that got away? I used to.

    Follow Dr. Baxter's advice; find a therapist, or someone you can talk to. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.

    **Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, not a health professional at all, and my advice should always be taken as a suggestion only!*** The biggest suggestion I can offer you: when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away. Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on. I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.

    Also, I suggest you keep a diary, or a stream-of-consiousness book. You have a poetic side in your posts, perhaps you'll find some peace from within?

    Hang in there. Life doesn't always get better, but it always gets... different. It's worth seeing.
    The road to recovery begins with the assumption that you have a right to be you. It ends when you realize that you want to be.

  4. #4

    Unsure

    Hey, Enigma...
    I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
    don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...

    It would be good if you can get some kind of professional guidance, or therapy, maybe through the teacher...

  5. #5

    Unsure

    Quote Originally Posted by David Baxter
    Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...
    She hasn't got very far in helping me. I know that teachers are very busy so I don't like to bother them. If I did find a therapist, would my parents have to know? Seeing as I'm 16, and live in England, I wouldn't know where to start.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bo
    I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting.
    Bo, thank you for being so understanding.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bo
    Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.
    I hate the taste of alcohol, I find it difficult to swallow things, and as for smoking, well, I hate the smell - not a lot of use they would be anyway!

    Quote Originally Posted by Bo
    The biggest suggestion I can offer you: when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away. Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on. I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.
    That's excellent advice - I hadn't thought of that, and thinking about it, what you mentioned seems very true.

    Quote Originally Posted by sammy
    I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
    don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...
    I used to write a journal but I got upset everytime I went back to read it. I do write poetry, but I'm never satisfied with what I write - something is always not right, perhaps the rhythm or that it sounds too common. I only hope that as I get older speech will become more natural. But if I hope too much and it never happens, I'll feel so shattered.

    Maybe I should erase my memory and start all again.
    "My clouds sorrowing in the dark forget that they themselves have hidden the sun." - Rabindranath Tagore

  6. #6

    Unsure

    I don't know how things work in the UK, Enigma, but some of the other members here may be able to help you with that -- I'll see what I can find out too.

  7. #7

    Unsure

    Hi Enigma

    I am a psychological student in southampton and will attempt to find out some information on free counselling. I know that there are organisations, such as 'Relate' that offer free services and your parents will not need to be informed. Your only issue would be getting yourself to and from sessions.
    Give me a day or two to poke around, and I will re-post.

    Other than information, I just wanted to say (and the cliché annoys me too) but..... you do remind me of myself, your not alone, and.... all good artists can't stand there work most of the time!! ;)

    Speak soon
    Robs

  8. #8

    Unsure

    Thank you both. I don't mean to be a bother but your help is appreciated a lot.
    "My clouds sorrowing in the dark forget that they themselves have hidden the sun." - Rabindranath Tagore

  9. #9

    Unsure

    Hi Enigma, me again!

    ok, firstly... its no bother.
    secondly; here is some information that may be able to help. It is a little difficult to find free counceling, as I do not know your exact circumstances or location, (don't put it down though, for your own safety, ofcourse ;))
    but here are the following:

    http://www.relate.org.uk/ - mainly used for relationship issues.

    http://www.bacp.co.uk/ - you are able to find counceling services here, but I don't think that these councelers will offer a free service. (not often, but it is worth a try)

    http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/psychoindex2.cfm - The BPS is the British Psychological Society, and they have a page on their site that will help you find a therapist, again, most of these psychologists are not government funded.

    http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/ - youth2youth offers online help from youth to youth.

    http://www.youngminds.org.uk/youngpeople/index.php - another online service with a search engine.

    There are also the options of school counsellors, and your doctor should be able to put you intouch with services in your area.

    I hope this helps. I am watching this topic now, so if you have any problems, post again and I will look for some more.

    Good luck mate!

    Robs

  10. #10

    Unsure

    Hi Robin,

    Thank you so much for finding something for me so quickly. I thought I was going to explode! I will look through the websites you have posted. I'm not sure if I want to go through my doctor though - I hardly talk when I see him anyway, and I can only get there with my parents. Thank you for your help once again.

    Always grateful,
    -Enigma
    "My clouds sorrowing in the dark forget that they themselves have hidden the sun." - Rabindranath Tagore

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