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Thread: Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

  1. #1

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    I've had intrusive, obsessive thoughts since I was a very young child. The first time I remember obsessing over a thought was when I was 5 years old. I remember the thought I had, and situation I was in, vividly. I was playing with my sisters, having a great time, and all of the sudden I became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. I thought I was going to become a drug addict, I could not get the thought out of my mind. I don't even know how I knew what drugs were. I remember bursting into tears and running to my Mom to tell her what I was thinking. I don't remember what she said to me, but that was the first time I remember feeling that way.

    The second time I obsessed about something, was when I was 7. I was in summer camp. I was playing with one of my friends and she sneezed on me. I thought she had given me AIDS and I obsessed about it for weeks. I remember asking her if she was healthy, and when her last doctor visit was. She just looked at me like I was crazy. After that I obsessed about AIDS whenever I came into contact with a stranger.

    My next obsession was with being molested. I was sure that everyone was out to get me. When there were lots of people around I always thought they were trying to touch me. I would try to cover myself and keep a distance. When I was alone, I would think back to the situations I was in and try to remember if I was touched or not.

    When I was younger I kept most of these obsessions to myself. They consumed my thoughts and drove me crazy. I didn't know that I had a problem. All I knew was that I was very unhappy.
    For a couple of years I can't remember having any obsessions. I was depressed, but can't remember obsessing over anything in particular. When I was 16 the obsessions returned.

    I was sitting on my bed watching the news, this was around the time when all of these children were being abducted. I was watching the mother of a child who had been abducted, raped, and murdered, talk to a news reporter about what had happened. She was saying that pedophilia was an illness and that the person who took her child was a sick man. At that moment, something snapped in my head. I thought I was a child molester. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and having to run to the bathroom.

    This obsession was particularly disturbing to me. I can't think of a more horrible thing in the world than a child molester. My dream had always been to be a preschool teacher and have children of my own. I felt like my life was over. I really did not want to live at that point.

    The hardest part about these thoughts is that somewhere deep down you know they aren't true. You realize how irrational they are, yet you can't stop thinking and obsessing about them. I try to explain to my family that it doesn't matter that I've never done drugs, I still was scared that I was going to become addicted. And that, it doesn't matter that I have never touched a child in an inappropriate way, nor would I ever want to, yet I still think I'm a pedophile. And I know that you have to have sexual contact with a person in order to contract AIDS, but that does not matter, I still feel that I do have AIDS. This is really crazy making. I know how crazy it sounds, but my head will not let go of these crazy things. I feel like they go around and around and around. There is no stopping theses thoughts.

    I obsessed about this for about a month until I got help. I had to tell someone. I felt worthless and depressed and I wanted to die. One of the hardest things I've had to do in my life was tell my Mom about this intrusive thought I had. She was very understanding, and knew that my thoughts were irrational. A big part of this whole OCD thing, I have found, is the need to confess. I had to confess everything I was thinking. It helped some, but I still felt hopeless. I would try to rationalize and analyze every thought to make myself feel better. Nothing worked.

    I've been on every medication imaginable, and that help is only temporary. The meds don't fix anything. They only make you numb, and the second you go off, the negative thoughts come right back. I am seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist now, but I feel like the only relief I have, has come from relating to others who suffer with this crap.

    If anyone has had any similar obsessions, please tell me how you deal. Any words of wisdom or any information you have to offer is helpful. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to overcome in my life, but I am set on getting better. Also, if anyone has any questions about anything I had to say, I'd be happy to answer.

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  3. #2

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    What you are describing are classic OCD symptoms, or at least one form of OCD (primarily obsessive intrusive thoughts rather than the compulsions). It's also becoming clearer that it is not at all uncommon for them to start in childhood.

    When you say you've been on "every medication imaginable", can you tell me what those were?

  4. #3

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    Zoloft, Prozac, Effexor, Wellburtin, Buspar, Lexapro, Luvox, Risperdal, Ritalin, Provil, there are others but i can't remember their names.

  5. #4

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    Holy cow... you have been through the ringer... even Ritalin? Curious... I suspect you've been through a series of different diagnoses when I look at that list...

    1. Do you recall whether these medications were generic forms or "brand names"?
    2. Did ANY of these make even a small difference? Did any of them make it worse?

  6. #5

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    I have been diagnosed with OCD, depression, BDD, and social phobia. I used the brand names, not the generic forms.

    With most of the SSRIs I had temporary relief, but within 6 months or less the symptoms returned. I also gained about 50lbs trying all these different meds.

    The Ritalin made me crazy. I would get really angry and I wouldn't know why. I would blow up about the littlest things. It made me act like a completely different person.

    The last medication I tried, which I am currently still on as of now is Luvox. I get extremely depressed at night on this, but it seems to help a little with the OCD.

  7. #6

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    With treatment resistant OCD, the best of those does seem to be Luvox but some recent research suggests that the brand name is significantly better than the generic and that for some people the generic version does not work. I suggest that you double check that the pharmacist isn't sibstituting a generic...

    How long have you been on the Luvox and at what dose?

  8. #7

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    I've been taking the Luvox for about 3 months now. I got up to 150MG but recently decided to stop taking it. I slowly weaned myself off of it and got down to 50MG a day. After 2 days of not taking it, the OCD got so bad I had to get back on it. So as of now, I'm on 50MG a day.

  9. #8

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    Why did you decide to decrease it from 150mg? were you experiencing side effects?

    (got to run for now... back later)

  10. #9

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    On the Luvox I'm tired and moody. I feel like I'm in a daze every day. I just feel numb. I hate being dependent on medicine to feel "normal." It's really upsetting that I have to take this, but it's better than the alternative I guess.

  11. #10

    Has anyone had similar obsessive thoughts??

    Who is managing/monitoring/prescribing your medications, Rains... is it a GP or a psychiatrist?

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