Months ago I met the women who I feel in love with, deeply, we seem to have everything in common, so perfect, and yet too much in common. Depression has always been a terrible burden in my life, I am much to concerned with the impossibilities of human existence, the beauties and the devouring horrors of life. I found my beauty, my island, a place to hold perfect in my mind. Yet slowly as one does in a relationship, I learned of past pains, places where life had gnawed and cut its teeth on my beauty, my love. And the scars became more and more apparent. We talked the first day we became official, the scars were always there, always obvious on her skin, and now she hardly hides them anymore. Slowly as if waking a division of souls has been occuring; at one point she saved my life, and I saved hers, but I have began to slowly decay, her life, her scars the source of the rot rooting itself in my mind. I feel I need to let go, excavate what I can of her before I’m destroyed, but I cannot abandon her. I love her, I believe I will always love her, but what is going on is poisoning my life, and it’s effecting me so wholly it has come to deform every aspect of my life. So with this background, how does one leave the one they love for their own good without causing more scars to rise? Because of my influence in her life the cutting has been infrequent and diminished. I am afraid to abandon her to her pain, she recently is starting at the cutting again, but I can hardly hold the weight I must bare to love her in this state of self-destruction. I am lost as to what to do, at best I would love to stand beside her in the storm, either to be devoured along side her, or to bear her out, but I cant see this as an option any longer, for my own sake, least I die. How can I escape this torrent without destroying the flower I once stood over in the rain, hoping to deflect at least some of the missiles (yet there is always the impending flood.)? How do I save myself from another’s pain I selflessly (ha) and recklessly picked up? Is it really mine at all to have taken, or am I dreaming. Well I could write forever and in the end have said less then I have when I started, if any piece of since can be made please someone help me before I drown in the coming rain.
(How is it that I sound like such a piece of ____ when all I want is to be sincere? I don't even know why I'm posting this maybe I am insane, maybe this is the wrong forum.)