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  1. #1

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    I have too much to say, so I will try to keep it short. I tend to talk a lot.

    I am a 29 year old female, divorced with 2 children. I have bulimia and anorexia. Which is the big problem that I am facing right now.

    I live in Canada, born and raised.

    I guess I came here to find others that struggle with similar things as I do and gain some knowledge from them. I also like to help people, this is always my focus so I don't have time to look at me. I think we all tend to do that sometimes.

    My doctor told me that I am dying, slowly killing myself. I guess the scary part is, I can accept this.

    Haunting

  2. #2

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    Quote Originally Posted by Haunting
    My doctor told me that I am dying, slowly killing myself. I guess the scary part is, I can accept this.
    That scares me too.

    I wonder... how well do you think your children will accept it?

  3. #3

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    I just wanted to say hi. I truly hope that you can see that there is help for you. It sounds like you are in so much pain.

    I can relate on so many different levels.

    This is a good place to come and write what is bothering you.

  4. Hello everyone, I am new here

    Welcome, Haunting. I am pleased to know that you have found this site. There are a number of members here who suffer from the same disorder as you do. You will find a lot of insightful information here about anorexia/bulimia, as well as a lot of helpful discussion. We'll see you around!

    Anna

  5. #5

    Don't worry about this gal

    That scares me too.

    Well I guess this may worry some. But this is an acceptance from within myself. I am wanting so badly for others to accept this as well. Its hard to hear my doctor tell me this over and over. I finally figured that this is okay with me.

    No, I don't think it would be easy for my children by any means. Trust me, I don't want to hurt anyone, especially them. They are so wonderful. They are such loving kids. The best part is cuddling with them at bed time. But don't you think they deserve more than this? How can a mother like me deserve such loving, warm, gental souls like this? To be around sickness is not fair to them. I recently came across a book. Grabbed my heart and was simply riviting. It was a girl who had to live with a mother like me. In the end, her mother killed herself. She said she would have rather her mom die sooner. And I heard her pain, the life she did not deserve. I will never forget this book.

    jubjub, I am glad to have been fortunate to find this site as well. I can see how many loving people are here, I truly wish you all find the health and peace your fighting for.

    janetr, thanks dear. Yes, I wanted to come here to be able to write these things that I have allowed to control me. Yes, I am in pain, but aren't we all. If I had the magic, I would take it all away for you. So hello back, looking forward to reading what you all have to say. Be well.

    Haunting
    Opps, trying to figure out the quote thing. HEHE, I messed up, sorry. Please excuse my ignorence with computers. lol.

  6. #6

    hmmm

    Just looking this over and I should not have said the comment about accepting the dying part. I am sorry for that.

    I sit here thinking about what I say, as true as this is, its hard to see; mostly I suppose for others.

    I think of myself as a failure. The one who let her kids down. So them moving on without illness in their lives, well I see a better future for them. Not that it would make it easy. I used to be a wonderful mom. I do try very hard. I wear a mask that nobody can see what is really going on. For them, this is what they need to see. My kids are smart, they know its odd that mom never eats yet cooks for everyone. That she spends so much time in the washroom cause she is not feeling well. What they don't know is the cause of the frequent washroom trips. They had made a comment to our doctor that mom is forever in the bathroom. And said I don't eat. How terrible for them, to see this, yet not comprehending what the heck is going on.

    So I continue to lie, tell them I ate too much at lunch while they were in school. And I am in the washroom because it did not agree with me. Fact of the matter, I did not eat, and I took so many laxatives that I can't get out of the place that I find so often.

    So the answer to how well my kids would accept this; really a matter of time. In their adult years they would have figured this mess out. Probably will hate me, join the club. Not that I don't feel remorse. This is the hard part, hurting my babies.

    Haunting

  7. #7

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    Hi Haunting,

    I don't know how old your kids are, but you're their Mom as is, warts and all,
    as we all are. When we struggle we're just human and we have to deal with the
    issues. Which is pretty hard to do if we hide them so's we can't openly let
    our kids see we're struggling, and working at improving our problems. When our
    kids see us dealing with reality and trying to make it better, then Ithink we SHOW
    them its okay to be human, struggle, and have to work at making things better.
    Nothing to be ashamed of, just something to deal with.

    Our "weknesses" for lack of a better word, and having our kids see us work with them,
    teaches them self-acceptance when they have problems oof their own so they're more likely to
    recognize and get help for problems when they need that too. Its a real strength to
    be able to accept and show struggling, and dealing with strugggles :)

    It's real life ... which is what our kids need to learn to handle. Reality is ... we aren't perfect.
    And neither are they. At home with family I sorta of feel is where its so important to be
    able to "be real" ... etc

    These are just some of my own thoughts. I've been extremely judgemental of my own
    failures ... self-rejecting ... I see my daughters have similar attitudes sometimes. Yes,
    it hurts . Improving my own self-esteem shows my daughters they can improve thirs
    too and they can make changes in how they handle stuff too.

    Must run ... but take care ok :)
    Hugs from Kanadiana ...

  8. #8

    I agree

    I agree with you 100%. My kids are young which makes it hard to decide what I should tell them. They fear that mom will die. They see me going through this, and yes, they do day after day. And I hate myself for this.

    My kids are 10 and 7. They have seen so much through their lives already. Have been abused by their father, watched him beat me, and vitnessed unthinkable acts of violence. So how much can young minds cope with?

    They often bring up issues from the past. How dad threw things at mom, and ask why did he hurt you all the time. This is so hard to answer. I do my best and always tell them how much we BOTH love them. Their father has become much healthier with his anger issues. I don't worry about him harming them anymore, as he knows I will not allow it. I had the police involved as well as child protection as I needed to protect my kids from this kind of bull. He knows if he ever crosses this line, the safe boundries that my kids deserve, I will haul him into court so fast he won't know what hit him.

    I have gained so much knowledge over time. I have won so many battles. I have always been considered the "strong one". The fun girl who lets Elizabeth be who she is. I was never one to be pushed around, I stood my ground and spoke strongly with what I believe. I don't show this anymore. With many things I suppose I still do. When it comes to protecting my kids, you would not find anyone who would fight till the "death" (for lack of better terms). I have fought for years to keep my kids well, to keep myself sane. But it seems like everything has come crashing down all at once.

    My mom is dying of cancer, the daily war within myself, the constant reminder that I am killing myself with this ED. There is so much pent up from my past, how do you deal with it all; wish I knew.

    So I am not sure how much my kids can take. What do u say to such young children that have endured so much already. I do agree with you wholeheartedly.

    Haunting

  9. #9

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    Welcome, haunting. I look forward to many posts from you. :-)

  10. #10

    Hello everyone, I am new here

    Thanks Ash. Same here. I find what others say very interesting. Hits home many times, but I think that is good. I have already noticed that it helps release some of my tears, and tons of giggles (those are good).

    So I am also looking forward to reading posts here as well. Thanks again.

    Haunting

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