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Thread: A start.

  1. #1

    A start.

    Well for starters I found this site via google.

    My name is Matt, I am currently enduring my first year in college. I guess there isnt any certain disorder you could label me with, it is just an accumulation of many problems that really makes me angry with myself all of the time. I have so many problems I dont know where to start.

    We will just start with what comes to mind first, these are not in order of importance.

    First: My mom whom I lived with along with my sister all of my life for 18 years has moved to North Padre Island, Tx with her new husband. I guess you could see the problem now, but ill go on. I dont have any problem with my step-dad, Infact I wish that he would take care of her, but I definately feel abandoned. I had to argue with her to stay with me until the end of highschool.

    Second: I am addicted to an online game. Well I dont know if I am addicted, but I have spent probably close to 30 hours a week playing it the past few weeks. I have played this game for the last three years and have traveled around the country to play it in tournaments. I really dont want it to be apart of my life, because I dont really advance myself at all when it consumes 30 hours of my week and many of my daily thoughts. It had gotten in the way of school, but I have maintained close to a 3.0 granted I pull my failing grade in Math up to a C.

    Third: Like I said, im failing my Math class. Im used to being on the borderline however, this is college, and I REALLLLLY want to to well in college. I kept telling myself in Highschool that I would do good in college and although im doing okay, I cant afford to fail a class, that would be way to hard on me.

    Fourth: Im skinny. Ive always been really skinny, I want to gain weight really bad but im rarely hungry and many times I only eat because I realize that 8 hours have gone by and I havent eaten. Im 6 foot 1 inches and only 140lbs.. I often times get crap from other people about my weight, and I havent had a girl since grade 7 because of my confidence and my weight.

    Fifth: I can never sleep. I have currently went to a psychiatrist about this and have been prescribed ambien for my sleeping. Hopefully things will get better here but in the past I have gone days and days with only 2-5 hours of sleep total. Sometimes I cant get to sleep overnight at all, I just stay up until the morning, and stay up all day and night again.

    Sixth: I have absolutely no friends. My roommate is a friend, but not a close friend at all. We play that addictive game together, and talk about stuff but I have no friends, at all. I had a friend, a lifelong friend since the age of 2. Best friends, and he died of cancer last year october 31st. That really grew me up because he struggled with it for 5 years but losing him as my only friend has really did a number on me.

    The consequences of not having friends of family to talk to is probably the greatest problem I have. I have no where to vent these problems I have, and so the anger just grows. I have a tense feeling in my chest sometimes when I think about things that really really get at me. Im not always angry but I do have my times when I just sit there and internalize my anger silently.

    Sometimes I just rage internally I just want to yell or growl im so angry. The fact that I cant change circumstances sometimes is what makes me so angry. Sometimes I just feel like there is no justice in the world. People say im paranoid sometimes about their perception of me or my perception of a situation. I dont think I could ever materialize my anger into hurting someone seriously, but I do worry because im just not sure. Im not suicidal, but I feel strongly that im worthless sometimes. I feel that my mind has great potential but that I f*ck up everything with my addictive habits. Like I said, I went to get professional help for sleep, but that stemmed from going to a counselar one day after a night where I just laid there and couldnt stop being angry. Usually I can just put the anger aside and be optimistic, but that night I just couldnt be optimistic at all. I was angry, and had a knot im my stomach just like as I am typing right now spilling my guts.

    I guess what im looking for most of all is support that some people have been in my position before and have recovered and lived a prosperous life. Any of you out there?

  2. A start.

    Welcome, Mattius. You sound pretty normal to me for a guy your age and in your present position, going to college and all that. Life for you the past few months since you have started college must be very hard to make sense of, and doing badly in math must compound your anxiety. I can identify with that one. I did really well in high school, except for math! I excelled in every other subject, but math AND physics were my downfall and brought down my grade average quite a bit. I was continually upset by this, because even though I tried very hard, stayed after school for extra lessons and really tried hard to"get it", I could make no headway with these two subjects. I could not drop these subjects either. I would say that it was my frustration over my inability to improve my understanding of these subjects that caused me to quit school after I completed Grade ll. This was back in the late l960's mind you. I think these days students have a lot more choice and flexibility in the subjects they can choose to study, but in my day there was a set curriculum and you had to stick with that. I spent the two hours during my final math exam writing a six page dissertation trying to explain my inability to grasp the subject and pouring out my heartfelt feelings of frustration when it came to trying to grasp the different aspects of math we had covered throughout the year. I got 36% on that exam!

    I think if you could find the strength within yourself to quite the game playing on line you would solve many of your problems, i.e. forgetting to eat, losing sleep, your lack of real friends. Is there any way that you can drop math if it is the one subject that is bringing you down and substitute another course that you are interested in and fairly good at?

    As for feeling abandoned by your mother and sister, you are probably homesick for a home that is no longer there. This can be very confusing and I'm sure it makes you very sad as well, but if you start to fill your life with new interests and friends it may help to lessen your anxiety and pain a bit. In order to do that, though, you have to get off line and away from the game site and explore the possibilities open to you, i.e. using the time that you would spend at your computer game to get out and meet new real people and experience real life situations.

    That's the way I see it, anyway. I hope this has helped a bit.

  3. #3

    A start.

    I would agree with jubjub, Mattias. Clearly, the game isn't the only issue or source of distress in your life, but devoting that much time and energy to it is preventing you from making progress in other more important areas of your life.

    As for being too thin, bear in mind that will change as you get older any way and I don't mean solely because you'll put on weight per se but because over the next few years you will be putting on muscle, broadening your shoulders, etc. This is not uncommon in young men in their early to mid-20s (I'm assuming you're in that age range) and in another 10-15 years you will have the last laugh -- those "early developers" will start to look old and suddenly those same women who are star-struck by the jocks will be looking over their heads to guys like you...

    The main thing now is to start working on the real world and leaving the fantasy world behind -- make some real friends and get out there and interact with some real people.

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