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  1. #1

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    Not sure how to put this down on paper, but I need advice and I need it now. My daughter is a very beautiful full of life girl, her only problem with life is that she is darker then everyone else in her family and its getting to her more and more every year. You see she does not know that she has a different father then her brother, I know I need to tell her I'm just not sure how and I don't want to change the close relationship that she has with her daddy right now. I am scared of how she is going to feel and how my son is going to feel about it also. I went through a lot of operations and a lot of fertility drugs to have her, she was defiantly no accident. Me and my husband where having marriage problems because of my medical condition and we stopped having sex. He knew I was down to the last couple of fertility drugs available and on my 6th operation to say the least I was desperate and praying to god for a child. Yes it was wrong but I had an affair, I had to make sure I had done everything humanly possible to have a child I would not have another chance if all of the operations and the fertility drugs failed then I would have to have a hysterectomy. The man I had an affair with knew that I wanted to get pregnant our agreement was that he would never make any claims to my baby and I would never chase him for child support. He was a lot older then me and he was a sailor with a great French accent I assumed he was dark because he owned a few boats and was always talking about sailing, and I never asked his heritage (Not that it would have mattered to me). My husband excepted the baby from the time he found out I was pregnant it was like we feel in love all over again, and even when she was born and came out with black hair and dark skin all he said was 'I knew you messed you around' but he never took his eyes off of her he proudly carried her over to his family and said I'm a daddy. He has protected that girl from day one and does not want me to tell her that he is not her real father. A year later we had a son, yes his, he look just like his daddy. But I feel my daughter needs to know who she is and why she's different from us. People constantly ask her if she is Hispanic or even at a McDonalds they will ask "are you with them" and she has started raising her voice and yelling yes! That's my mom! I'm just darker! How do I tell her without destroying her world? She is a very special girl if she sees someone down she will not leave the room until she gets that person to smile, I don't want her to change she's too good of a person to hurt.Please help me.
    Last edited by Into The Light; December 30th, 2006 at 11:15 AM. Reason: removed odd characters

  2. #2

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    How old is your daughter?

  3. #3

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    I think Janet's point is well-taken: What you say to your daughter and how you say it will depend in part upon her age. But the more important issue is your husband:

    He has protected that girl from day one and does not want me to tell her that he is not her real father.
    Before you do anything, the two of you need to come to some sort of agreement on how to handle the situation. Sometimes, people who in their teens or as adults find out that their parents have hidden this sort of information from them feel deceived, betrayed, and angry. You need to talk about what to say when other people or your daughter bring up the difference in coloring, what to say later on if or when she begins to question your explanation (assuming you haven't told her the truth or part of it), etc.

    It may be helpful or necessary for you to have a session or two with a counsellor to help you consider the ramifications and implications of what you decide. One possibility I suppose is that you could continue to reinforce that you two are her parents and later at a certain age let her know that you had fertility problems and that she was conceived by anonymous artificial insemination or something along those lines. I wouldn't want to try to explain that to a pre-schooler, though, so it really is age dependent.

    One other point: I would definitely avoid saying anything that implies you husband is not her "real" father. He is her real father. The other man is the biological sperm donor, but he has never been a father to her.

  4. #4

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    My daughter is 11 she will be 12 in June. She has been asking questions since she was 4, basically every time she gets a new friend or we move to a new school. I have always told her that my family was very mix and that she got her dark color from my side of the family. But she's getting older and she' a smart girl it's not going to fly for much longer. Her biological father is still in the distance picture, I have always sent pictures to him and he come down a year ago out of curiosity of wanting to see her but he was introduced as a friend. He has his own children one girl a year older then mine and 7 older boys.
    Her heritage is French/Creole and she has all of her biological Father's looks, none of mine. I don't want to hurt her Dad in anyway but I need him to understand that the older she gets the harder it will be, she is Daddy's little girl and I can't see anything ever changing that. I forgot to mention that we have been divorced for the last 6 years, he pays child support on both of our children and he has them both every weekend he is a very devoted father I don't want to talk to her without his understanding. But most of all I don't know how to tell her, I don't want anything to hurt her or change the person she has become. I'm scared, I know it has to be done.
    Last edited by Into The Light; December 30th, 2006 at 11:17 AM. Reason: removed odd characters

  5. #5

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    That makes it a bit tougher. Any chance you could talk your ex-husband into going to see a child psychologist who could talk to you about alternatives and likely outcomes/pitfalls and perhaps help you reach a compromise?

  6. #6

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    No I will never get him to agree to that, I got him into marriage counseling years ago and he blames the counseling for our divorce.

  7. #7

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    Heh. Well, hon, my hair is dark and my eyes are brown. My husband's hair was dark and his eyes were brown. My daughter's hair is dark, ash blonde and her eyes are grey-blue. My son's hair is dark and his eyes are brown. Now, I know for sure who the father and mother of these two are. Soooo...

    Your ex-husband is this little girl's father. There's no question about that. He's the one who's been there for her through thick and thin. Whether you decide to tell her of her heritage, or not, that truth is unchangeable.

  8. #8

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    I seem to be giving the wrong impression or getting off track or something. I know who her Daddy is there is no question to that and I pray that she will not think anything less, he has been their from day one and he's the best Dad anyone could ever ask for.
    My concern is for the way I see my Daughter react to people pointing out the difference to her. It's not like I have brown hair and she has black. She was born with pitch black hair but it lightened up to brown the older she got. The difference is we are all very fair skinned, my son is blond blue eyes, lots of freckles and easy to burn. My daughter can walk next to a Hispanic family and look like she belongs with them. We are always asked questions, and now with her getting older she's being asked directly and she doesn't like it. If she looked anything like us the lie would be easy and I doubt I would ever consider telling her any different. But that's just not the case and I worry about her having an identity crisis. I want her to be proud of who she is.
    I worry about her Dad getting hurt, but he's a grown man. don't get me wrong I love him still to this day and I never want to hurt him especially when it comes to his love for his children and I don't want to tell her behind his back. But she's 11 and confused about who she is and why she looks the way she is and I can see it in her eyes that she knows we are lying to her, she's just not sure exactly what the lie is.
    I need guidance on how to tell her. Have I waited too long? Is this the right age? Do I tell her the whole truth? Is their a right way to tell her? And of course at the same time reinforce the fact that her Daddy will always be her Daddy. As they say anyone can father a child it takes a real man to be the daddy.
    Last edited by Into The Light; December 30th, 2006 at 11:59 AM. Reason: removed odd characters

  9. #9

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    I would like to thank everyone for the help they r giving me, just being able to put this down and have some kind of a discussion regarding it helps me a lot this site is wonderful thank you and God bless you all Merry Christmas.

  10. #10

    Your Daddy is not your real father

    Heh. I got remarried, and the man I married is blonde and blue-eyed. People used to oooh and ahhh about how much my daughter looked like her dad. We all had a giggle about it. However, that's a bit different, because my daughter knew her biological father. What I was trying to point out was that people can have kids that look absolutely nothing like them. Them old, recessive genes tend to pop up all over the place from time to time. ;)

    If your daughter doesn't know, and she seems concerned about it, it might be that the time has come to tell her of her origins. That's all they are...her origins. They are not who she is, and they do not change who her real, loving parents are. It might be a good idea, really, to have a talk with a counsellor to see what might be the best way to go about this, and what time might be best to choose. It's not something I've ever dealt with, but I sure feel your concern, and share it.

    For now, though....it's Christmas. Put it all behind you for the moment and have a wonderful, loving holiday season.

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