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  1. #1

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Let me take a deep breath, and here I go.

    It's cold in here, listening to Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb.

    It's a long story. I'd appreciate with all my heart (there's something left), any help I can get here. The only help I can get is here, both fortunately and unfortunately.

    Basically, I can't take it anymore. My name's Lucas, I'm 15 years old and I have been changing countries every year for the past 3 years or so. There is no time to become comfortable, there is time to create lots of friendships, but in the end... there is nothing left in the end, as I enter the plane and fly away to a foreign land.

    In three months I will be moving to Italy and to England six months after that. A whole world of opportunities, I'm sure. I'm not worried about my future, I know I'll have money, but what I'm worried about is what's happening inside of me. I hate it, I hate the world. I'm being fueled by hate, anger, hopelessness. I have no control over anything.

    An year has passed in Brazil, my native land, and I managed to supress my 3 year long depression a bit, by learning social skills (I had none before) which allowed me to smile and thus pretend to be happy, while being a wreck inside.

    I've read ALOT of psychology. I know that I need to see a professional, but that is out of question. Everytime I speak with a family member about this, we end up having a serious argument, I tell them my problems, and they just end up screaming and thinking they didn't raise me right.

    Logically, all I want is my family to be happy. When people are sad because of me, it makes me much more depressed. Speaking to them is not an option. Doctors are not an option, no money. No free help around here. No meds. All I've got is MYSELF, and whatever I can get here. I've been on my own for so long.

    Meditation, I thought. So I meditated for around 3 months, some happiness came, but then I moved to my grandma's house (full of people, I hate it), now I don't really want to do anything anymore.

    I've spent most of the last year without my father, most of the last-last year without my mother, and so on. It's a constant rollercoaster. It has been building up for so long.

    Six years ago I arrived in the US without speaking a single word in English, so I had to learn from scratch. Pretty easy for a little kid, but this was the start of my inferiority/superiority disorder (it's almost as if I have both of them), then after learning English back to Brazil again.

    Great, great life. Now back to the US. WTF!? LET ME SETTLE FIRST! Too late.

    I can't take it. In the beginning of this year, I cried so much EVERY SINGLE DAY. Although I cried today, I can't cry anymore. I wish I could. I have suicidal thoughts, but I won't carry through with them because I'm too STRONG, I want to face things no matter how hard they are.

    I wish I could be like other people. Some months ago (when my father was here), I punched open a window and had to go to the hospital get stitches. Then today in the car I punched the window many times, while my mom yelled all kinds of possible profanities.

    Stress is just way too high. Someone says "Hi", and I immediately want to beat the crap out of them for being ANNOYING. Everything annoys me.

    This year I got in fights with teachers everyday, set the school's bathroom on fire, set the mall's bathroom on fire and got arrested, and started smoking marijuana on a weekly basis. I have huffed glue once and been hospitalized due to alcohol OD. Don't worry, I'll be dying of old age not of this.

    It's a wreck. I just want to love everything, love everyone. I'm a pretty smart kid, IQ in the 130+, but still I can't function socially. (My mind tells me to never say I can't do something, but that's because I've conditioned it to be optimistic). I'd just wish a car would hit me - but there's so much more to the world than just ME. F**K! F**K! F**K!

    My friends joke, smile, talk. But I just sit there quiet. Say nothing, feel nothing. Be nothing. This makes me feel like ****.

    Led Zeppelin - Rock And Roll, been a lonely, lonely time.

    I'd be surprised if anyone's left, I know I'm supposed to only post the INFORMATION, and let you guys help out. But I dragged out as if this was literature, one thing I'm good at.

    I've also had serious cases of SLEEP PARALYSIS every night, and I suspect to have neucalepsy(sp?). Everynight I would be greated by "something evil", which apparently are hallucinations common in sleep paralysis (although I believe otherwise). This fueled my stress rates by getting only minutes of sleep.

    ....

    Enough. What can I do to help myself? No doctors, no family. Just me. What can I THINK, how can I change my train of thought, maybe something in NLP to fix the torment inside?

    Without help I'll sink into the earth and disappear, soon.

    --
    On a side note: MEDITATION, can this alone kill depression completely? I can enter trances and "states of well being", and have two Dalai-Lama books (which are encouraging). Points of views?

  2. #2

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Since you seem to like writing, you may want to keep a journal to help vent frustrations, anxieties, etc. if you are not already.

    I think resuming meditation is a good idea. One of the good things about meditation, of course, is that it makes clear the temporary nature of everything, especially the negative thoughts and emotions.

    I've also had serious cases of SLEEP PARALYSIS every night, and I suspect to have neucalepsy(sp?). Everynight I would be greated by "something evil", which apparently are hallucinations common in sleep paralysis (although I believe otherwise). This fueled my stress rates by getting only minutes of sleep.
    Of course, being able to reduce stress/anxiety throughout the day and evening by meditation, journal writing, exercise, music, focusing on hobbies/interests, ignoring negative self-talk, etc. would be helpful to minimize the sleep paralysis, as you said. Related web page excerpt:

    How can I stop the sleep paralysis?

    In severe cases, where episodes take place at least once a week for 6 months, medication may be used.

    You may be able to minimize the episodes by following good sleep hygiene:

    getting enough sleep
    reduce stress
    exercise regularly (but not too close to bedtime)
    keep a regular sleep schedule

    http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/paralysis.html
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. #3

    Re: All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Hi Nex/Lucas,

    I wanted to reply even though your situation sounds pretty overwhelming and I felt a bit overwhelmed myself reading it. And I had a lot of questions in my mind.

    First I want to compliment your English. It's excellent.

    Second, how is a 15 year old independently moving from country to country? Are you being shifted between various family members? What's going on with your parents that they aren't with you? Why don't they give you a stable environment to grow up in?

    If you're now in an American school, hasn't your acting out forced your family to bring you to psychotherapy? Obviously the fire setting is a huge warning sign about your anger and need for help. Not to mention the window punching. I'm sure your relatives/parents are worried sick but they are obviously emotionally troubled themselves and are doing the opposite of helping you. This pisses me off (towards them).

    If you're read a lot of psychology, have you read about family dynamics? I recommend a book that's "self help" but still useful: John Bradshaw on The Family. After I read it, I understood my problems much better and had a more realistic perspective about what to do next (and I needed therapy!). Your family clearly has some problems if they're letting a 15 year old get this angry/depressed and refuse to get him help.

    Personally I don't think meditation alone can manage a serious depression. But I bet it's very helpful especially if it's the only tool you've got at the moment.

    nutmeg

  4. #4

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    It wouldn't hurt to increase your intake of omega-3s, if you can, such as by asking to eat more fish, etc. As you know, excercise can help both stress and depression:

    Healthy Dos and Don'ts
    Here are a few eating tips to keep in mind when you're dealing with depression.

    Do:
    • Take a daily multivitamin and mineral supplement
    • Get regular, vigorous exercise daily
    • Drink plenty of water or other fluids like herbal tea
    • Eat more fish

    Don't:
    • Consume caffeine
    • Drink alcohol
    • Load up on simple sugars and simple carbohydrates
    Depression Relief Diet
    Also, there is the herbal supplement for depression called SAMe that is pretty cheap:
    Small Study Shows SAMe May Improve Treatment Of Depression The herbal supplement Kava may be "effective for short-term treatment for anxiety." This is according to the post Six Popular Herbal Therapies Have Mixed Risk-Benefit Profiles.
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  5. #5

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    There was a recent Health Canada warning about kava. I should try to locate that and update that page.

  6. #6

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Hi Lucas,
    I can sense your frustration with many things as I read your post. It can’t be easy to always be on the move. The uncertainty of it all can make anyone agitated. We are here to listen and offer suggestions that may help, and we’re not moving anywhere. :) So see? You’re already on your way to improvement.

    There are so many things in your post.
    - frustration with constantly moving
    - inability to talk to your parents (their guilt is affecting that)
    - feeling responsible for others unhappiness (big one)
    - control…you do have it but seems that you wish to give it up (wishing to be someone else, like others, or for something to harm you and remove you from control)
    - seeking attention with rebellious behavior
    - underlying worry that no one will be left

    I’m not sure where to begin. NLP uses models of excellence by modeling successes of others. It involves setting up a desirable outcome and using those models, aiming and achieving them. For example, taking on a state of a professional athlete while working out, or mimicking Tiger Woods when playing golf, or moving like Michael Jordan when playing basketball. However, I wouldn’t recommend using Arnold Schwarzenegger moves while dancing in a ballet (though he wasn’t half bad doing the tango in the film, True Lies). This means, that all outcomes and goals must be reasonable so as not to set yourself up for disappointment. Key things are to isolate and identify source of frustration, and then set an outcome by answering questions such as:
    - if I were in an ideal situation, what would it look like, sound like, feel like.
    - Do I have the necessary resources to make that happen?
    - If yes, how do I apply them to reach the desired outcome.
    - If no, what do I need to make that happen.

    Once you have that outcome, you simply do it. Here are some of the things you can try to alleviate frustration and have some fun:

    Improvisation: use the “yes, and” to chain events and ideas, this encourages acceptance while adding different spins (and humor) to any situation. For example: “we are going to the hills”…”yes, let’s go to the hills and we’ll dance while we’re there”…”yes, let’s dance while we’re there and sing like Maria from The Sound of Music”…”yes, let’s go to the hills and sing like Maria from The Sound of Music, and wear a tights like Robin Hood”…and so on. If you get a chance, watch the show “Whose line is it anyway?” It offers an excellent view of what improvisation can do, while making you laugh. Just let your imagination flow, don’t attempt to control it and let the fun and playful side come out. Have fun with it. Laugh. It won’t solve everything but it does lighten the load and all of the sudden, things don’t look as bad as imagined.

    Anchors: Set up anchors that invoke positive feelings, rather then zero in on the negative ones. There are times we hear a song that makes us smile and invokes good feelings, or if we sing we are reminded of something nice, or positioning ourselves in a comfortable setting, or wearing a favorite sweater. All those can be used to trigger a good state. So, put on your favorite sweater, crack up your favorite tune, get comfy, and sing, just like Maria in The Sound of Music.

    Physiology: Sometimes changing your physiology helps. For example, it is very difficult to feel happy when a person is stilling all slouched, breathing rapidly, while looking in a downward direction. On the other hand, if you sit up straight, breathe deeply (feel your lungs expanding with each breath), and looking up and straight ahead, it is difficult to feel sad or angry. It’s a bit awkward at first, but it does work. Try it.

    Big Picture: Look at the big picture (there are so many wonderful things about you and your life that show in your post). Go slow. It’s like reading a book, if you go too fast and focus on small parts, it’s difficult to make sense of things or to even enjoy it. But when we read a book we enjoy, we tend to take our time, reflecting on the entire story it tells, piecing it together bit by bit, using our imagination to see the pictures, slowing down during the good parts to take them in.

    Pretend: Sometimes pretending to be happy can result in actually being happy. It’s a form of self-manipulation that leads to well being allowing us to gain perspective and new focus. It is infectious also, and draws people closer. Explore it.

    Become curious: Approach everything with intense curiosity. Instead of thinking “oh no, I have to do that again”, try thinking “Oh, I wonder what’s that all about?” If you ever watch children, they look at everything with wide eyes and curiosity, nothing phases them because they’re taking it all in with excitement of something new. We sometimes can get stuck in a rut, “oh no, not that again”, but if we changed that to “oh, something new, what’s that all about”, or “what would happen if I were to <insert some new action>” along with other changes such as physiology and improvisation, we discover that we become intrigued, involved, and excited.

    Learn: Discomfort is not always a bad thing. It is said that when we’re uncomfortable, we are simply learning something new by experiencing something we’re not familiar with and the result is feeling as if we don’t belong or aren’t fully “with the program”. Keeping an open mind about that and using curiosity can shift the negative thoughts to positive ones. “Oh look, I’m about to learn something new…wonder if they like The Sound of Music?”.

    Thought pattern: When finding yourself getting agitated, switch your thinking and try to remember what you had for breakfast. Breaking a thought pattern can redirect focus from something negative to something mildly confusing but brining relief and gives you time to get a fresh perspective and focus.

    All of the above takes practice and yes, it may seem awkward and uncomfortable at first. But if you can incorporate that, you may find that amazing things will happen.

    Lastly, and this is not NLP, but do try to let others own their own feelings, good or bad. Own your own. Taking on others peoples feelings is like taking on a bag of rocks to carry. Or in your case, it’s like carrying everyone’s luggage. How long and how far do you wish to carry it all? Put them down and lighten the load. Not to worry, the good news is that if you feel the need to take it all on again, it’ll always be there, right where you left it. Or you may find that others will follow your lead and put down their rocks.

  7. #7

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    My favorite technique of those that Lana mentioned is "Become curious: Approach everything with intense curiosity."
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  8. #8

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    The part about pretending is also an excellent suggestion that did wonders for me. If you pretend to be happy, and worthy, and likeable...sooner or later, it becomes a habit and you realize that's what you were all along.

  9. #9

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatLady
    If you pretend to be happy, and worthy, and likeable...sooner or later, it becomes a habit and you realize that's what you were all along.
    Reminds me of the phrase "fake it till you make it."
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  10. #10

    All I know Is That I am Depressed

    Or that old song: "the more I fool the people I fear I fool myself as well", from Whistle A Happy Tune.

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