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  1. #1

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    I had a rough night with bad dreams last night. I am feeling so darn tired today. Thoughout my dreams I injured myself (only in dream). It was during an argument with my dad and I hurt myself in the end.

    The urges seem strong yet I want to fight this away. I don't want anymore scars--inside or out. I have an appointment tomorrow with my new t. I am unsure what to say to him as I don't want to say something that would alarm him. He had asked me about SI, why I feel that I use this to "get by". I explained that for me it can be a few things. Taking the emotional pain by causing physical helps me cope. But it can also be a warning sign that I am thinking about other things.

    But right now I don't feel suicidal. I was not too long ago--contemplating this but thats not what I want. But I do feel like harming myself. So what do I do?? If I give in I will feel worse about it later. And I know myself--could make me angrier at myself by doing this and continue with it. grrrrr.

    I know I have some good thoughts and positive things that I am working on....I don't want to lose sight of this. I am trying to hold onto the positives and not give in to what brings me down. But how?? This I find to be one of the hardest things to cope with. My head battling with the good and the bad. Like the little guys on ur shoulders. One telling you to stop and think the other taunting you to commit a violation against yourself.
    How is it possible to be smiling one minute, crying the next, then smiling again a couple of minutes later?? How is it possible to be like this yo-yo going up and down? I don't understand that at all and it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be happy...I don't want to allow myself into the darkness of depression. We all know its not a fun place to be.......HOW THOUGH??? What do I say to my t to help him help me through this without him freaking out? I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
    Haunting.

  2. #2

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    I think it's important to remember that nobody can help us if they're not working with a full deck, so to speak. If they don't know the truth of what's eating us, they can't really help us put it away for good. That's why it's so important, when seeing a therapist, to tell the truth...simply and completely.

    I also think we form habits. Some of them are bad habits. One of those bad habits is using poor coping mechanisms (like self-injury) to deal with our hurts and frustrations. It's those habits that keep us back. They're the little taunting guys. Like any other habit, they're going to give us a hard time when we decide to put them behind us. In some ways, we've come to depend on them, and we're not sure what might replace them. The unknown is always scary, hon.

    I've found, the best way to deal with things like this is to go moment to moment. Don't try to think ahead about "What am I going to do the next time this feeling comes around?". Just deal with it as it comes by fighting it off with positive, inspiring thoughts or actions, and move on as though it hadn't been there at all. Minute to minute, and baby steps, darlin'. That's what will get you through. That, and knowing we're here pulling for you all the way. :o)

  3. #3

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    Heh. I forgot to mention something that your post reminded me of. You asked if it was normal to be crying one moment and smiling the next. It reminded me of a time in my life when I was unable to laugh, or cry. If I laughed, it turned to tears. If I cried, it turned to laughter. I was doing both at the same time, and feeling terrified. I couldn't get out of that mixed emotional mode, once it began. It was a very difficult time for me, so I understand completely what you're talking about.

    As to whether it's normal, or not, I really don't know. I don't think much about what's "normal" anymore. All I can be is me...normal, or not. ;o)

  4. #4

    Re: How to beat the urges--HELP

    Quote Originally Posted by haunting
    I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
    Haunting.
    i understand what you mean. Two years ago I tried to kill myself and they said if I even mentioned that it was a suicide attempt they would put me away so it was an "accidental overdose" and that was it. It is scary. You just have to trust that getting all that out will be for the best in the long run no matter what happens. I think.

  5. #5

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    Another thing to think about...whether we like it or not...is that, sometimes, our power to decide what's best for us is compromised by our depression. That's when we really need someone to step in and make the decision for us, since we're not really able to do it for ourselves.

  6. #6

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    From my experience I agree with your idea Thatlady. I suffered with depression for years and did not start to become healthy until I found a physician who was able to tell that I required assistance in making the decision to at least try an antidepressant. It worked and I'm doing much better. The doctor who helped me had alot of experience in this area and I think that made alot of difference.

  7. #7

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    One thing that helps me with the urges, it's kind of silly, is to think of someone I love or someone who loves me (hard as it is to believe, but there are people who I think love me) and remember that they wouldn't want me to hurt myself. Even if it's just thinking about my dog or my cats who love me I believe. And if it means anything at all, I don't want you to hurt yourself.

  8. #8

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    Thanks everyone for the ideas and insight.

    I did not make it to my appointment today. I called early this morning to cancel and set up a new appointment.

    I am sooo sick. I woke up with such pain in my tummy. Felt like the flu coming on. But as the day went on I started to feel better--but did not last long. Then I broke out in this terrible rash. IT HURTS!!

    My face is covered and ichy. It spead to my neck as well. My hands are beat red and stinging. They look raw. My throat is so sore I don't even want to talk. So between this and pain in my tummy--not in the best of moods. I feel really tired but can't sleep. This rash is driving me insane. I want to scratch but am trying not to. Bad thing is...doctors offices are all closed today. (well its almost 4am.)

    OOHHH sorry-----HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Gee don't I feel like a goof;lolol.
    Good part is, I got through this without too much grief about the baby. I think I was fretting too much. I am starting to accept the fact that this has happened and I can't change it. I was not healthy enough to carry-obviously. And really...I could not manage a baby at this point in my life. Not that I don't feel remorse, as I do. Just trying to look at this in the sense that this was the way it had to be...things do happen sometimes for reasons unknown. And thats where we have to leave it.

    But I do feel like poo-poo. Oh, and my dog messed big time in the house (speaking of poo);lololol. I really did not want to deal with a mess but there are worse things in life.

    I am tempted to go to the ER. But its only a rash, and a couple other little things. Big deal. Don't have much further to insanity anyway (just kidding). I look like a wreck, so I am gunna hide in my bed and try to sleep.

    Thanks for responding--in the SI department, I am okay.

    Haunting

  9. #9

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    Oh no, I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you're ok in the SI department though and glad you made it through yesterday.

  10. #10

    How to beat the urges--HELP

    haunting, sorry to hear you are sick and very uncomfortable. If you don't go to the ER I hope you will set up a doctor's appt. for a check up tomorrow. Do you have good medical advice available? I hope so. Take care and hope you feel better as the day goes on.

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