Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    1,207
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    I have been hesitant to do this write up, so while Iím feeling brave, here is the glimpseÖ.

    Iím a survivor. Growing up, I was an only child (to a single parent) with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I was held responsible for everything that anyone has done or didnít do. I felt her every ache and every upset (physically and mentally). I was also responsible for her because itís what she wanted and conditioned me to do so. I believe the term for that is ďparentifiedĒ. In essence, I was the ďparentĒ to her also. Today, I wear the physical marks she rewarded me with.

    At age 13, I immigrated to Canada. New language, new place, no friends, and an angry parent were my challenges. I am bright and picked up English fairly quickly, but was the odd kid that did all I could to be invisible, especially in a gym class where bruises can be easily seen. One time I wasnít so lucky and a teacher reported me to Childrenís Aid. Mom played along, but I paid the price for my carelessness. No one followed up because when asked, I assured them that everything was wonderful with a big smile on my face.

    When I was 16, I was kicked out of home and lived on the streets, but not for long (2-3 months). Out of desperation and circumstances I drew the line; take my own life or take charge of my own life. As a last resort, I asked for help from the least likely source and got it. With that, I was able to stand on my own two feet, even though they were a bit wobbly.

    Although I was out of her home, the abuse didnít stop. In fact, the emotional and mental part of it escalated, became more vicious, especially when I got my own place (size of a closet but all my own). But it subsided after about a year or so. A year after that, I went back home, thinking we were getting along well, and went to college. But soon enough the abuse came back, albeit less frequently. Either that or I was really good at managing the stress. :) At age of 23, I fought back and shortly after left home. As expected, the emotional and mental abuse followed, more severe then before.

    It took me many years (in my mid 30ís), and much pleading from my family doctor, to see someone and then learn what has happened and how it was affecting me. I donít remember my childhood. Aside from some incidents, many years are a complete blank. Through therapy, I learned and admitted the abuse (because up to that point it never occurred to me that thatís what has happenedÖI thought it was normal and happened to everyone), the RAD, the depression, and managed to recall some things, instantly wishing I didnít. It was a rough trip, with other issues on board for the ride but I came out the other side stronger, healthier, and traded surviving for living and learning.

    I did a lot of work on myself in the last few years with tons of research, reading, and studying. Iíve also been able to sever ties with my tormentor who insisted that I got all that I deserved. Looking at my life today, I'd say she's right...I have all that I deserve now. It was the hardest work Iíve ever done and Iím still work in progress. But through it all I found a passion for psychology, desire to learn more (my friend calls me a psych-junkie because of books I read LOL), and a deep desire to help others.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Ottawa, Canada
    Posts
    33,657
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    That's a remarkable story, Lana... a story of courage and strength and hope.

    Thank you.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Toronto ON
    Posts
    1,517
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Where I come from...

    It was a rough trip, with other issues on board for the ride but I came out the other side stronger, healthier, and traded surviving for living and learning.
    I can only imagine how difficult this was for you. Thanks for sharing your courageous journey and it's a pleasure to have you with us, Lana.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    4,104
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    Thanks for sharing, Lana. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you. The courage you've shown, and the progress you've made are commendable, to say the least. You're right. You have exactly what you deserve! Kudos, and it's such an honor, and a pleasure, to know you.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    8,464
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    I agree with what everyone has said so far. And I'm glad you're here. :)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    1,207
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    Thank you all for your kind words, and thank you for this forum. It is good to be here.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    40
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    Welcome to the forum!

    It is nice to hear from another survivor. I can't remember alot of my past either, some is foggy, some just isn't there anymore. I believe we conciously or sub-conciously blocked it out. Do you find that you still have a tendency to forget things quickly? I'm trying to rebuild my memory capabilities because I built up such a wall between the present & the past that I find my once good memorization skills have really gone down...

    Congratulations on finding the right path & sticking to it. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say we are proud of you for your accomplishments!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    145
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    Thank you for sharing your inspirational story of courage Lana. It has helped me today.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    1,207
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    CM;

    *big smile* Iím glad that you found it helpful. Please feel free to ask any questions, here or in private and Iíll do what I can to answer them. I find that sometimes, opening up, while scary, can be very liberating. No more secrets or vulnerabilities to hide and in that, we find strength, confidence, and understanding. Itís one less thing that we need to carry within.

    Jon;

    I believe that selective memory is a simple survival tactic that some of us deploy. Today, my memory is quite good (but fading with age LOL). Some of my friends laugh when I recall conversations or events accurately, right down to specific phrases. I suspect itís because I can focus really well while discarding the ďnoiseĒ around me, trait I learned while assessing her moods gauging my own behavior and reactions. Itís a blessing and a curse all at once, especially when I begin to internalize things.

    But youíre right about the memory block with regards to my past. When my doctor asked me to consider talking about my childhood, I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and agitated for a couple of reasons. One is that I instantly felt defensive and didnít see what it had to do with anything at the time. And second, is that I drew a complete blank, which scared me because Iím one of those persons that can recall a conversation I had with someone a year or more ago. I even considered not going back, but figured I had nothing to loose and much to gain. She was very good and clearly stated, and repeated, that we would only discuss the past if and when Iím comfortable and ready, not a moment sooner. It was up to me.

    Isnít that ironic that I could clearly recall events (with any significance) from two years ago, but ask me to remember what happened in my childhood and I draw a complete blank? I have a total of about a dozen memories from that time, scattered throughout the years. I also have some photographs of a much younger me and for the life of me canít remember what was happening then. I can remember the outfits, or colors, sometimes places, but not the big picture. In some cases, when I look at the picture, I can't even recall that moment when a shot was taken, I even have a hard time recognizing myself. Sometimes I recall some place that feels so very familiar, but canít place it. Itís bizarre. Maybe that ďclean slateĒ is what allows me to have a good memory today. Who knows.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    40
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Where I come from...

    I guess I still haven't fully learned to shut off my memory shield. Like you I remember bits & pieces, but I look at old photos and don't remember the situations at all. My sister on the other hand constantly reminds me of things from when she was 2-5 years old. I don't remember the events at all, but she remembers them vividly.

    I more or less came to the conclusion that I would live in the present and the future not in the past. That is something that really helped me get out of my situation and on top of things. Now I need to learn to lower the shield a bit more so that I can retain more of my more recent past. Not that I can't learn & retain, its more of a "If I don't feel it's important to remember, out it goes" type of thing.

    Jon

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Disclaimer: PsychLinks is not responsible for the content of posts or comments by forum members.

Additional Forum Web Design by PsychLinks
© All rights reserved.