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Thread: Sick

  1. #1

    Sick

    I'm very new to all of this, but not new to the feeling that I am out of control. I do not know what is wrong with me and I do not know where to start to find out. But I need to find out. Does anyone know how to help? My friends do not understand...how can they? They only know that I cannot connect with any of them on any real level. They know nothing of my past or the real me. I don't even know the real me anymore...I don't feel as though I ever really did.
    I am desperate.
    I am becoming consumed with the very things that I have tried to hide for seventeen years.
    I am so scared.

    M.J.

  2. #2

    Sick

    What, exactly, are you afraid of, hon? Can you give us a bit more information about what you're feeling, when it started, and if you're seeing a counsellor?

  3. #3

    Re: Sick

    I am afraid of what I'm going to find out. I'm afraid that I already know. I have alienated myself from everyone and I don't know how to come back from that. I am in the process of finding therapy again...but I am a coward. The last time I tried to face this, I failed. I lied to my therapist and my friends and anyone who wanted to see me succeed. I don't why I did that. I want to stop feeling the way that I do, but I feel like I can't make the journey. Sounds pretty wesk huh? I feel pretty weak. I feel ineffective and of no consequence to anyone or anything. I feel not here...not anywhere. And now I want to reach out to the person I hurt the most in all of this, but I am afraid of that as well. It seems easier to believe in the rejection rather than to face it. Only it's not easier. And now that I really need someone, that person cannot be there because of the things I have done, and there is simply no one left. I just feel so very very lost.

    M.J

  4. #4

    Sick

    What is it you believe you have done to alienate people? What is it you need therapy for? What is it you lied to your therapist and friends about?

  5. #5

    Sick

    This is a very safe place to talk about your worries, Mary. Please share with us what's troubling you, what you feel you've done, and what it is you've tried to face before and failed. Many of us here have felt alienated and lost. We do understand. It's just a lot easier for us to try to help if we know what it is you're suffering over.

  6. #6

    Sick

    I lie about everything, all of the time. I lie to protect the biggest lie, one that I ahve kept up for seventeen years. I endured my father's abuse for 12 years, all kinds of horrible things. I was finally removed from that environment. From that moment on, to anyone who didn't know me, I made up a new family history. I invented everything. But I always had to protect that lie, and tell 100 more lies to that end. But in the process, I have discovered that I have an enormous fear of rejection and abandonment. So I would lie to cover up any mistakes I had made so that people wouldn't leave me. And then I would tell people things I thought they wanted to hear so that they wouldn't just not leave me, but that they would actively want to stay with me. Does that make any sense?
    Then I became involved in a volitile relationship that triggered all kinds of memories for me. But I didn't have the strength to leave...I don't want to be the one abandoning someone else. I did love this person, but I don't think I was ever in love. In fact, I don't believe I really know what that feels like because I have never loved anyone enough to tell them the truth about who I really am.
    I finally left this person and I buried the guilt of that very deep. But I couldn't do it alone. I mean i left only when I had found someone else. Things were as fine as they could be considering who I was and what i was doing. But the Ex calls one day and she wants a relationship and I feel as though I would be letting her down by not getting involved with her. This going to sound crazy but I wanted her to believe that I was sorry for leaving, and I had missed her, because it was the truth. Only I didn't think she would believe it unless I became involved with her again. I tried to say no to her 100 times, without ever saying no for the honest reasons. That while I would always have love for, I didn;t want to be with her. She wouldn't accept "no". So I felt I had no choice. But being the coward that I am, I couldn't be honest with my current partner. And I didn't want to leave her, but i felt as though I owed it to my ex. So instead of leaving her I made up a fantastic story about taking a job in Thunder Bay. And I sat back and waited for her to leave me. But she wouldn't. Then i tried the same story with the ex and I sat back and waited for her to leave me, but she wouldn't either. Both were always very angry with me because I was non-communicative and distant and always very sad. I was so tired of the lie but it got to be too big. I felt that telling the truth at t at point would be like stepping off a cliff.
    Anyway, all was found out and that is how it should be. But I am left now to deal with this behaviour once and for all. I cannot live like this any longer, but i do not know where to begin. I feel as though there are so many issues to deal with here.

    Too much huh? I just started writing and couldn't stop. There is obviously so much more, but the details are too many. I am a pathological lier and I do not know how to stop myself. I have issues with food (not eating) that stems from my childhood. I lie about food everyday. I have issues with intamacy and aggressive behaviour. I have issues with complete sadness for long periods of time. Funny, I have never considered suicide, because then all of my lies would be found out and I didn't want anyone to feel betrayed by me, even in death.
    I am so desperate for a way out. Everything is so very overwhelming!!

    Thanks for "listening".

    M.J.

  7. #7

    Sick

    Considering your treatment by your father, you have reason to have "issues", hon. People who suffer abuse as children are left scarred by that treatment. It's not just you, Mary. It's anyone who suffered such abuse. It's not your fault. You didn't do it, it was done TO you, and it's perfectly understandable why you would want to keep it a secret. It's not something one wishes to have happened to them. Yet, it's important to remember that the things that happened to you are just that...things that happened to you. They ARE NOT you. They are events. You are a person separate from those events.

    Getting caught up in lies is not uncommon, either. It happens to a lot of people. It happened to me. I thought I'd never get beyond it, but I did. I simply decided I wasn't going to lie anymore, ever. It wasn't easy. It was very difficult. It took concentrated effort and determination. It took me announcing, in the middle of a lie, "Wait. That's not really the way it was. Let me tell it the way it REALLY was.". I did that with a very good friend and, thankfully, she understood and helped me to get through my difficulties with lieing. I had to stop more than once and restart what I was saying, but...well, finally, it was over.

    You really need to get some help, hon. You need counselling and someone to talk to who is safe and non-judgemental. With that help, you can conquer the problems you're facing. It won't happen tomorrow, and probably not next week, but it will happen if you work at it consistently. You'll backslide at times, but you need to realize that that's to be expected and just keep trying. There is a way out of this and the way is within you.

  8. #8

    Sick

    Thanks for your words. I know that you are speaking from experience and I can appreciate the wisdom in that. I want to believe that it will get better, and my rational brain tells me that if I'm willing to work at it and have faith in the process and myself, that it can only get better. But I'm just not in that rational place right now. I know that that too will pass. This weekend has been a hard one. Everything crashed about two weeks ago, but I am only just now allowing myself to feel anything about it. So it's coming hard and fast ya know?
    I have been trying to figure out what to do about the people I have hurt. I mean I have taken away the future that my partner had planned with me. I have robbed her of that, and I want to somehow make it OK. I want a take-back. I know that's not possible but I still want it. What I'm unsure of I guess is why I want to reach out to her. I want her to understand why I have done this without trying to use it as an excuse. It is only an explanation. But is that distinction necessary for her right now, and is it really for her or for me? When you have lied for so long about so many things, you really loose touch with any kind of knowledge about your true motivations, or worse, you do not trust your own motivations for anything. Even now, I believe that I am being honest with myself but I don't trust that I am. Does that make any sense? I wish I could fix this for her, and for me, and for everyone affected by all of this.

    M.J

  9. #9

    Sick

    Unfortunately, life doesn't give us many "take-backs". I wish it did. I imagine everyone does, at one time or another.

    Are you still in contact with your ex-partner at all? Do you talk to her, or has she severed the relationship? If you're still talking, you could make the effort to start coming clean with her. Tell her the truth...all of it. Explain that you're going to quit lieing, and you're starting now. If you're not talking, however, it's probably best to leave it alone for now. You've got bigger fish to fry than to try to make amends for the past. You have the present and future to deal with, and those must come first. The past is behind us, so it will wait. If we don't deal with our problems in the "now", they'll keep repeating themselves ad nauseum.

  10. #10

    Sick

    She ahs asked for an explanation. I came clean with all of the lies, but it helped that the two of them also went over everything. So now both know all. But I feel as though I should face whatever she may have to say to me. One of them has offered to help me through this and I am so lucky to have that. But I have not spoken to the other as of yet. She is the one that I had planned a future with and I am also grieving the loss of that future, even if it was my actions that destroyed the entire thing. As I said, I think I should not run away from her anger, if she wants to express it. It seems to me that running away from confrontation and anger and disappointment is what got me into this mess to begin with. Si I believe I should call her and face whatever she may have to say. Am I skewed in this thinking? I hear what you're saying about bigger fish to fry and I agree. But the guilt over my most recent behaviour may stop me from really moving forward in a productive way. What do you think?

    M.J

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