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  1. #1

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Hmm as I sit here staring at this blank page I wonder just how to do this without sounding like I am wining or complaining. Most of the time I keep a tight lid on the reall me. ;>) lol, but then sometimes I am not sure of who the reall me is, if that makes sense.

    I'm eternally 29 years old. I have 5 beautiful children with whom I feel that my life has been greatly blessed. 4boys 1 girl.

    I come from a large family, 4 brothers and 1 sister.

    From a very early age I was sexually abused by my dad. This went on until I was 10years old. I did at the age of 4 try to tell my mom what was going on, but when you don't know what is happening to you, how do you convey that? Then of course I had to stand before my dad with my mom to try to convey this as well. Uhmm, not a good idea.

    I was in 4th grade when I could finally get this across to my mom. She was going to leave, but didn't. While they were fighting this out, my dad "faked" an attempt to shoot himself. I say faked as he was a police officer and knew how to fire a gun.

    For a long time I never understood why mom never left, but years later I would in a way understand why.

    So at the end of the 4th grade I was hit by a car which broke my left hip and pelivc bone, left thigh and right calf. I was in the hospital for a few months and then sent home in a body cast. When my cast was removed I had this fear that my legs were still broke, and lived with my dad downing me and calling me lazy for not walking right away. It took me a while to get up and walk with the walker. They didn't have therapy back then.

    All of my life living at home was one abusive thing after another. Once the sexual was over with it was mental physical and verbal abuse. I grew up hearing that I was not worth anything and never would amount to anything. When I started dating I would hear that I was a slut and a tramp. During my teen years I became an anorixic bulemic. At that time though not many people knew of this, and I managed to workthrough this as well.

    When I graduated High school I went to a bible college in Omaha nebraska. I didnt know it at the time, or maybe I did, I was just runing from things at home. I was not prepared for college as I did not take any courses that were college realted in school, so I guess I failed at that as well.

    Dating was interesting as the guys that did treat me good, I just could not relate to. I didn't feel worthy of them and didn't stay with them long (although the one guy that I could have and would have stayed with ended up drowining. We had been friends at the time, but always discussed going back togehter when we were both more grown up). Then I met my husband. Went out for a few years and eventually got into a sexual relationship, which was against my beliefs at the time. However he had questioned me once as to if my past would interfer with me if I ever got married. Of course that ate at me. And the relationship just evolved into a sexual one. Not long after that started the guy I previously mentioned drowned. I was devestated and just clung to my husband at the time. While dating I knew that my husband had a drinking problem, but did not realize the extent of it till we were married. We were always fighting and breaking up and going back togehter. Then I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Eventually we were married.

    Our marriage was not a good one for a long time. I then learned why my mom didn't leave. It isn't easy to pack up and leave when you have 3 small children. And even though there are organizations out there, they werent at the time any help. I had went to people against spouse abuse but they told me that I had to be out of the house for 2 weeks before they could help me. Go figure right? I heard for many years how lousy of a wife and mother I was. I had a great big self esteem problem.
    Finally he did stop drinking when I started to work. Another thing about him is that he is very jealous of anyone that I have in my life as a friend. Right now I have online friends, those he cant take away from me. He is also a tormentor. Once he knows that the kids don't like something he keeps doign it to them. And he goes through phases with this. I just hope that all the love that I give to them balances out the teasing that doesn't stop. I want to see the cycle of abuse stop.

    After he stopped drinking two more children came along. When my youngest was in kindergarden I started working again. I had previously did craft shows for about 10 years. As my luck goes, I was working one night and fell, actually several times. To make a long story short on that one, I inured 8-9 discs in my back, both shoulders, left hip and right knee. I have one disc that is in contact with the cord at the T8-9 level. I also have residual things that have come about from the spinal injury. I have fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrom, raynauds phenm, and pheripheral nerve disease, and just recently recovered from mild heart failure which they seem to think is related to the back. (however try to get the workers comp drs to see this? NOT)

    About a year after this we got our computer as a way for me to sell crafts online. Well once i started learning web design I was hooked on it. I applied at our local disability office for schooling, however i was physically qualified but due to my husbands retirement fund I was not qualified. Go figure that one out right?

    So I am teaching myself all that I know and I have come a long way with it in two years. It has been a long two years due to medications. I was up to 9 meds a day and they were clouding my thought process greatly so I took myself off of them. Well most of them. Since the heart failure though they have increased again, but ones that are to control things in that area.

    I guess what I would like to leave off with this is that we are all worth something. No one has the right to take that away from us. For some of us it takes a while to realize that we are something special and we are worth something in life. And we do at times have to fight to do what we want to do and work through the voices of the past. I have to say that my faith in God also helped me to get through a good bit of all of this.

    Well that is my ramble for the day. I hope that I didn't go to far with my book to introduce myself.

    Just remember. God does not creat worthless people. We are all special and worth the world.

  2. #2

    Re: Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    That is a remarkable story of courage, persistence, and triumph, momof5... a poignant testament to the strength of the human spirit. I was especially caught by this part of your post:

    Quote Originally Posted by momof5
    I guess what I would like to leave off with this is that we are all worth something. No one has the right to take that away from us. For some of us it takes a while to realize that we are something special and we are worth something in life. And we do at times have to fight to do what we want to do and work through the voices of the past. I have to say that my faith in God also helped me to get through a good bit of all of this... Just remember. God does not creat worthless people. We are all special and worth the world.
    I don't know how one would say this any better than you have.

    I often talk to clients (especially in grief counselling) about the notion of legacy - what we will leave behind when we eventually come to the end of our lives. To me, that is primarily measured in what impact we have on others, not only those we meet face to face but those we influence without even being aware of it. Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to influence that individual in a positive way or to do so in a negative way - the choice we make at that moment affect not only that person but others s/he may interact with that day and in the following days, rather like the ripple effect one sees when tossing a pebble into a small pond or lake. Whether or not we have children ourselves, we also transmit that effect from one generation to the next, again either directly or indirectly. What that means is that a single person has the power to influence (for better or for worse) large numbers of other people across time and across space, and at the end of that person's life, that is his or her legacy. Those who talk about karma or "meaning" or similar concepts mean something similar, I think.

    There is a powerful book written years ago by Viktor Frankl, called Man's Search for Meaning - it is fundamentally about making sense of what happens to us in our lives and in finding meaning and purpose - it was based on his experience in a concentration camp in World War II and after the war served as the basis for a form of psychotherapy that he developed known as logotherapy. You might find this interesting...

    A short story by Albert Payson Terhune in a book called Heart of a Dog also comes to mind - I read this when I was about 10 and it always stuck with me: in the story, a young boy in a life-threatening predicament encourages himself while waiting for help by repeating his grandfather's words to himself over and over... "Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer".

    Thank you for posting this, momof5 - I hope you find this forum helpful and I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.

  3. #3

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Thank you for your kind words in response to the quote that you posted. I just wish that more people would realize this about themselves.

    "Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer".
    I find this very interesting as I have always said that I live life second by second at times. I never looked at it as having courage. Amazing how when put in a different term the perspective is so different.

    Logotherapy sounds extremly interesting. I'm going to have to do a search on this for information.

    And you are correct about the ripple effect in life. To smile at a stranger could be the one thing that could make their day.

    I know that this is going to be an excellent forum to be a part of. Thank you for putting something like this up online.

  4. #4

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Here's a listing for the book at Amazon - click on the title:

    Frankl, Viktor
    Man's Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press, 1988

  5. #5

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Thank you for the listing. I'm considering ordering it. I'm sure that my daughter would be interested in this as well. Right now she is taking psych courses at college. Though she isn't sure where she is going with it, but enjoys it.

    Years ago I had read Corrie Ten Booms book on her time in the concentration camp. (I hope that I spelled her name correctly!) It was an excellent book.

  6. Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Welcome momof5

    Telling your story could be the first step in healing. You show extreme strength in sharing what you have and it looks as though you have hit the main point. It is not so important what others think of you, it is most important what you think of yourself and your post indicates you have that in perspective now. Keep telling yourself that you are worth it and those things that happened to you are not your fault so don't carry the guilt, give it back to them.

  7. #7

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Hi dmcgill,
    thank you for the welcome.

    As far as the sexual abuse is concerned, I dont' think i ever thought that was my fault.

    Of course as a child, I would think that everyone knew what was happening to me, and somehow I knew it was wrong, and everyone disliked me because of it. I was overweight and picked on a good bit. I think though that because of my thoughts I became someone that was easy to pick on, if that makes sense.

    The part that was always difficult to over come were the verbal and mental abuses as well. I think they are the ones that entered into doubting my self confidence. Then marrying someone who basically took over where dad left off.

    The past few years though since my injuries at work, I have been working on the self part of it all. I guess when you aren't working you have a good bit of time to think about things. Not that this is always good. And a friend that entered into my life has made a big difference in how I look at myself as well. I never considred myself as intelligent etc.. But here I am now teaching myself web design. And believeing more in myself then I ever had my entire life.

    Of course there are fall backs into the insecurities, however, they don't last as long. I think though to some extent they will always be there though.
    Thanks again for the welcome!

  8. #8

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Hi Mom of 5...
    I'm new here, but thank you for writing your introduction...thank you for your openness and honesty about your traumatic life.
    I too have deep faith in God (I have read 'The Hiding Place' Corrie Ten Boom also), and the thing that enabled her, and I guess you and I, and many, to move forwards, is forgiveness...
    Giving and receiving forgiveness....it brings healing...
    I know I couldn't give forgiveness if I hadn't received it in the first place.

    I'm just wondering how much to write about my life... :D
    You set a good example...
    I, too, think this forum is a great thing...and would love to be part of encouraging it to thrive. (That doesn't sound quite right, but my mind is tired and I can't find the right words), ha ha ha.
    It's nearly 10 pm here in England.

  9. #9

    Hi Everyone Here is my intro

    Quote Originally Posted by sammy
    Hi Mom of 5...
    I'm new here, but thank you for writing your introduction...thank you for your openness and honesty about your traumatic life.
    I too have deep faith in God (I have read 'The Hiding Place' Corrie Ten Boom also), and the thing that enabled her, and I guess you and I, and many, to move forwards, is forgiveness...
    Giving and receiving forgiveness....it brings healing...
    I know I couldn't give forgiveness if I hadn't received it in the first place.

    I'm just wondering how much to write about my life... :D
    You set a good example...
    I, too, think this forum is a great thing...and would love to be part of encouraging it to thrive. (That doesn't sound quite right, but my mind is tired and I can't find the right words), ha ha ha.
    It's nearly 10 pm here in England.
    Hi Sammy, I think if not for my faith, I would not have gotten through any of the things I was through in my life, and still going through. Sometimes my pain is sooo bad that I just wish it were over. But I have children, and hopefully one day grandchildren! So I plan on being here to see them, and I have to take it one second at a time some days.

    And you are right, moving forward involves forgivness. And just because we forgive doesn't mean that we have to like that person or become involved in that persons life. We just need to forgive.

    As far as how much you write about your life, only you can make that decision. ITs what you are comfortable with.

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