Hmm as I sit here staring at this blank page I wonder just how to do this without sounding like I am wining or complaining. Most of the time I keep a tight lid on the reall me. ;>) lol, but then sometimes I am not sure of who the reall me is, if that makes sense.
I'm eternally 29 years old. I have 5 beautiful children with whom I feel that my life has been greatly blessed. 4boys 1 girl.
I come from a large family, 4 brothers and 1 sister.
From a very early age I was sexually abused by my dad. This went on until I was 10years old. I did at the age of 4 try to tell my mom what was going on, but when you don't know what is happening to you, how do you convey that? Then of course I had to stand before my dad with my mom to try to convey this as well. Uhmm, not a good idea.
I was in 4th grade when I could finally get this across to my mom. She was going to leave, but didn't. While they were fighting this out, my dad "faked" an attempt to shoot himself. I say faked as he was a police officer and knew how to fire a gun.
For a long time I never understood why mom never left, but years later I would in a way understand why.
So at the end of the 4th grade I was hit by a car which broke my left hip and pelivc bone, left thigh and right calf. I was in the hospital for a few months and then sent home in a body cast. When my cast was removed I had this fear that my legs were still broke, and lived with my dad downing me and calling me lazy for not walking right away. It took me a while to get up and walk with the walker. They didn't have therapy back then.
All of my life living at home was one abusive thing after another. Once the sexual was over with it was mental physical and verbal abuse. I grew up hearing that I was not worth anything and never would amount to anything. When I started dating I would hear that I was a slut and a tramp. During my teen years I became an anorixic bulemic. At that time though not many people knew of this, and I managed to workthrough this as well.
When I graduated High school I went to a bible college in Omaha nebraska. I didnt know it at the time, or maybe I did, I was just runing from things at home. I was not prepared for college as I did not take any courses that were college realted in school, so I guess I failed at that as well.
Dating was interesting as the guys that did treat me good, I just could not relate to. I didn't feel worthy of them and didn't stay with them long (although the one guy that I could have and would have stayed with ended up drowining. We had been friends at the time, but always discussed going back togehter when we were both more grown up). Then I met my husband. Went out for a few years and eventually got into a sexual relationship, which was against my beliefs at the time. However he had questioned me once as to if my past would interfer with me if I ever got married. Of course that ate at me. And the relationship just evolved into a sexual one. Not long after that started the guy I previously mentioned drowned. I was devestated and just clung to my husband at the time. While dating I knew that my husband had a drinking problem, but did not realize the extent of it till we were married. We were always fighting and breaking up and going back togehter. Then I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Eventually we were married.
Our marriage was not a good one for a long time. I then learned why my mom didn't leave. It isn't easy to pack up and leave when you have 3 small children. And even though there are organizations out there, they werent at the time any help. I had went to people against spouse abuse but they told me that I had to be out of the house for 2 weeks before they could help me. Go figure right? I heard for many years how lousy of a wife and mother I was. I had a great big self esteem problem.
Finally he did stop drinking when I started to work. Another thing about him is that he is very jealous of anyone that I have in my life as a friend. Right now I have online friends, those he cant take away from me. He is also a tormentor. Once he knows that the kids don't like something he keeps doign it to them. And he goes through phases with this. I just hope that all the love that I give to them balances out the teasing that doesn't stop. I want to see the cycle of abuse stop.
After he stopped drinking two more children came along. When my youngest was in kindergarden I started working again. I had previously did craft shows for about 10 years. As my luck goes, I was working one night and fell, actually several times. To make a long story short on that one, I inured 8-9 discs in my back, both shoulders, left hip and right knee. I have one disc that is in contact with the cord at the T8-9 level. I also have residual things that have come about from the spinal injury. I have fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrom, raynauds phenm, and pheripheral nerve disease, and just recently recovered from mild heart failure which they seem to think is related to the back. (however try to get the workers comp drs to see this? NOT)
About a year after this we got our computer as a way for me to sell crafts online. Well once i started learning web design I was hooked on it. I applied at our local disability office for schooling, however i was physically qualified but due to my husbands retirement fund I was not qualified. Go figure that one out right?
So I am teaching myself all that I know and I have come a long way with it in two years. It has been a long two years due to medications. I was up to 9 meds a day and they were clouding my thought process greatly so I took myself off of them. Well most of them. Since the heart failure though they have increased again, but ones that are to control things in that area.
I guess what I would like to leave off with this is that we are all worth something. No one has the right to take that away from us. For some of us it takes a while to realize that we are something special and we are worth something in life. And we do at times have to fight to do what we want to do and work through the voices of the past. I have to say that my faith in God also helped me to get through a good bit of all of this.
Well that is my ramble for the day. I hope that I didn't go to far with my book to introduce myself.
Just remember. God does not creat worthless people. We are all special and worth the world.