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Thread: got a question

  1. #1

    got a question

    I'm having a hard time figuring out if several incidents were sexual abuse or just really bad bullying. The first incident happened when I was in 5th grade but I can't recall the actual events - just what happened before and afterwards. The even that I do recall was when I was in 7th grade and a group of peers pushed me to the floor, pulled down my pants and anally penatrated me with an object. The definition of sexual abuse I've been able to find says the child has to be 3 or more years older than you. These kids were the same age as me. Was it sexual abuse or bullying?

  2. #2

    got a question

    Welcome feelingconfused,

    I can't imagine that a group of kids in 7th grade would do such a thing. You were sexually abused. Did these kinds of things happen on many occasions?

  3. #3

    got a question

    Yeah. The physical stuff lasted 7 years and the terror and vanadlism lasted almost 20 years because they past it on to their younger siblings to do. They did stuff like burn a cross on my front yard, shot fire crackers off under my vehical and threw a molly (it won't let me write the word even though it's a clean word) bomb on my front porch during the 20 years (among other stuff)

  4. #4

    got a question

    What a frightening and painful childhood you have had, Feelingconfused. I hope you had adults in your life who helped you. I'm assuming that your post here about being confused around if your experiences were just bullying or sexual abuse, means that you have not talked with a therapist about these things. Try and find yourself a therapist to go over your abuse experiences with. That will take care of all of your confusion and heal the wounds of trauma.

    Here is a link that discusses the effects of community violence.

    To maybe give you some is a link on youth violence prevention.

  5. #5

    got a question

    I'm fortunate enough to have a real good therapist who told me that it was sexual abuse. Even though logically I could understand why she felt so, emotionally I can't accepted it. I was hoping to hear from several people how they felt about it to confirm or deny the reality of the situation.
    Another thing that is making it hard to accept is all of the books I've read have talked about the abuser being older and responsible. Out of the 8 books I've read there's been no mention about same age kids. It's always an older person, usually a relative or a friend of the family and results in fondling or intercourse. There's nothing written that is similar to me which is another reason why I'm having a hard time accepting it.

  6. #6

    got a question

    confused, the age and relationship of the perpetrator may make a difference in terms of the long-term effects on the victim but it doesn't alter that it was abuse and in your case assault and harrassment.

    Under the law, in most cases if no force or coercion is involved, the "5-year" rule of thumb will come into play. In your case, since it also involved assault and pjhysical restraint, even that doesn't apply.

  7. #7

    got a question

    Quote Originally Posted by feelingconfused
    I'm fortunate enough to have a real good therapist who told me that it was sexual abuse. Even though logically I could understand why she felt so, emotionally I can't accepted it. I was hoping to hear from several people how they felt about it to confirm or deny the reality of the situation.
    I definitely agree that it was abuse. I'm so sorry that you went through that.

    Why do you think you're having so much trouble accepting it emotionally? I can relate to that. There are things that have happened in my life that I just cannot call abuse and I'm not sure why.

  8. #8

    got a question

    I have no idea why I can't call it abuse. We've spent at least part of my last 4 or 5 sessions talking about what's making it hard and I'm no closer to understanding it. I just know I don't want it to be true. It's easier to think of it as it was explained to me when it was happening and that was that it was bullying and it's just part of growing up.

  9. #9

    got a question


    I think you are right that not seeing any literature or personal examples that are similar to yours, would make it more confusing. It is probably easier to accept that as a boy (if this is your gender) you were just being ganged up on and beaten/roughed up versus sexually abused. There would be less shame in being beaten. The only comparison that I can think of is the sexual assault of male prisoners by other male prisoners. Perhaps the same pathology was involved with the group who hurt you.

    Maybe this happens more often but is not reported or talked about and that may be why you don't see it in the literature.

    You did not deserve to have these terrible things happen to you. Is it possible to take legal action against your perpetrators?

    Dr Baxter, what is the 5 yr rule?

  10. #10

    got a question

    I'm not really interested in seeking legal action. I just want to stop the flashbacks and physically build myself back up to where I can run a few blocks or physically fight back if I was attacked. Right now I have problems lifting more than 70 lbs. I also want to make peace with it inside myself. All the kids have moved out of the neighborhood and the last of the physical attacks happened over 15 years ago. Making adults pay for what they did as kids (with the exception of the group leader) doesn't feel right. The group leader I wish would rot in hell but since I still live in the house next to her's I know her adult life is no picnic. She doesn't even come home during the holidays. She was involved with drugs in high school so her life is either messed up enough to be incarcerate somewhere or she's dead. Either way I don't want to let her know how bad she hurt me.
    Along with not really being interested in seeking retribution is I don't think my parents will acknowledge it. Their the ones who told me it wasn't that bad, that it was just part of growing up, etc. Confronting my parents by taking action on this would bad. I don't think I could handle them denying the severity of what happened.

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