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  1. Boyfriends and his best friend's wife

    I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 13 months. He is very good to both me and my son. My problem is unusual in that our biggest fights have been over the next door neighbors wife. He lives next door to his partner in business of 20 years. His partner is also his best friend and his partners children are his godchildren. His partner and his wife have been quite good to my boyfriend over the last 3 years that my boyfriend moved in next door to them. Having him over for dinner on a regular basis, taking in his children when he has to be out of town, etc....How wonderful is that. (They are all from out of town and have no family here)

    I was thinking in the initial stages of our relationship. They are like family to him and have been so good to him, as he has to them. I was very excited to think that I could be a part of that. Not jeolous in the least. There children are wonderful, the husband is very nice to my son and to I. So what is the problem you might ask?

    While the husband has stopped in very frequently and will invite us over for dinner over the last year, the wife has never once made any intiation. In fact, when the 2 men are out of town on business and I am over there with my son helping him out with his dogs, they have joked about how the wife would call her husband and laugh at how long I was over there and that perhaps we were getting married. The joke was that she was so nosey and her husband just thought that it was funny. Never in the last year when we have been at his house and he is not there has she called us to say make any form of trying to get to know us better.This is just one of the many things that have been to me quite strange over the last year.

    The first time that I was invited over for dinner, there are a shortage of chairs, but I was seated as was insisted upon by her, at the kids table with my back facing the adults. She did stand, but with the adults. I was told that she was trying to be polite by giving me her chair were she normally sits.
    Petty, I know, but not with the other little things that have gone on. After Easter, (yes they celebrate holidays together as well) I had some pics of his actual family and of the next door neighbors. I put together about 10 pics of she and her girls modified them to black and white on the camera and had my son deliver them walk over to give them to her. I did this for my family, and his family. THis was in August and to this day I have never even gotten a thank you or ackknowledgement from her that she had received them. They are on the refridgerator. Everyone else thanked me

    I have sent them 2 cards over the last year just saying how nice it was that they had my son and I over for dinner and welcomed us into their home. never have they mentioned this to my boyfriend or have I been thanked.

    When we were all out one evening about 2 months ago the husband went on and on about how close that he and my boyfriend were how close that their families were, how his kids were my boyfriends kids and vice versa. And than how his wife was my boyfriends wife. He had had a few drinks so I tried not to make a big deal out of it and take it too seriously.

    Than when the partners sold a big deal recently we were on our way out of town to christmas and the partner called to tell my boyfriend that they had just sold a machine and that unlike some people, he called his partner before calling his wife. My boyfriend says, i do not have a wife and he says, you called my wife. So than the new running joke is that every time that they sell a machine that my boyfriend is supposed to call his wife. My boyfriend does not do this but in the car on that day, his wife called my boyfriend and says that he is supposed to tell him something. I know petty.

    Than for christmas my boyfriend gave me a very special diamond necklace. i am not materialistic person at all. I valued this gift because it was told to me that it was significant of our relationship. it was a past present future necklace with 3 diamonds all symbolic of past present and future. I do not know that much about jewlery, and he told me that the diamonds were kindof small and that he could have gotten bigger but that he was told that the quality was better. I thought that it was sooo endearing......(We have talked on and off about marriage)

    Partners wife shows up this month after firm lands big big purchase order and she has a necklace on that is a the same make with diamonds twice as big. I would never make a big deal about something like that if not for all of these other things i have mentioned. THis same night she had called my boyfriend on his cell to see if he could go over to pick up a gift for the other partners wife that is pregnant. (again, no big deal if not for other things) ( I am trying to keep the peace and to think the best of everyone.)

    Than last week he picks up icecream for he and I and my son and decides to pick up some for them. Within 5 minutes of his picking it up for them she calls his cellphone to thank his so much for the icecream. (I never once have ever gotten a thank you from her. for the pics and other things) Even for the candle and the ornament that my son got for she and her husband at christmas. never a thank you.

    I do not have to be friends with people if they don't like me, well than so be it but....it would only be healthy in this case. Am I crazy???

    I cannot even go to the store when i am there without feeling like I have to call my boyfriend to call his neighbors to see if they need some eggs. Shouldn't I feel comfortable after a 13 months of being over there to call them myself?

    I WAS thanked by them when I first started watching his dog...The wife wanted to make sure that I knew how much that this helped her out. (He is my boyfriend, I should be helping him with his dog.) I found that thank you insulting, but never said anything.

    I have told my boyfriend about how I feel and he listens, wants to say something, but I do not feel that he should have to. Well

    Last night I blew up and drank a bit and said some horrible nasty things, just a few that I did not mean. In fact, this always comes up when we fight. I know that they are not having an affair...that I am not even worried about but if I continue with this man that I am so in love with, and is so good to me than what should I do?

    I could not even have my mother over to his house for New Years because it would have been rude of us not to go over to their home to ring in the new year since they have a 2 year old. I have a 12 year old and my mom does not even know them.

    There is more but this is getting too lengthy

    Help

  2. #2

    Boyfriends and his best friend's wife

    I don't think you're imagining things. The neighbor's wife sounds like a wierd person, possibly possessive, selfish, envious, or something. She sounds very difficult and subtly manipulative.

    However, the problem isn't her, it's the boundary between your boyfriend and this couple. Since he's now with you and it seems like a very serious relationship, my feeling (opinion) is that he needs to create firmer boundaries between him and them. Separate more from them. Depend on them less. Be less enmeshed with them. Since this woman has hurt your feelings numerous times, the boundaries with her need to be firmly in place, for you to feel like the #1 priority in your bf's life.

    I see this as similar to a mother-in-law problem. What do you think?

    nutmeg

  3. boyfriend and his best friends wife

    I do agree with you nutmeg. And to his credit, he has done this to a point. He used to eat dinner over there quite frequently. In fact when we first started dating they all had a routine of dinner at 6 and than Who Wants to Be a Millionarre before he took off.

    They very rarely do this now. But he does depend on the Partner and is wife (especially the wife) to take care of his dog when he is out of town. It is hard for me to be there regularly as a single mom with a self employed carreer. He lives about 25 minutes away from me and I try to helpout alot and have. He does not expect me to. I just do and he appreciates it. We both do nice things like that for each other. Both of us are very giving people.

    I do not see how the bounderies can change any more without my seeming like a biqch. I think that he and I need to take a break. I do not know. I love him so much but this thing is eating me up. I am fearful that I will lose him for good if I continue to go to his house because it has been going on for so long and I am the kind of person that is nice to everyone until you push me to that point. And this situation has gotten me to that point. I think that the only way that he is going to really know that he loves me is for us to take a break. I am so scared to do this or to follow through with this. I do not want to lose him. But Iknow that if we continue on like this and I do not put my foot down I will blow up again. And than I Will lose him.

    What do you think?

  4. #4

    Boyfriends and his best friend's wife

    I think the boundaries can change more. And I don't think you'd look like a b----. What you'd like to happen is reasonable and legitimate. He has this wonderful "reason" of needing their help with the dog. He's got it set up so that the enmeshment must continue. Have you guys ever considered discussing this situation in couples therapy? It would be similar to discussing in-laws (which happens frequently in couples therapy) and I think a lot could be achieved.

    bunny

  5. boyfriend and his neighbors wife

    I would be afraid to even mention couples therepy to him. We are not even married, let alone engaged. It might scare him.

    do people actually set themselves up for being emeshed? It sounded like you thought that when you said that he seems to need to have a "Reason." Can you help me better understand this?

  6. #6

    Boyfriends and his best friend's wife

    Yes, people do set themselves up to be enmeshed. For reasons we don't know (usually originating in their childhood), they set up a very deep dependency with someone and don't even know how enmeshed it is. That's why a therapist is the best person to broach this subject. With their authority and training, they have a lot of credibility. But I see that it's not the right time to bring that up with him.

    My thought is to get into therapy yourself so you can get reality checks about this situation and support/feedback on how best to deal with it. Would you be interested in doing that?

    nutmeg

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