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  1. #1

    Please help: I am desperate

    I am 29 years old, with two wonderful kids. We have fought through many things together, lived with an abusive man for way too long. I have fought hard over the years to survive as a child, finding ways to get by the violence, shame, hurt, fear that I lived with from as little as I can recall. I stood in a court room, without representation, to fight for my kids and what I believe in. I have done hours of research in regards to law, regards to my son's illness, prepared book reports for the school, his teachers, for anyone that needs to understand what HE goes through everyday of his life. I have stood up to the man that abused us for years only to be threatened and knocked down by him, but no, I got back up and fought. I won, not really won though....I stood by my children, never stopped believing that they deserved better. And I still fight for them. I stand by my ground and have never stopped in helping my son receive the medical care he deserves....and after years of battling, he is now getting this much needed care.

    I have put aside my feelings and gone several times to my parents home to help them while my mother was so ill. I helped build their recent home, didn't matter that I was just in the ER department, two days earlier, with a serious chest infection, fevers, etc, which landed me on IV's for a week after I returned home.I kept painting, hammering down floors, staying up until all hours to get finished what they needed help with. I stayed up doing house work for my mom. I tried to do all possible, I thought we were going to lose her. And as hard as it was to even be around my father, I stayed as I could not leave her when she was so ill. The entire time I was helping them, it was constant: not good enough, or "look at this mess!" Next thing I knew something was flying towards my head. The maddening part was it was usually his mistakes, I had nothing to do with it. I just got used to ducking or disappearing when he came around. I mean a piece of wood can hurt when it hits. Why I stayed, my mom. As much as I wanted to throw it right back at him....I was scared and still am.

    And now, this person that fought through all of this....she is this cowardly sick woman who acts like a little lost kid. How can I be so afraid of going to a hospital? Past experience? Maybe. I don't know but I feel ill. I mean this anxiety is making my stomach ill. And my head is throbbing, I have no idea how to calm down and look at the big picture. What am I so afraid of, who am I afraid of? My doctor said I was hiding....but from what?

    So where did this girl go anyway? I don't think I should get a hero cookie or anything....but suddenly these walls have crashed down. I can't hide the hurt anymore. Whats happening to me?? I worked so hard to build up these walls, and they have been torn down. Is it maybe that all of these hands that are reaching out to me have grabbed me so hard that I can't pull away? Does this mean that I do have something inside that wants more than this for us? And it scares the hell out of me: my walls have crashed and everyone can see me. NOOOO, I don't want everyone to know whats inside. Will everyone hate me, blame me? My happy mask isn't working, can't fool everyone any longer. This is such an uncomfortable feeling. Its like being wide open for anyone to take a shot at. What is going on, why am I losing control? Anyone...please??

    Haunting

  2. #2

    Please help: I am desperate

    Haunting, all that's happening is that you've run away and hidden away for years and you are finally taking steps toward a different way of life -- one where you actually stop, turn around, and face the fear and the hurt. That is pretty scary stuff. But the only way forward is one step at a time and one moment at a time.

    I just quoted this, my favorite quote, in another thread: "Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer." -- Albert Payson Terhune

    Being brave doesn't mean not being afraid. It means pushing on anyway.

  3. #3

    Please help: I am desperate

    Which makes sense Dr. Baxter. I have this fear of not becoming well. I mean, what if I fail? I already feel so close to the edge, I have to stop myself from ending this pain now. So much of me wants to fight, for my kids. I really, honestly hate myself. I don't know how to live with this part. How can I give my kids something when its not inside of me. I am afraid of finding the real person, I don't see how I can become what everyone wants from me. They want me to get better, they tell me I have the strength inside and that I will be happy once again. But the thing is, I have never really been happy. I have had happy moments in life, yes for sure: but have never stayed happy....and thats what scares me the most. I don't see the happiness that everyone is telling me about. I just don't get it. So does that make me a cold hearted unloving kind of person. I am not sure if I want to find out yet everyone around me is telling me that I have too. I feel really confused.

    When I think back to a child, memories of this kid hiding out, crying most of the time. I used to places that nobody knew about. I would sit there and sing, pretend that nobody could ever harm me again. And more and more is coming back. Dreams that make only some sense, yet pieces that just don't fit. I see and hear others yet can't make out faces. Yet I know these things happen but don't know who was with me. And it sucks!! I wake up with the same uncertaintly I have had but am left with more anger and resentment than I felt in the first place. And I don't get it, what the heck is going on? These things are so real, I can remember some, yet they still don't add up. So when I recall memories, they are sad. I try so hard to think of good things...and I can but they always turn so ugly. Something happens and suddenly the "happy" memory is gone. And its always him....my dad being so ugly. Many of my dreams have him in them. Often my sisters, but seldom my mother. But there is so much more to these dreams. There are others that I can't make out faces. I can hear them, touch them, fear them, yet their faces are unclear. Why?

    And continuing with life becoming an adult has been the same way. So I don't see what everyone is talking about. I try to, trust me I try so hard. I want to believe that there is more, but how can there be? This is why I am struggling with letting others help me. I don't get why they want to help me. And why get better, to keep holding on to what? And yes, I have two little ones counting on me: I don't deny this at all. But what can someone like me give them what they need? Or am I just trying to bargain my way out of this? Is it me trying to convince myself that I should not "voluntarily" go to hospital for fear of these questions may become clear? If I don't go, they will force me, and if we wait, I will die. So options....not really.

    Does this make any sense at all...or do I sound insane?

    Haunting

  4. #4

    Please help: I am desperate

    You're not insane. You're just frightened.

    Focus on your children. You know they need you. Use that knowledge as strength to draw upon as you go through this.

  5. #5

    Please help: I am desperate

    I am trying, please don't doubt that. Its so hard, and I know life it tough and all... u can hold me to that one.

    Desperation is not the place I want to be...but thats where I am.

    Haunting

  6. #6

    Strong empathy

    I relate strongly to this post! My father was a fearful, insecure man! He beat my brothers and now one is schizophrenic, and the other a very depressed man. UMMM the path to mental health takes a lot of time, but the hardest way out is forgiveness! My father molested and almost raped me and acted as if he owned me sexually! I do not mean to quote religion, so this is not intended to be preachy, but it helps! You remember the story, or if you havent of The Cross and the Switchblade (sorry dont know how to underline!) The rought tough gangster says to the preacher, "Preach, if you dont quit cramming religion down my throat (or something like that) I will cut you to pieces and kill you!"

    Preacher says, "You can, but every piece that you cut up will still love you!" The men are still best friends for over 30 years!

    My father verbally abused me every second and drove like a maniac and almost rolled the van over because I wanted to get to work on time! I had
    to put him in prison for survival! I wrote him a letter saying "I forgive you!"

    It was hard, very hard as he didnt deserve it! "That does not mean I want a relationship with you!" I am reading a book on Boundaries by E.B. Bounds and Toundsend and another I have found helpful is When I say No, I feel Guilty by David Seamends (on assertiveness training)

    But always go with what your therapist (or psychiatrist) tells you first and foremost!

    Good luck

  7. #7

    Strong empathy

    I relate strongly to this post! My father was a fearful, insecure man! He beat my brothers and now one is schizophrenic, and the other a very depressed man. UMMM the path to mental health takes a lot of time, but the hardest way out is forgiveness! My father molested and almost raped me and acted as if he owned me sexually! I do not mean to quote religion, so this is not intended to be preachy, but it helps! You remember the story, or if you havent of The Cross and the Switchblade (sorry dont know how to underline!) The rought tough gangster says to the preacher, "Preach, if you dont quit cramming religion down my throat (or something like that) I will cut you to pieces and kill you!"

    Preacher says, "You can, but every piece that you cut up will still love you!" The men are still best friends for over 30 years!

    My father verbally abused me every second and drove like a maniac and almost rolled the van over because I wanted to get to work on time! I had
    to put him in prison for survival! I wrote him a letter saying "I forgive you!"

    It was hard, very hard as he didnt deserve it! "That does not mean I want a relationship with you!" I am reading a book on Boundaries by E.B. Bounds and Toundsend and another I have found helpful is When I say No, I feel Guilty by David Seamends (on assertiveness training)

    But always go with what your therapist (or psychiatrist) tells you first and foremost!

    Good luck

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