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  1. #1

    New--Advice/Opinions Please

    Hello,

    I am new to this support group. I would like your advice and opinions on my situation. This might be long, so here I go. I am almost 38 years old, married for 16 years and have two children ages 15 and 8. I have been quite unhappy in my marriage for several years. We had our first child about a year and a half after we got married. We struggled financially, but always made it through. In that time I used to notice strange little things such as hang up phone calls from time to time, a co worker saying she didn't know he was married when I called his job and heard I was his wife and also things towards my younger sister such as he always went upstairs to kiss her and sending a bouquet of balloons for her birthday without my knowledge and the card read Love, <his name> only. Years went by and I was pregnant with my second child. Early in my pregnancy a computer came into our house. He would be on the computer all the time as I had no idea how to even turn the thing on. Anyway, in my 8th month of pregnany I started noticing things with him and the computer. I found a piece of paper with a sex website and then I lifted up the computer keyboard and found a list of girls names, with ages, comments, a phone number,etc. Well I flipped out......I lost all trust in him at that point. He swore up and down that it was stupid and it wasn't going to happen again. Well it has been over 8 years since that time and I can say that it is still happening. Last February, he started acting strange with his password again and when I demanded it I found vivid sexual pictures of people he was talking with, a Valentine card from someone saying "Oh what you do to me." and so forth. Again, he just said it was stupid. He trys to make me look like the bad guy. Since that first instance 8 years ago, I was persistent to learn the computer in which I did at that time. I realized that there was a whole world out there and feel the computer saved me. I had been consumed with only taking care of kids, him, the house, etc.
    I am trying to grow and improve myself so I can become stronger. He doesn't like it I don't think. I also started going out more with my friends and again he doesn't like this. We really have no conversation (as everything turns into an argument) and no intimacy as he is having his own problems in that area. I am just very scared right now because I don't want to hurt my children and cause problems for them, I am not ready to be on my own financially (trying to work on that) and I don't know how my parents will ever understand (they are religious).
    My best friend suggested I see a therapist, but I don't think I am ready for that yet and will feel uncomfortable.
    As of September, I found an email on his screen name but since then he was given a lap top for his job and now the main computer is clean, but I bet it is all in that laptop. I have met many people online over the years (male & female) that I talk to and he turns that around on me, making me look like the bad guy.
    I just feel I have to wait longer until my kids get a little older and until I am secure in my career/finances.
    I guess what I am trying to see from others is---Is what I am feeling legitimate? I am scared and confused and would like to hear from you.
    I am very happy I found this support group.

    Thank you very much!
    Sincerely,
    Gina

  2. #2

    New--Advice/Opinions Please

    Welcome. :)

    I think your feelings are very valid and legitimate. It sounds like you've not been happy in your relationship for a long time. I think it is good that you are taking small steps to improve things in your own life. It's hard to make big changes all at once sometimes. Seeing a therapist is not a bad idea as well.

  3. #3

    New--Advice/Opinions Please

    Your feelings of betrayal are certainly justified, hon. You say your husband is "having his own problems" with intimacy. That may be part of what's causing him to seek out sexuality on the internet. It's not an uncommon problem, really.

    I wonder, would it be possible for the two of you to see a counsellor together? You might try broaching the subject with him. There may be a chance to save your marriage and get back some of what you've lost if you're both willing to work at it.

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