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  1. #1

    End of the road...


    I’m new to this forum and I’m not really sure why I’m writing this… I believe that it reaches a point in one’s life when we need to face the facts and accept reality. For years I have tried everything to help me get better but nothing has worked, life is getting worse and all hope is disappearing fast. I have suffered from depression for a very long time (most of my life?) and have a severe case of PTSD. I have tried every single anti-depressant there is, alone and in combination with anti-psychotics, was in hospital for a few weeks over three years ago (one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had!), and have had lots of counselling including EMDR/cognitive therapy since September of last year. In addition to my severe depression, for the few years I have also been feeling completely detached from everything and everybody, neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist seem to understand the depth of this detachment which is getting increasingly worse. Every aspect of my life has crumbled and I have difficulty functioning at all, except perhaps for my professional life which I’m still managing to have under control and remains quite successful. However, the anti-depressants I’m taking are affecting my concentration and memory making it very difficult to perform well and at the level I’m used to and demand of myself so I’m not sure how much longer I can continue pretending that everything is OK and “fooling” others (I’m also peri-menopausal right now which doesn’t help at all). I get up every morning wishing I had not awaken at all, and think about the futility of continuing with this agonizing life every hour of my very dark days. All I’ve been wishing is that it would end soon, but haven’t got the courage to end it yet, what stops me is mainly the thought of causing a lot of pain to my family and there is also so much that I’d still like to accomplish professionally. But I’ve come to believe that one needs to accept when there is only one way out, when the hope of ever finding any light at the end of the tunnel is gone and when it has become clear that there is never going to be any improvement and that all there is going to be is this dark and agonizing existence. I’ve been at the bottom of this very, very dark hole for too long and all I do is to sink deeper and deeper every day. I feel safer writing about this here because of anonymity, if I were to mention this to my doctor or therapist they would probably put me back in hospital and try to talk me out of it, however I don’t think that anybody has the right to decide what’s best for me, especially when this is a conclusion I have reached after long years of trying very hard, and after a lot of thought and reflection. It’s not a decision taken out of desperation but arrived at after a lot of careful consideration.
    I don’t know if any of this has made any sense at all, I hope that whoever reads this can understand me…


  2. #2

    end of the road...

    what stops me is mainly the thought of causing a lot of pain to my family and there is also so much that I’d still like to accomplish professionally.
    These are huge things. People who love you, that is something to live for. Having goals is something to live for.

    I wish I could say I didn't understand what you're saying, but lately I've been struggling with very similar thoughts, especially this part:
    It’s not a decision taken out of desperation but arrived at after a lot of careful consideration.
    I have my plan and everything, my way out, but I can't/won't do it. I don't know why, but I think I like some parts of life. There are some good things. Life is hard, but I don't want to let go of it. I might miss something good, even if there isn't anything good right now.

    I think you do very much need to mention this to your doctor and therapist. You have people who love you and care about you, who would miss you.

    I feel for you, I really do. I wish I could make it all better.

  3. #3

    end of the road...


    You have been through a lot.

    You and Janet are right about the pain you would cause to those who love and care about you. Please talk to your therapist about how you are feeling so they can help you with this.

    Have you tried being a member of a support group for people with PTSD?

  4. #4

    end of the road...

    I think most of us here can understand your pain, at least to a degree, MR. I know I've had times when I felt there was no reason to continue, and no hope for anything better. Yet, from my current vantage point, I'm able to look back and see that there really was something better. I was just not quite able to reach it at that time in my life.

    The fact that you're peri-menopausal isn't helping matters at all. There are many, many women who have never suffered a moment's serious depression who fall into depression during this time. There are medications that will help with that part, at least; but, you have to talk to your doctor about it.

    You said you were hospitalized for a few years. How long ago was that? What, exactly, were you hospitalized for and how was it treated? Why was it the "one of the worst experiences" for you? Perhaps the things you remember aren't even part of treatment anymore. Perhaps you don't need to be hospitalized, but rather your therapy might need to be targetted differently during this time.

    I understand you've thought it out. I understand you believe your conclusions are correct. I believed the same thing when I felt as you do. However, remember your family and those who love you. Keep them in the front of your mind. They'll help you make it through this time; you'll do it because you love them.

  5. #5

    Re: end of the road...

    Wow I can certianly empathize with you, I too was hospitalized(against my will) a few years a go and it remains the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. What it does is it makes you very wary to open up to therapists because you fear being sent back if you tell them you want to end your life.

    I've also had my memory damaged from taking medication and can understand the frustration and upset that comes with that.

  6. #6

    end of the road...

    Dear MR, I don't have enough private information (nor will I ask) about what might have caused you to feel as bad as you do. Hormones are playing some nasty tricks on me as well lately (you can tell from my first post last week, when I was more hormonal than the rest of the month).

    Not knowing where your PTSD came from I can't help either, AND I am just an ordinary person trying to help all I can, not an M.D.

    However, I can beg you NOT to do anything irreversable!!!

    I often look at my Jr. Hi year book, in the back is a photo that sits alone of a very handsome young man growing into adulthood. His smile is decieving... his picture is decieving too because he committed suicide.

    <edit by Admin: potentially triggering descriptions removed>

    If this boy could have gotten through those tough times he would have lived on to do something greater in life.

    Could you? No matter what your age... could you still make a positive impact on the world and not know it yet in your cloud of deep depression?

    And you are never so right about the pain you would cause your friends and family. A person once said to me when I was once suicidal, "The last act of a selfish person is to kill themselves causing far more agony and pain to all those who loved them" I found it insulting at the time, but now I see what she meant.

    I from time to time, have thought of what my family would be like if I weren't here, THEN I panic! Are you in some way a cornor stone of someone's life? Are you a mother, an Aunt, a Grandparent, an older sister, a daughter... then your are an important part of someone's life, most of all you probably effect the life of at least one child. Your loss, to a child, would be most devastating!!!

    The horrible pain left behind will take what your are feeling right now and multiply it by 100. Is it really an answer?

    You DO care about other people. You write about it. For their sake, please!!!! Don't hurt them in such a horrible way.

    Back to you, and I am sorry for rambling what might seem meaningless to your situation; Perhaps you do need a leave of absense for personal reasons. I know you are seeing physicians and are frightened to tell them the deepness of your despair, however, maybe going into a DECENT hospital briefly would NOT be so bad.

    Again, I believe we all have an inner strength, if you are too depressed to find it, you may really need help in finding it.

    I don't have any details but I could still suggest excersize outside of work. Something you might find fun like swimming. I know when you are in the deepest despair it seems impossible to force yourself to go to a park to watch children play, or to get out and excersize, but if you could find a way.... it just might help.

    Can you think of something you dreamed of doing all your life and make plans to make it happen?

    What if you went to the Doctor tomarrow and he told you that you had cancer and only had 6 months to live. ALTHOUGH, you might think it a relief, in a normal state of mind, what would you want to do with that 6 months.... travel the country and see beautiful places? What would your dream be?

    Do it now, or find a way to open you mind up to hopes and dreams. Make plans to do something you have always wanted to do.

    I feel compelled to keep writing, to keep finding ways to make your life seem worthwhile, for a strange reason, I don't know anything about you, but I am deeply concerned and care for you.

    IF YOU CAN JUST HANG ON THROUGH THIS ROUGH TIME, you may grow from it and become a butterfly.... able to help other people.... I know you care for other people. You have that left.

    HANG IN THERE... and perhaps a good caring church member out there would be a great companion right now. Looking to God and the Bible, although not politically correct might be a GREAT solution. Call the 700 Club, you might be amazed at the therapy God can give you.


    PLEASE keep us posted, don't let a day go by that you don't post with out an explanation, because I know I will worry.

  7. #7

    end of the road...

    Quote Originally Posted by RBM
    I too was hospitalized(against my will) a few years a go and it remains the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. What it does is it makes you very wary to open up to therapists because you fear being sent back if you tell them you want to end your life.
    Was it really the worst thing? You didn't end your life and it may well be that was one of the reasons you didn't...

    I've also had my memory damaged from taking medication
    It may have been the condition rather than the medication... what medication do you think damaged your memory?

  8. #8

    end of the road...

    MR -- You indicate that you are in Canada and that you feel neither your psychiatrist nor your psychologist understand. If you don't have confidence in them, perhaps it's time to consider different therapists.

    In many areas of Canada, psychiatrists are in short supply but it shouldn't be that difficult to locate another psychologist at least...

  9. #9

    end of the road...

    Many thanks to all for your comments, they help more than you’d imagine right now… I’d very much like to respond to some of the questions, and maybe elaborate more on my few weeks at the hospital which was more than just a “bad experience” since it made matters much worse in many respects. I was actually encouraged by those who later examined my file to submit a formal complaint about the "treatment" I was subjected to but I never had the energy to do it, and now three years have gone by and the psychiatrist who treated me then has recently retired.

    Unfortunately, I don't have more time to write right now. My mom (the person I’m most afraid of hurting!) just had a heart attack and is having open heart surgery in a few days. I was fortunate this afternoon to get a ticket to fly home early Thursday but still have a 6 hour drive to the airport tomorrow and need to pack tonight. If I have the time and energy I’ll send a message while away.

    Thanks again to all for helping me feel less isolated and for just being here...


  10. #10

    end of the road...

    My thoughts will be with you and your mother over the coming weeks, MR. Her recovery will take awhile, but most post-open heart patients, once on the mend, say they haven't felt as well in quite a long time. I'm hoping it will be thus for your mother. Stay safe and keep in touch if you can.

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