Advertisement
Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20
  1. Dark feelings come with the night

    journal entry Monday, May 16, 2005

    I feel so weak as though everything amounts to nothing. As if life meant to be this great thing is nothing. It was very good that Dr.C called me back because I knew that I needed help today. I usually think I can fix things myself when I can't. After talking with her I felt like a little girl. I feel so much pain inside. I can't seem to take it. Over the past three days I have thought of death often in the darkness which overtakes me. There is no "art" to dying Ms.Sylvia Plath but it does feel "like hell" to feel as though you want to die. Like hell, like hell truly it is...I knew too well. I suffer yes and yet I live still with pain inside. At odds with myself, my thoughts, and my mind. How I want to give in and keep myself away from everything if only to heal myself. I cannot live with such self-hatred, it kills everything happy and it is slowly doing me in. Why do I always feel so alone? To think of death so longingly--such hell that feeling brings to me again and again.I am only a little girl (referring to inner child)..17 and a little girl am I. I cannot get away from the emptiness inside in the dark night. Emptiness and darkness have almost become one in the same.

    ~ Sylvia

  2. dark feelings come with the night

    Dear Sylvia,

    I read your post. You are in so much pain and darkness... that must be indeed almost unbearable.

    Apart from your longing not to feel anymore (to die), what is it that you feel you need in this situation? From others, or what you want to do yourself?

    There seems to go so much hatred towards yourself (that is a power you have), is there any way you can somehow try to direct the power into another direction? It is like all arrows go towards you and you seem to choke. Ofcourse you choke then.

    If you could pick one arrow, in what way would you like to turn it around, what direction would it go to....? To whom... or to what...?

    I know it is a difficult question but I have to ask him cause this seems unbearable. Noone deserves this Sylvia.


    Suzette

  3. #3

    dark feelings come with the night

    Very well put, Suzette...

  4. dark feelings come with the night

    @David: thank you...

    @Sylvia:

    I honestly hope you will post again. Keep talking, no matter what you want to say... just keep posting. Whether you feel angry, numb, extremely down, a bit better, it does not matter. If you think I am stupid or asking you weird or difficult questions, then please say so. I don't fall from my chair from that, I just need to know what is on your mind. This also counts for others, I am sure!

    I hope to hear from you.

    Love,

    Suzette

  5. dark feelings come with the night

    How old are you? If I knew, perhaps I could help.
    SusieQ

  6. dark feelings come with the night

    did you pick the name sylvia plath because of the writer?
    i think that she's a great author, and i just wanted to commend you on such a great name choice, too bad more of us can't be as creative as you are
    i also just wanted to say that no matter what, please don't end up like her, you seem like a great person, n that would just be a shame

  7. dark feelings come with the night

    I want to thank you all for replying.

    Suzette what you said is right although not entirely easy to answer. I will do my best though.I wrote that passage in my Journal because my threshold for the emotional pain had broken.one thing I need is to build up a better support system. Right now the only one who is part of that is my psychologist. subconsciously I have undertaken the goal of trying to make people understand me. Of course this is impossible for those who haven't experienced depression.I need human connection as much as I deny myself that. other people see potential in me but I am blind to that which doesn't help.

    I would like to redirect my self-hatred into something positive. Although I must say it is easier said than done. I'm trying to get the bottom of that I really am. I feel really depressed and suicidal I can't focus on anything else. otherwise things just seem gray.I'm not quite sure yet where I would redirect my focus because first I need to figure out how to redirect it.

    one thing I can't figure out is;why do I feel so guilty for asking for help? I feel like I'm a nuisance to everyone! My family my psychologist and everyone here.I feel so mixed up I can't help myself.

    for the record I am 17 years old.

    ithappens- the origin of the name is such. I am inspired by her poetry. Intrigued by her life and death. I wrote a paper on her and learned much about her life. It was very twisted and complex. She was surely talented. I really wish that I could have met her because she is quite fascinating apart from her death. Although I am suicidal with hope I won't end up like Sylvia Plath. She gave in as I often want to but can't. Lady Lazarus...

    ~ Sylvia

  8. dark feelings come with the night

    Sylvia :)

    When I saw you wrote again I made a small jump in my chair! I was feeling insecure towards you because I was afraid I had come across as a bit judgemental, which I did not meant at all. But apparently this was not the case :)

    You write: "subconsciously I have undertaken the goal of trying to make people understand me."

    Now that is a HUGE step. Congratulations... That is what you have achieved perhaps because you felt completely broken, down and numb.

    "other people see potential in me but I am blind to that which doesn't help."

    Well, that is perfectly normal when you feel so down. When one feels so down, one feels worthless, a nuisance. It would be strange actually when you would have not have those thoughts. It belongs to your situation.

    "I would like to redirect my self-hatred into something positive. Although I must say it is easier said than done. I'm trying to get the bottom of that I really am. I feel really depressed and suicidal I can't focus on anything else. otherwise things just seem gray.I'm not quite sure yet where I would redirect my focus because first I need to figure out how to redirect it."

    The fact that you are open to it is already an achievement. Also done by yourself, and yourself only...

    You know, right now I think of a speed skater. When you ask a speed skater who is used to skate in circles to the left from his childhood on, from now on to only skate in circles to the right, he would feel the same. The only thing he is good at is making circles to the left. The right he has no clue about. He is completely not familiar with it... yet...

    So far from me this moment, since I have to go to sleep (oops, 5 a.m. here...). But I wanted to post before that, since I am happy you are writing again!

    I will write you again Sylvia!

    A big hug from


    Suzette

  9. dark feelings come with the night

    I don't think it's unusual for people to feel guilty, or a nuisance, when asking for help. I think it's probably pretty common to feel that way. We feel like we're encroaching on other people's time and energies when we should be able to handle things for ourselves.

    For me, I found the answer by turning things around. If someone else asked me for help, how did it make me feel? Why, rather good, actually. I was flattered that another would consider me so worthy. I was also really glad to be able to do something for someone else. When I looked at it that way, I realized that asking for help is, in a way, giving a gift. It's allowing someone else to be an integral part of your life. That's an honor, dear, not a burden. :o)

  10. dark feelings come with the night

    @ThatLady: yes I agree. But for me, did not look at it myself that way until someone really told me to turn it around!

    @Sylvia: I read that your therapist is away for three weeks. That would scare me very much too. Especially when she seems the only link to be able to express yourself in a way that works for you. Otherwise you would not be missing her/him that much. So you are capable of expressing yourself somehow and also experience help. That is a good thing.

    I know Sylvia, that I asked you a very difficult question before. It's just like it seems as if somewhere in your past you decided unconsciously not to express annoyance or irritation towards people. Perhaps it was not even taught to you, perhaps your parents told/taught you not to.

    So, when you are angry with someone (who isn't for some reason at a time?) it seems to go back to yourself. Somehow you tell yourself to shut up although I think you are not aware of it.

    It is like telling a tree not to let his leaves drop at fall. If the tree would listen imagine what he would feel like after five years: piled up with things it actually wanted to drop.

    Can you relate to this? Would it apply to you?

    Furtheron I am so curious what you think you need yourself to even try to make you feel a little bit better. What is the first thing that comes to mind thinking about it...? That is important. Your desires, your view on it, what you want.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. long dark hours
    By Sylvia in forum Sleep, Dreams, Insomnia
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: May 15th, 2005, 02:53 PM
  2. I don't know where to put all these feelings.
    By Auburn in forum Surviving Abuse or Dysfunctional Families
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: May 13th, 2005, 03:32 AM
  3. Climbing out of the dark
    By David Baxter in forum Depression, Dysthymia, Seasonal Affective Disorder
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: June 27th, 2004, 03:56 PM

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •