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  1. My brother doesn't want to know

    Hi,

    I am very, very, very angry. Apart from the fact that I feel like I have arguments with most the people around me, I saw my brother today and his behavior makes me so utterly angry.

    We have been living in the same apartment building for about 15 years now. Actually he lives three floors above me.

    I was in a mental hospital during that time for about 20 months. Before that I had fear of going out on the street, doing shoppings etc. He passed my door many times a day but never ever offered to do anything. It was like he did not feel I actually existed. It was very painful. He could look at me with a face like: do I know you...?

    When I left the mental hospital back in '95 he went through a bad time. He broke down and considered to go to a mental hospital too. I was with him at that time, trying to support him since I love or loved him. It was extremely difficult since he sucked all my energy out. I could sit next to him at the table when he felt horrific and I could feel I was about to faint. But I could not leave him like that.

    When he was hospitalized he had the assignment to work on his 'bloodsucker-behavior'. His sucking-energy-attention behavior. They noticed that instantly.

    A few months ago I decided to keep him out of my life as much as I could. I had to in order to protect myself. In all my vulnerability in the past years of trying to survive he repeatedly yelled at me, screaming at me that I needed therapy. It was traumatizing for me. It was not what I needed, it was what he wanted for me.

    He is my brother but the feeling that he is so is hard to find. Especially since he does not want to talk about the things I just wrote. He says: "I am not responsible for what you feel or have felt, so f*ck you".

    Today I bumped into him, outside. He had this look on his face "who are you anyway". Now this freaks me out!

    It is not that I don't understand his attitude. It is just like I cannot bear anything anymore from him. This is it. He shoves his sh*t back on my plate and then pointing: geez, what a mess.

    I had to put him on a distance.

    I cannot tell what it feels like to have a brother like this. When I give in a little bit, he starts to take and take.

    And today that look on his face. Who would really understand what has happened between us??? Who would really understand that I don't deserve this??? Not many, since he seems such a nice guy. Well, his heart is good, but his behavior lethal. Just like my dad.

    Why do I always act strong to get what I deserve? Why cannot I just be myself and being respected for that?? Right now I just feel like: f*ck the rest. I do not feel valued.

  2. #2

    My brother doesn't want to know

    It is just like I cannot bear anything anymore from him. This is it. He shoves his sh*t back on my plate and then pointing: geez, what a mess.

    I had to put him on a distance.
    He can't dump it on you if you don't allow it. Distancing is likely the best thing for you. His issues are his issues -- leave them with him.

    Sometimes merely being related by blood isn't enough. Perhaps by this time you don't owe him anything...

  3. My brother doesn't want to know

    Hi David,

    Thank you for your reply.

    He can't dump it on you if you don't allow it.
    You are right, but it took me years to become that strong to draw a line.

    Perhaps by this time you don't owe him anything...
    I never looked at it that way. If I did not have to protect myself I still would do things for him.

    Makes me wonder how far I let people and situations hurt me without noticing it or standing up to it. This is a weak point of me, definitely.


    Suzette

  4. My brother doesn't want to know

    David, what you wrote is such an eye opener for me. "You don't owe him anything anymore".

    You know what? This applies to way more people than just my brother. Perhaps it even applies to all the people I meet or am in touch with.

    I should have a t-shirt with "I don't owe you anything" on it. I long to feel that so much. I think I never realized how much I gave all the time. I keep giving and giving.

  5. #5

    My brother doesn't want to know

    I would say a great many of my clients struggle with the same issue, Suzette, and criticize themselves for not giving more at the same time as they resent the people they feel they must be giving to... it's a vicious circle.

    Stepping out of that loop is important.

    I am responsible for my actions and my feelings. That other person is responsible for his feelings (and his actions).

    That prinicple isn't a justification for insensitivity, egocentricity, or psychopathy. It's merely a statement that if someone chooses to be angry with you or to resent you for not doing or giving more, there's really little you can do about it. Taking responsibility for your own actions and your own feelings frees you to self-actualize by casting away burdens that were never really yours to begin with.

  6. My brother doesn't want to know

    I understand David.

    Things get so much out of hand when you get a feeling of guilt towards other people. It is rediculous.

    Fighting my way back to be just the way I am is my full time job.

    The feeling of "I don't owe you anything" is something I keep thinking of. With my family it is difficult to act accordingly, see the other post I wrote down.

  7. #7

    My brother doesn't want to know

    I just replied to your other post, Suzette.

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