Hello, I just joined the forum yesterday, and I said I'd be posting in this section to talk about my irrational fear that's been plaguing me for so many years.

I sometimes (lately very often) am gripped by the irrational fear of losing people that are close to me: for example I have a fear that if I think certain thoughts, something "bad" may happen to them, or even to myself. I have a strong fear of people I love dying. My husband has been travelling around the world for work alot lately, and I sometimes get bouts of this fear during the times I know he is on a plane. This used to happen to me also with members of my family whenever I knew they were flying somewhere.

The most bizzarre part of this irrational fear is that I sometimes hear a little thought-voice in my head that says something like "Die Die" or something absurd like that, and then I panic and immediately start telling myself "no that's not true, don't be silly, you don't want that to happen, you love so-and-so" and I really sometimes manage to work myself into quite a state.

I suffer from finger-picking which I have learned is a form of OCD - I am managing to keep it under control lately so that's good, but I also have a shaking-my-leg nervous habit (I'm doing it right now in fact!) and although I am not overweight, I compulsively eat sometimes even after I've eaten dinner or lunch, etc when I am not hungry at all.

I've done some self-therapy which I call "backtracking". This is where I have a notebook and when I feel a fear, I write it down and start working my way backwards, starting by writing what triggered that particular bout of fear, then asking what triggered that, and what triggered that, and back tracking all the way until I find a root or original cause.

This has been very helpful to me because I've been able to un-earth some interetsting notions and information within myself (memories, etc) which have shed lots of light on my problem, but my fear still persists nonetheless.

Both my parents died at a very young age - my mom from cancer at 6, and my dad from a car accident 11 months later when I was 7. I have always been aware that this is the obvious reason for alot of my anxieties and fears, and through my backtracking I have un-covered even more, but the fear is still there, plaguing me incessantly. Sometimes I go through periods where I'm fine, I feel good, no fear, I'm calm and happy and relaxed, then for whatever reason something triggers something in me and I'm back on the fear train again.

I'm not really sure how anyone can help here - I guess I feel so much better just openly saying these things, because although I have talked many times about my parent's death and other issues with people, the thought-voice in my head saying "Die Die" part of it I have never told anyone before. So I'm glad to release that here. Maybe someone else here suffers from something similar, and maybe we can talk about it? I don't know. I just feel really happy that I found this forum and that I can finally let out my "deep dark secret". It really has been a source of such unhappiness for years and years. So thanks Dr. Baxter for this forum - I really and sincerely mean that :0)

emb88