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  1. #1

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    I am anorexic. I have been since I was eleven. I started skipping breakfast and dinner, then I would only get a breadstick at school lunches... And eventually I stopped eating completely, save for water and maybe a few pretzels or crackers. Once I hit 8th grade, it was just half a brownie every other day at lunch. Then I stopped eating everything.

    When I was thirteen, I was five three(the same height I am now) and ninety pounds. My mother found the cuts on my arm and sent me to a mental institution. Turned out I like it there, I was very comfortable. Save for the meals... if I didn't eat anything, they would have sent me to a clinic and put a feeding tube down my throat. I ate toast for breakfast, and a salad for lunch and dinner for a week there.

    For a year afterward, my parents monitored my eating habits. I gained thirty pounds, and I had never felt more disgusting in my whole life. Now that my parents don't pay attention to what I eat, I can go back to water fasting. I started a fast three days ago.
    I love the feeling of an empty stomach, and I love watching the pounds and fat drip off of me. It makes me feel cleaner, more attractive. Worth something.
    But on the other hand, I hate knowing what I'm doing to myself. I hate knowing that I'm destroying my body, possibly shortening my life. Putting my loved ones in hopeless pain.
    But I can't stop, I don't want to stop. I'm afraid of getting hideous... well, more so than now..
    If I don't want to get better, how am I ever supposed to stop disappointing my family and becoming healthy?
    Does anyone else here struggle with this problem?

  2. #2

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    If I don't want to get better, how am I ever supposed to stop disappointing my family and becoming healthy?
    Helping you to learn how to want to stop is part of what a competent therapist with experience in treating eating disorders can do for you.

  3. #3

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    I hope that she helps. I'm giving my last one another shot, as I said in another post.

  4. #4

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    No "shot" at therapy should ever be your last, Shan, just as no "shot" at life should ever be your last.

    Even if this attempt doesn't work, that isn't evidence that therapy doesn't work. It's only evidence that you haven't yet (a) found the right therapist for you, or (b) reached the point in life where you are truly ready and able to make the necessary changes.

  5. #5

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    Well, I'm definitely going to try to stick it out this time. I like my last therapist, her name is Carol. She's a very sweet woman, and she knew that I love art, so when she found out, she brought in some clay for me to work with while we talk. Nice way to get me relaxed, I suppose. :) I have a lot, and I mean a lot, of other things that I need to talk about.

    Especially since this is something I'm not sure I want to get over, anorexia will not be one of the first things we talk about.
    I'm actually really scared now to go back to therapy. I was the one who asked to go back, and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared witless.

  6. #6

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shan
    I'm actually really scared now to go back to therapy. I was the one who asked to go back, and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared witless.
    That's fairly normal, Shan. You go to a therapist when you know something needs to change. But at the same time change is scary...

  7. #7

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    Yeah... but living like this is scary, too. I already know that I've got social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, agoraphobia(which I've almost completely beat, so this okay), anorexia, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

    ...o___o

    But I've been having new symptoms of something. Carol will help me figure it out, I guess, but at the moment it seems like either BPD or BD. Or just me being looney.
    I blow up at my friends and family, sometimes completely cutting off the relationship, and then all of the sudden I go back to them like nothing has happened... I can be in a normal to happy mood, and then all of the sudden having an anxiety or panic attack, or sobbing hysterically...
    I always think that my friends hate me... I think my boyfriend is only with me out of guilt, because he knows how much I care about him, and doesn't want to feel responsible for hurting someone. (He has mild paranoid schizophrenia, when we freak out at the same time, it's quite interesting. o__o)
    Sometimes I'm completely oblivious to how other people feel, or I want them to "stop complaining and help me." I feel alone, even though I have two amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend.
    I always feel empty, like nothing is real, or like I'm not here... I'm not good enough for anyone else.
    Things hurt my head, like patterns, metal, or fluorescent lighting... I'm not sure where this fits in. When I say hurt my head, I mean make everything chaotic, and go to fast, or look like a pop-up book.
    Sometimes certain objects catch and hold my attention, and they look fake, or the wrong size.
    Sometimes everything goes too fast, and my mind races to try to catch up, but it doesn't work.
    And then there's the hideous thing I see in the mirror, but that's my anorexia, I think.
    Sorry for rambling, especially in the wrong section of the boards. I'm sorry.

  8. #8

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shan
    Yeah... but living like this is scary, too.
    Yes, exactly. Even though the idea of therapy can be scary, one usually is ready to go anyway when it gets to a point where it is less scary than continuing to live "this way", whatever that is.

  9. #9

    Your own power

    Hi Shan! I understand what you mean by a love-hate relationship. It's really difficult to make changes, especially when you feel like you've accomplished something by gaining control over your food intake and your weight. The problem is, as you gain this kind of control you become more and more out of control. Kind of a paradox I guess. I'm so sorry that this happened to you at such a young age. How old are you now? Obviously you want help, and that's the first step to overcoming the side of you that doesn't want to get better. One thing that helped me during my recovery process, is to think about how powerful my mind actually is. Just think about it. You've been able to starve yourself for long periods of time without giving in to your natural cravings - a very dark power. Therefore there's no reason why you can't put that power you have in a different direction - to get well and nurture yourself. You totally have the ability to do this. I understand the feelings of pleasure from having an empty stomach and not completely wanting to get better - I still have these feelings. But, I've also rediscovered the joy of having some physical strength and of replenishing my body with food. And you must ask yourself how much you really want to limit your options. For example, I'm not sure if I'll be able to have children with my fiance when the time comes that we want to. It's possible that I can, and if I can't it might not have anything to do with my past anorexia, but it also might. Anyway, keep looking for and accepting help - your doctor, this forum, whatever. I wish you the best of luck and I'd really like to hear from you again.

  10. #10

    Anorexic- the love-hate relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Diana
    One thing that helped me during my recovery process, is to think about how powerful my mind actually is. Just think about it. You've been able to starve yourself for long periods of time without giving in to your natural cravings - a very dark power. Therefore there's no reason why you can't put that power you have in a different direction - to get well and nurture yourself. You totally have the ability to do this.
    That is an amazingly powerful concept, Diana... I must admit that never occurred to me but I think I'll swipe it for future clients.

    Thank you for this insight!

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