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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Washington DC
    Age
    32
    Posts
    21

    Regretting going into therapy

    Hey all - Jan here.

    I am fairly new to therapy - have only been in it one year. I see a counselor at the college I attend. It took me so long to open up to Karen. But I eventually started to show her my true self and feelings. I gained a trust in this woman that I had never had with anyone before in my whole life. It was amazing to finally have someone there that actually understood and did not judge! Wow!

    So the year went on and she helped my a great deal, even got me to stop cutting. I got on great meds, and started to feel good again. When I first started telling her about my self injury, she told me that she would "not take that away from me". I was absolutely stunned that a therapist would actually not repremand me for cutting. It was what I desperately needed to hear. I began to look foward to session each week.

    buuuuut that happiness did not last. I began to realize that I had really strong feelings for her, number one. And number 2, she told me that she was leaving the school. She was just an intern, and therfore just had a job there for one year.

    Its like my school's counseling center brings them in, gets crazy people like me genuinely attached, then seperates us. It is ridiculous, and has done me much harm. So she told me about her leaving, July 30th to be exact, and I began immediately dreading that date. (even started to cut again) The truth was that I was beginning to need her. Need her every week, even more. She gets me through the week. It is something constant that I can depend on and look foward to. I knew that it was not only the therapy that I needed, but her as well! I NEED KAREN!

    So the year has progressed, and in that time my feelings have defenitely not gone away. I got up the courage to tell her how I felt, and eventually told her that I loved her. She is not a moron, and knew it already. We have been talking about it ever since, trying to help me understand them and all of that therapy BS.

    I have so many fantasies about her. Sexual and non sexual. Some are that I just wish and crave a hug. Or that she would tell me about her life. I want her to love me and hold me and tell me it is all going to get better. I want to be friends with her. It does not help whatsoever that she is the most BEAUTIFUL woman I have ever seen! I want her to talk to me outside of session. I want her to care for me. I want to throw her down and make passionate love on the little therapy couch. I want her to open up to me and go out with me. But I realize that these are fantasies that will never ever come true. Her boundaries are soooooo ridiculously strict. She wont even touch me. I dont know a goddamn thing about the woman. I have built her up so much in my head that she is now 'super human'.

    I recently wrote her a love letter. Saying much of the things above. I have beggged her for weeks now not to leave - crying and pleading her. I have looked up some of her information online. (Becomming a stalker) Not a second goes by where she is not on my mind. The butterflies are always there, she haunts me - she rules my life. I would do ANYTHING for her. even die for her. These feelings are SO not normal. And the woman is leaving me in 2 months! She has said that once our sessions are terminated then she will not talk to me anymore. No letters, no email, no visits. Karen E is going to DIE TO ME on july 30th.

    i am beginning to think it was all a mistake going in there, even though she did help me stop cutting. I feel I am worse now than I was beforehand. There is so much love and rage toward her. How could she possibly leave me alone? What is so wrong about being there for me later on in case I have a crisis? Dont some therapists keep in contact with patients? Dont some therapists hug their patients? Did I just get unlucky here? Ugg I dont know what to do, want to die, and time is rapidly creeping closer to the day she will vanish from my life. She warned me that hospitalization might be an option if I couldnt deal with her loss. If Karen cared for me at all, she would be there for me after July 30. Nothing drastic; not a friendship or romantic relationship. Just somehting as simple as leetting me call her or email her if I am sitting there about to end it all. Is that too much to ask!?

    Thank you, thank you SO much for reading.

  2. regretting going into therapy!

    What you're undergoing is called transference, hon, and it's not an uncommon phenomenon in the therapist/patient relationship. It's really hard on the patient to feel these emotions, and it isn't easy on the therapist, either. Yet, it happens a lot.

    You need to be looking for another therapist. Perhaps, Karen can help you to find someone to take over for her when she moves on with her life. That's what's happening, you know. Karen is getting on with her life, as you must get on with yours. She has done what she can do to help you. Now, you must take the things she's helped you to learn and prove to yourself what can be done with them. In that way, you will honor the relationship you built with this woman, and the wonderful things she's helped you to learn.

    In any professional relationship, when emotions run too hot it's time to call it a day. In the therapist/patient relationship, because the danger of transference is so high, when it happens the best thing the therapist can do is to recommend the patient to another therapist. That's the professional thing to do, the kind thing to do, and the right thing to do. It shows the therapist DOES care for the patient.

    Good luck to you, hon. I know you're hurting, but try to understand what has happened. Be thankful to Karen for all she's given you and wish her a happy, productive life. Then, go out and work on finding one for yourself. :o)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Washington DC
    Age
    32
    Posts
    21

    regretting going into therapy!

    hey thanks for the comment. I really REALLY appreciate it.

    I have indeed read about transferance. I read 'In Session' by Deborah Lott which talks all about it. I have defenitely recognized it as such. Unfortunately that relevation, although comforting to know that it is common and I am not alone, does not help my strong feelings go away. I get stuck on people, and I know that two years from now I am still going to be wishing for my karen. Still be obsessing over her, and still getting the butterflies. It has happened before with another person.

    Do you not think that her boundaries are too strict? I have heard of other therapists hugging and not cutting off contact etc...

    Maybe I should look for a therapist that does not have these hardcore boundaries in the future, do you think that would be wise for me?

    Sometimes I just feel so damn hopeless. Like life is not worth living at all. Maybe my medications are failing to work or something.

  4. regretting going into therapy!

    Actually, most therapists try to avoid excessive physical contact with their patients precisely because of the danger of transference. The boundaries are there to protect the therapist/patient relationship.

    What's probably best for you is to approach your problem of getting "stuck on people" with your next therapist. It can't be pleasant for you to suffer so when those you become close to move on with their lives. It happens to all of us, at one time or another. While it's never easy, it should not become disabling.

    Try not to look at this as being abandoned, hon. That's not what it is, at all. Karen is behaving as any good professional should behave. She's given you the help that she could give you. I know she wishes you well. You must do the same for her. Show her how much she has helped you by looking at the future as a time of learning and growing, not of obsessing over that which you feel is lost. It is not lost. The gains you have made will go with you.

  5. regretting going into therapy!

    Hello Jan,

    It is quite understandable that one gets special feelings for a therapist. Like you already wrote:

    "I gained a trust in this woman that I had never had with anyone before in my whole life. It was amazing to finally have someone there that actually understood and did not judge!"

    You are not the only one who has special feelings for a therapist. Lots of people have that.

    However, you seem to forget that she is your therapist and there to help you. And that you needed therapy because things were not going well in your life. You seem to forget your own problems and in fact, ask her to solve them by staying with you.

    It is like you have seen a vegetable garden and you want to own that. Your own vegetable garden does not grow whatsoever. The thing is that a therapist helps you to make things grow in your own garden. You will have to do it yourself!!

    Therapy means also being able to look at your own behavior and benefit from that but somehow you have lost that will to do so! Look, this is what you wrote:

    "[...] trying to help me understand them and all of that therapy BS."

    If the BS stands for bull sh** (I am not sure though!) then this means you don't value therapy anymore, but just the woman Karen.

    It is hard that she leaves. It is always hard when a therapist you feel good with, leaves. It really is. In your case however, it seems like you want to die. That is not normal.

    She is not the solution to all your problems although it feels like it.

    She is not...!

    You are the one who needs further help in dealing with this situation and dealing with everything that is still not going well. Focussing on her won't make you feel better in the end.

    Get yourself together and acknowledge that she might have triggered with her leaving perhaps a deep issue you have, with women.

    Instead of asking how to get her as a friend, ask help of how to cope with this. What does it mean to you to lose an important person? Can you deal with it anyway...?

    Now those questions and reflections will bring you further. Don't turn out to be a stalker, that is trying to manipulate a situation YOU cannot handle.

    I hope you will post again with questions regarding yourself!


    Suzette

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Washington DC
    Age
    32
    Posts
    21

    regretting going into therapy!

    Thanks Suzette. I am going to try really hard to get myself together. It is hard because she is always on my mind and I am infatuated with her. Every little thing reminds me of her. I have this feeling that because she is leaving me and cutting off all contact, she really doesn't care about anything we have accomplished this year or me as a person. Deep down I know this is not true. I know it has nothing to do with me at all.

    I am not going to stop therapy. She is going to reccomend another one for me.

    But for some reason I see visions of myself 3 years from now still crying over my love. I also see visions of myself with a gun at my head about to pull the trigger and thinking...If only I could talk to Karen now. It depresses me further that if anything DID happen to me she would never even know.

    How can I know if she really cares about me, anyway? Maybe she doesnt care, and she is only getting paid to care! I feel like I would know she genuinely cared for me if she were to keep in contact with me after termination. I think that is one of the reasons I want it so bad.

    I am a stalker. I actually paid money to get some of her information online. Like birthday/address/etc. How absolutely messed up is that? The guilt I feel is overwhelming. Not to mention I have a partner who I am suppose to be in love with.

    I am getting desperate. There have been way too many losses in my life, and I am simply not prepared to deal with another.

  7. #7

    regretting going into therapy!

    How can I know if she really cares about me, anyway? Maybe she doesnt care, and she is only getting paid to care! I feel like I would know she genuinely cared for me if she were to keep in contact with me after termination.
    There is a big difference between caring for a person as a human being, or as a human being who is also a client, and caring in the way that you mean.

  8. regretting going into therapy!

    Hi Jan,

    Although it is very difficult to keep listening when you are in a situation like this, you do seem to pick up things here. Now that is what I am very happy with, because then you can keep correcting yourself. That is really a good thing :)

    ThatLady already told you valuable things a.o. about the fact that Karen has to act professional.

    You wrote such a good thing at the end of your last post. You wrote:

    "There have been way too many losses in my life, and I am simply not prepared to deal with another."

    Who would....? I guess the hole in your heart becomes bigger and bigger so the attempts to put a person there who actually will stay and cover more or less the losses, will be more. That is so human Jan...

    Yet like you also agreed, you have to keep your brains a bit together to see what is the best thing for you to do. And you seem to be willing to do that, you deserve respect for that.

    You wrote: "But for some reason I see visions of myself 3 years from now still crying over my love. I also see visions of myself with a gun at my head about to pull the trigger and thinking...If only I could talk to Karen now. It depresses me further that if anything DID happen to me she would never even know."

    Now this is a very good way to start with your new therapist. He or she will know about your previous sessions and will also know how hard it is and was for you to let go of Karen. Perhaps Karen stands also for all the losses you had before in your life (unconsciously). Then she gets also really big.

    Again I quote you:

    "There have been way too many losses in my life, and I am simply not prepared to deal with another."

    Grant yourself the help trying to deal with it. I truly hope you will experience that, after all, it is for the better this way.


    Suzette

    p.s. a flower for you

    http://www.iblossom.com/images/pouflargebright.jpg

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Washington DC
    Age
    32
    Posts
    21

    regretting going into therapy!

    wow you are a great person, suzettte.

    I have done alot of thinking and writing within the past couple days (much more so than usual) and have pretty much accepted that I can cry, mope, complain, and beg as much as I want but it is not going to change anything. I wish it would, but it wont. I am not ok, but at least I have gotten it through my thick head that threatening karen and making her feel bad for leaving wont do a freaking thing.

    I am not saying I am better at all. Not saying it wont be harder than hell to see the most brilliant and beautiful woman go. But at least I am accepting that I can not do anything about that. I think I am accepting that...I am trying really really hard.

    So. At the moment I have decided that my next step is to get karen to help me to find another therapist. Then I am planning to wish her well in her future. I have written some positive things down that I am planning to say to her.

    Then lastly I am going to ask one favor of her, which I think that if she agrees to do will help me cope with her loss so much better. I am going to ask that she simply not forget me, perhaps think of me every once and a while.

    (I wrote this earlier)
    karen, know this:
    Every single day of your life there will be a crazy girl out there that thinking about you. Loving the memory of you. Some crazy girl out there thinks you are the most perfect and stunningly beautiful woman to ever walk the Earth. A girl who's dreams and fantasies are all linked to you. A girl who you have saved.
    The millions of tears of despair I have shed will have to turn into tears of happiness, for I am not able to trick myself into hating you. There is no rage, no anger and no hate. All thats in my heart is a longing so strong and a love so deep.

    Do you think it is too much to ask of her to grant me this one wish? To get her assurance that she wont forget me?

    *hopes to god you wont say its a bad idea*

    love to u!
    jan

    oh ps ( this is my plan for now. I am sure after we meet wednesday, I will be back to square one and feeling hopeless once agian. I will most likely feel I cant go on, just like I felt when i first posted. Thats what she does to me. Reminds me just how much I love and want her. But for now, at least, I am feeling a BIT better.)

  10. regretting going into therapy!

    Hi Jan,

    You come across as you can keep your brains together. The feelings are strong so you need that. I am glad you can write and that that helps you!

    "I think I am accepting that...I am trying really really hard."

    Take your time... this is very, very difficult. And your new therapist will help you too.

    What you want to tell Karen is straight from your heart. Yes, I think you can ask her that you hope so much she will not forget you. Leave the assurance up to her how she wants that, just tell your wish.

    It is so sweet that you want to wish her the best for the future.

    If you feel like you want to stalk again, then please don't Jan. You can post here or write down what your feelings are but trying to force someone into a situation she does not want, that is not fair.

    I don't expect you to feel better soon. No, that would not be realistic. Trying to cope is difficult enough now.

    I sure hope that you will manage to get through these coming weeks.

    Love,

    Suzette

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