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  1. #1
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    Insecure about the future

    Hi all,

    Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.

    Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.

    Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.

    Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.

    I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.

    And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.

    I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.

    I just feel so afraid.

  2. #2
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    Insecure about the future

    Hi all,

    Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.

    Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.

    Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.

    Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.

    I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.

    And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.

    I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.

    I just feel so afraid.

  3. #3
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    Insecure about the future

    Unless you pose an active danger of harm to yourself or to another person, it is unlikely that anyone will want to put you in a hospital, Suzette. There are simply too few beds available to occupy them with patients who don't need to b e there and who can be treated as outpatients.

    I realize a lot of people worry about this. In the vast majority of cases, it is an unnecessary worry.

  4. #4
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    Insecure about the future

    Unless you pose an active danger of harm to yourself or to another person, it is unlikely that anyone will want to put you in a hospital, Suzette. There are simply too few beds available to occupy them with patients who don't need to b e there and who can be treated as outpatients.

    I realize a lot of people worry about this. In the vast majority of cases, it is an unnecessary worry.

  5. #5
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    Insecure about the future

    Thank you David. It is just that I know it is still severe what I am dealing with. Sometimes it hits me straight in the face.

    Just writing down that I blocked my emotions for a number of years while in those years it was all rush and hard work to keep going. I did not feel like I could afford to slow down. It was like living three lives at once.

    Noone can tell me what to expect. Perhaps it are also memories from the time before I was hospitalized back in 1993. I had also had therapy sessions for years already back then before it became clear very suddenly I was seriously ill. It started innocent but became a nightmare. I might be mixing that up, I don't know.

    I wish I could feel proud that I dare to take the step again to see a counsellor/therapist. But all I could feel this morning was: "then what the hell did I do all those years??" Like I had lost everything I achieved.

  6. #6
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    Insecure about the future

    Thank you David. It is just that I know it is still severe what I am dealing with. Sometimes it hits me straight in the face.

    Just writing down that I blocked my emotions for a number of years while in those years it was all rush and hard work to keep going. I did not feel like I could afford to slow down. It was like living three lives at once.

    Noone can tell me what to expect. Perhaps it are also memories from the time before I was hospitalized back in 1993. I had also had therapy sessions for years already back then before it became clear very suddenly I was seriously ill. It started innocent but became a nightmare. I might be mixing that up, I don't know.

    I wish I could feel proud that I dare to take the step again to see a counsellor/therapist. But all I could feel this morning was: "then what the hell did I do all those years??" Like I had lost everything I achieved.

  7. #7
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    Insecure about the future

    It's a journey. Nothing is really lost. It's all taking you somewhere...

  8. #8
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    Insecure about the future

    It's a journey. Nothing is really lost. It's all taking you somewhere...

  9. #9
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    Insecure about the future

    As long as I don't lose my dog, I have to go on that journey.

    First let's see how I respond to getting an appointment.

    Thank you David, for your feedback.


    Suzette

  10. #10
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    Insecure about the future

    As long as I don't lose my dog, I have to go on that journey.

    First let's see how I respond to getting an appointment.

    Thank you David, for your feedback.


    Suzette

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