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Thread: Dependancy

  1. Dependancy

    Well, here goes my first post.
    I'd like to open up with a grateful "thank you", Mr. Baxter, for putting up a both constructive, and interesting, board such as this; along with personal research, I have actually found numerous answers to my current problem. I hope I can make this understandable.

    I am the middle-born of 3 children to a single mother, and am the only male in the family. At the age of two, our father passed away in an accident. In any case, our mother being naturally independent (and notably strong-willed), has pulled through and even runs her own business as a naturopathic therapist. She is natively Japanese, and was the youngest in her family.

    Often times she would get irritable in the way the three of us kids were; telling us we were too lucky, dependant, and oblivious to the rough times associated with maturity. Even now, my older (sister, 21) holds a job, but only because our mother had almost held her hand through the whole process; sending her to an expensive cooking school, and helping heavily on the externship applications.

    I am 18 years old, graduated from highschool, and have yet to hold a job. I don't get out often, and because of this, have very little friends. Highschool itself seems like an uneventful dream, having had absolutely no dating experience (even when numerous girls had been openly eyeing me). In short, I still feel like that 14-year freshman; only my thoughts on the future succumb to apathy.

    I have thought long and hard, through some sleepless nights, on why we (my siblings and myself) were like this. Where other teens would pop the rebellious cork, we seemed to insist on staying bottled up.

    To learn more of this, I had done an excersize mentioned in the post, "A relationship with Mum"; I write a letter to my parent, not to send, but to reflect on.
    During the writing session I felt that the root of the problems were a severe lack on spontaneity; our mother had to know everything we did, and tried hard to involve herself in as many activities with us as she could. It was like she had no trust with the world and us. To support this statement, she would often tell us as to how bad her childhood was, being the youngest and underprivelaged (in a rich, large family), and that the world was out to get us (especially Americans). On top of this, she still has deep connections with her mother, who calls every night.

    Since age 15, unlike my sisters, I have been trying to do a lot of things without telling her, since it kills my pride as my own self. Somehow, in some way, she finds a way to apply the brakes, and I end up blaming myself for being a coward, and backing down. I can't even remember that last time I've yelled back in an arguement; she would be the one saying her part, while my only rebuttle was a simple "...yeah.", or "...ok."

    One of my favorite activities is martial arts/combat sports, and have recently tried to sign up for a membership in a gym not too far from here to alleviate some stress, and give me a hobby. After I had called the place to get my free lesson before pay, she somehow found out (as all asian mothers do) and flipped on how bad my current health is, and how I'm not "straight". Yes, I recovered from a severe case of Mononucliosis, so I still have some symptoms of chronic fatigue. But to her, it means I might spend all of my money on what could end up as a legal dispute (from a previous school I used to train, long story). Or kill myself. "Everything you do comes to me", she would repeat. In short, my every unanticipated move threatened her.

    The only activity she would approve of is my going to college; but these feelings of restrant have hung over badly enough to make learning difficult. 3 weeks ago I had to dropped my summer classes. I'm very close to getting my AA, but right now, I really don't care.

    It's difficult to talk to her about it. She's very intelligible, but is relentless in her being in the right, and I believe I have had that trait as well. When it comes to giving my sisters or I some slack, she feels even more stressed, and feels as if its actually adding work loads on her already cluttered desk. To tell you the truth, I'm the biggest pain out of the three of us, and I would assume it to be the best interest in letting me go or kicking me out.

    On top of this I think we're good enough kids as it is. No drugs, alchohol, bad friends, over spending, violence, bad grades, the list goes on. In fact we have family meals, homecooked, 3 times a day, with us kids helping. None of us have ever been overweight. What more can she ask for?

    How should I approach her on this, without darkening her day (as it usually does)? I'm not planning on moving out, only, for once, I want to get hurt. Dirty. Beat up. Later, I would just stand up and keep walking. She understands this, but still insists that I'm just being immature.

    Even sadder is how my current occupation has been swallowed by the internet, this whole half-month. I need to get out.

    Thanks a ton for any replies.

  2. Dependancy

    Well, here goes my first post.
    I'd like to open up with a grateful "thank you", Mr. Baxter, for putting up a both constructive, and interesting, board such as this; along with personal research, I have actually found numerous answers to my current problem. I hope I can make this understandable.

    I am the middle-born of 3 children to a single mother, and am the only male in the family. At the age of two, our father passed away in an accident. In any case, our mother being naturally independent (and notably strong-willed), has pulled through and even runs her own business as a naturopathic therapist. She is natively Japanese, and was the youngest in her family.

    Often times she would get irritable in the way the three of us kids were; telling us we were too lucky, dependant, and oblivious to the rough times associated with maturity. Even now, my older (sister, 21) holds a job, but only because our mother had almost held her hand through the whole process; sending her to an expensive cooking school, and helping heavily on the externship applications.

    I am 18 years old, graduated from highschool, and have yet to hold a job. I don't get out often, and because of this, have very little friends. Highschool itself seems like an uneventful dream, having had absolutely no dating experience (even when numerous girls had been openly eyeing me). In short, I still feel like that 14-year freshman; only my thoughts on the future succumb to apathy.

    I have thought long and hard, through some sleepless nights, on why we (my siblings and myself) were like this. Where other teens would pop the rebellious cork, we seemed to insist on staying bottled up.

    To learn more of this, I had done an excersize mentioned in the post, "A relationship with Mum"; I write a letter to my parent, not to send, but to reflect on.
    During the writing session I felt that the root of the problems were a severe lack on spontaneity; our mother had to know everything we did, and tried hard to involve herself in as many activities with us as she could. It was like she had no trust with the world and us. To support this statement, she would often tell us as to how bad her childhood was, being the youngest and underprivelaged (in a rich, large family), and that the world was out to get us (especially Americans). On top of this, she still has deep connections with her mother, who calls every night.

    Since age 15, unlike my sisters, I have been trying to do a lot of things without telling her, since it kills my pride as my own self. Somehow, in some way, she finds a way to apply the brakes, and I end up blaming myself for being a coward, and backing down. I can't even remember that last time I've yelled back in an arguement; she would be the one saying her part, while my only rebuttle was a simple "...yeah.", or "...ok."

    One of my favorite activities is martial arts/combat sports, and have recently tried to sign up for a membership in a gym not too far from here to alleviate some stress, and give me a hobby. After I had called the place to get my free lesson before pay, she somehow found out (as all asian mothers do) and flipped on how bad my current health is, and how I'm not "straight". Yes, I recovered from a severe case of Mononucliosis, so I still have some symptoms of chronic fatigue. But to her, it means I might spend all of my money on what could end up as a legal dispute (from a previous school I used to train, long story). Or kill myself. "Everything you do comes to me", she would repeat. In short, my every unanticipated move threatened her.

    The only activity she would approve of is my going to college; but these feelings of restrant have hung over badly enough to make learning difficult. 3 weeks ago I had to dropped my summer classes. I'm very close to getting my AA, but right now, I really don't care.

    It's difficult to talk to her about it. She's very intelligible, but is relentless in her being in the right, and I believe I have had that trait as well. When it comes to giving my sisters or I some slack, she feels even more stressed, and feels as if its actually adding work loads on her already cluttered desk. To tell you the truth, I'm the biggest pain out of the three of us, and I would assume it to be the best interest in letting me go or kicking me out.

    On top of this I think we're good enough kids as it is. No drugs, alchohol, bad friends, over spending, violence, bad grades, the list goes on. In fact we have family meals, homecooked, 3 times a day, with us kids helping. None of us have ever been overweight. What more can she ask for?

    How should I approach her on this, without darkening her day (as it usually does)? I'm not planning on moving out, only, for once, I want to get hurt. Dirty. Beat up. Later, I would just stand up and keep walking. She understands this, but still insists that I'm just being immature.

    Even sadder is how my current occupation has been swallowed by the internet, this whole half-month. I need to get out.

    Thanks a ton for any replies.

  3. #3

    Dependancy

    It seems that your mother used/uses a rather controlling and rigid parenting style. I suspect this was becausew she looked at having to raise and support her children alone and felt that was the only way she could keep everyone safe. But of course that backfired... it always does.

    When a parent sets out to control a child and make all important decisions for the child, one of the messages conveyed to the child is "You need me to do this for you because you aren't wise enough or strong enough to do it for yourself... you can't be trusted to do the right thing or make the ridght choices". I have seen many well-meaning parents doing this... unaware of the messages they are transmitting.

    I suspect that's part of the reason you and your siblings seem to lack "motivation" or "ambition" or "initiative" or "independence" -- you've heard all of your life that you need your mother to do that for you.

  4. #4

    Dependancy

    It seems that your mother used/uses a rather controlling and rigid parenting style. I suspect this was becausew she looked at having to raise and support her children alone and felt that was the only way she could keep everyone safe. But of course that backfired... it always does.

    When a parent sets out to control a child and make all important decisions for the child, one of the messages conveyed to the child is "You need me to do this for you because you aren't wise enough or strong enough to do it for yourself... you can't be trusted to do the right thing or make the ridght choices". I have seen many well-meaning parents doing this... unaware of the messages they are transmitting.

    I suspect that's part of the reason you and your siblings seem to lack "motivation" or "ambition" or "initiative" or "independence" -- you've heard all of your life that you need your mother to do that for you.

  5. Dependancy

    Many thanks on the pointers. I was feeling ambivalent toward her being either strict, or just too caring, as similar as they are.

    Another issue that perplexes me is how she is around the general public; very kind, that is, but almost to submission.
    We had this handyman come in to fix out leaking faucet, in an inaccessible area that I didn't know of (since I have a natural sense for mechanics). This involved breaking an area behind a wall, since the design did not include a removable panel. He was a bit odd, since prior to the job, he left a few dirty marks on the surrounding area. After the worker went about smashing the wall, she really, really wanted him out.

    She didn't say anything. Instead, she called our neighbor (another Japanese) Stanley to reason with him, since he is a former engineer. The worker didn't leave, since he wasn't actually told that his services were no longer wanted. Now, after calling the worker's aunt and uncle (I kid you not) was he coaxed to go, since his job was done (though I had to finish the actual knob work).

    Throughout the following week this odd character would stick to the back of her mind. At least once day I was asked why I didn't protect her. It really ate me up.
    To be frank, I can't think of a way to make her more "brave". I'm not sure about Japan today, but here in the U.S., there really is no taboo to be afraid of.

    I've been thinking of some options, lately. I'm open to more.

    1. Let things continue as they are, until I can sum up enough money to move out. I know that I will employ myself as soon as I get my food handler's license.
    2. "Punk out," or so to speak. Continue to do things as I like, as long as they don't hurt my family, my house, or myself. Be my own person. She should get the message eventually, being and adult and all.
    3. Talk to one of her peers. I'm fairly familiar with a lot of her therapy clients. They're neat people; particularly the one that lets me rent imported movies. If anyone, she won't bite their heads off.

    Too passive? I sure hope not. Option number 3 seems more easing, since the person who lets me rent stuff is also a fellow therapist. She doesn't have children, though. I'm sorry to say that I've been ignoring my mother a lot, this week...but, as you know, everyone needs their space.

  6. Dependancy

    Many thanks on the pointers. I was feeling ambivalent toward her being either strict, or just too caring, as similar as they are.

    Another issue that perplexes me is how she is around the general public; very kind, that is, but almost to submission.
    We had this handyman come in to fix out leaking faucet, in an inaccessible area that I didn't know of (since I have a natural sense for mechanics). This involved breaking an area behind a wall, since the design did not include a removable panel. He was a bit odd, since prior to the job, he left a few dirty marks on the surrounding area. After the worker went about smashing the wall, she really, really wanted him out.

    She didn't say anything. Instead, she called our neighbor (another Japanese) Stanley to reason with him, since he is a former engineer. The worker didn't leave, since he wasn't actually told that his services were no longer wanted. Now, after calling the worker's aunt and uncle (I kid you not) was he coaxed to go, since his job was done (though I had to finish the actual knob work).

    Throughout the following week this odd character would stick to the back of her mind. At least once day I was asked why I didn't protect her. It really ate me up.
    To be frank, I can't think of a way to make her more "brave". I'm not sure about Japan today, but here in the U.S., there really is no taboo to be afraid of.

    I've been thinking of some options, lately. I'm open to more.

    1. Let things continue as they are, until I can sum up enough money to move out. I know that I will employ myself as soon as I get my food handler's license.
    2. "Punk out," or so to speak. Continue to do things as I like, as long as they don't hurt my family, my house, or myself. Be my own person. She should get the message eventually, being and adult and all.
    3. Talk to one of her peers. I'm fairly familiar with a lot of her therapy clients. They're neat people; particularly the one that lets me rent imported movies. If anyone, she won't bite their heads off.

    Too passive? I sure hope not. Option number 3 seems more easing, since the person who lets me rent stuff is also a fellow therapist. She doesn't have children, though. I'm sorry to say that I've been ignoring my mother a lot, this week...but, as you know, everyone needs their space.

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