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  1. #1

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Im a student and my mum is in quite bad debt, ive been helping her out partially for a while now, expect we don't get on at all, and to be honest she is contributing to my self worth. Ive been thinking of moving out for a while now and have mentioned it to her; and her reponse being she doesnt want to know because she disagrees with it because i can't handle life yet. Ive told her again this year and shes sort of accepted it. This morning shes just told me i need to "keep us afloat" for another two years. To be honest i wouldnt mind if i was stronger and wasnt getting worse at the momment. Ive been getting suicidal and been self harming more in the past week, before i was told this. I dont know if i should be feeling trapped or not, or whether it is right for me to be upset or not. I have no idea.i don't know what i should be feeling, thinking or doing at this momment. I don't know what to tell her or to tell myself. Im just loosing my focus here.

  2. #2

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Im a student and my mum is in quite bad debt, ive been helping her out partially for a while now, expect we don't get on at all, and to be honest she is contributing to my self worth. Ive been thinking of moving out for a while now and have mentioned it to her; and her reponse being she doesnt want to know because she disagrees with it because i can't handle life yet. Ive told her again this year and shes sort of accepted it. This morning shes just told me i need to "keep us afloat" for another two years. To be honest i wouldnt mind if i was stronger and wasnt getting worse at the momment. Ive been getting suicidal and been self harming more in the past week, before i was told this. I dont know if i should be feeling trapped or not, or whether it is right for me to be upset or not. I have no idea.i don't know what i should be feeling, thinking or doing at this momment. I don't know what to tell her or to tell myself. Im just loosing my focus here.

  3. #3

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Cin, I really think you should try to find a counselor locally to help you to set boundaries with your mother. From what you have described here and elsewhere, I get the sense that your mother wants to continue to make you feel dependent on her and when that doesn't seem to be working reverses it to convince you that she is dependent on you -- either way, she is having trouble letting go and letting you move on in your life in any independent way.

    It's hard to say how much of what she tells you about her situation or needs are true but it's probably incorrect to say that there aren't other resources for her to draw upon (that's part of the reason for finding a local counselor who can advise you of where your mother can find help if she is in financial difficulty, etc.). And regardless of that issue, there is the issue of your emotional health -- as your mother, she should not be asking you to risk your psychological well-being in this way.

  4. #4

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Cin, I really think you should try to find a counselor locally to help you to set boundaries with your mother. From what you have described here and elsewhere, I get the sense that your mother wants to continue to make you feel dependent on her and when that doesn't seem to be working reverses it to convince you that she is dependent on you -- either way, she is having trouble letting go and letting you move on in your life in any independent way.

    It's hard to say how much of what she tells you about her situation or needs are true but it's probably incorrect to say that there aren't other resources for her to draw upon (that's part of the reason for finding a local counselor who can advise you of where your mother can find help if she is in financial difficulty, etc.). And regardless of that issue, there is the issue of your emotional health -- as your mother, she should not be asking you to risk your psychological well-being in this way.

  5. Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    is not right of your mother to be dragging it down in such a way. it is important to notice your self-worth as an individual. It is okay to feel confused...clear your mind and give yourself time to think things over. Writing out your feelings might help. You could possibly write a letter to your mother telling her how you feel but you don't have to give it to her. Just let out your feelings and emotions in a constructive way be it angry or sad. takeout your negative failings out on an inanimate object instead of taking it out on yourself through cutting. I know that's a hard thing to do but it's worth a try! Try giving yourself some other kind of release to calm you down before you resort to hurting yourself. is that right now you need the support of others instead of feeling responsible for your mother's responsibility. the best way for for you to get help is to see a counselor. a counselor can help you to deal with the issues you have with your mother as well as your suicidal feelings and self injury. Doing this will take courage and may be difficult at first but I can tell you that it is truly worth it! I sense that you are a very strong person and I admire that . seek out help and with time your quality of life will improve. I wish you the best of luck with everything...hang in there you can make it!

    ~ Sylvia

  6. Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    is not right of your mother to be dragging it down in such a way. it is important to notice your self-worth as an individual. It is okay to feel confused...clear your mind and give yourself time to think things over. Writing out your feelings might help. You could possibly write a letter to your mother telling her how you feel but you don't have to give it to her. Just let out your feelings and emotions in a constructive way be it angry or sad. takeout your negative failings out on an inanimate object instead of taking it out on yourself through cutting. I know that's a hard thing to do but it's worth a try! Try giving yourself some other kind of release to calm you down before you resort to hurting yourself. is that right now you need the support of others instead of feeling responsible for your mother's responsibility. the best way for for you to get help is to see a counselor. a counselor can help you to deal with the issues you have with your mother as well as your suicidal feelings and self injury. Doing this will take courage and may be difficult at first but I can tell you that it is truly worth it! I sense that you are a very strong person and I admire that . seek out help and with time your quality of life will improve. I wish you the best of luck with everything...hang in there you can make it!

    ~ Sylvia

  7. #7

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Thank you both for your replies....I spoke to her last nightand tried to explain myself the best i could to her. She said to me that the reason why she didnt want to know the last time i told her was because i would be leaving her in a "mess" and "when" i come back she would obviously not be happy, because i left her struggling. I did ask. what makes me think i would come back or fall apart, and she just replieed "i just know".
    David - The thing is she already has gone through everybody else before comming to me; friends, (family are not very willing for some reason or cant), (banks she is stuck wth and cannot take money out. she has attempted to rearrange her payments - this doesnt seem to be working). So i seem to be left. She acknoleges my illness, but only as far as it being a word! :-) Iam actually too scared to explain to her (or try to) that im getting worse and living at home is not helping, because i have no idea what the consequences of that are.
    I have also suggested to her this morning in passing about me moving out and living on our student loans the goverment give me per yr. Because it would rise if i was living out. And i could give my pay to her. Shes told me to work it out with a calculator before i come bringing anything to her.

    Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers. Its just confusing when i want to help, but feel i can't, then told i can, but want to move out.
    I apologise for my previous post i was in a bit of a muddle : s

    Thanks again for your replies, i really really appreciate you taking your time to read this and advise me.

  8. #8

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Thank you both for your replies....I spoke to her last nightand tried to explain myself the best i could to her. She said to me that the reason why she didnt want to know the last time i told her was because i would be leaving her in a "mess" and "when" i come back she would obviously not be happy, because i left her struggling. I did ask. what makes me think i would come back or fall apart, and she just replieed "i just know".
    David - The thing is she already has gone through everybody else before comming to me; friends, (family are not very willing for some reason or cant), (banks she is stuck wth and cannot take money out. she has attempted to rearrange her payments - this doesnt seem to be working). So i seem to be left. She acknoleges my illness, but only as far as it being a word! :-) Iam actually too scared to explain to her (or try to) that im getting worse and living at home is not helping, because i have no idea what the consequences of that are.
    I have also suggested to her this morning in passing about me moving out and living on our student loans the goverment give me per yr. Because it would rise if i was living out. And i could give my pay to her. Shes told me to work it out with a calculator before i come bringing anything to her.

    Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers. Its just confusing when i want to help, but feel i can't, then told i can, but want to move out.
    I apologise for my previous post i was in a bit of a muddle : s

    Thanks again for your replies, i really really appreciate you taking your time to read this and advise me.

  9. #9

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers.
    That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

    I think that needs to be your starting point: Move out and then figure out what you are able to do to help your mom and what she can do to help yourself. It seems that she is starting from the other end, with the assumption that you sinply can't move out. It also sounds as though in her reply to you about "work[ing] it out with a calculator before [you] come bringing anything to her" she is again placing the responsibility on your shloulders while at the same time reserving for herself the right to make decisions for you -- that's not right, in my opinion. Ultimately, what we are talking about here is YOUR decision about where to live and HER problem about how to figure out her finances.

  10. #10

    Don't know what to do (TRIG)

    Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers.
    That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

    I think that needs to be your starting point: Move out and then figure out what you are able to do to help your mom and what she can do to help yourself. It seems that she is starting from the other end, with the assumption that you sinply can't move out. It also sounds as though in her reply to you about "work[ing] it out with a calculator before [you] come bringing anything to her" she is again placing the responsibility on your shloulders while at the same time reserving for herself the right to make decisions for you -- that's not right, in my opinion. Ultimately, what we are talking about here is YOUR decision about where to live and HER problem about how to figure out her finances.

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