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Thread: New Guy

  1. New Guy

    Hi to you all,
    It is a pleasure to find a forum like this one. The idea that people get together like this to help one another with their emotional troubles is one good reason to have an internet.
    On with the introduction...
    I'm 44, from Arizona and had the kind of childhood that Dickens would refuse to write about. I have never allowed anything in my past to effect my present and have raised two well-adjusted daughters. (Although the real credit for that goes to my wife of 22 years.)
    I find, as I grow older, that it's harder to leave my past where it belongs, in the past. Depression takes hold and I think about little else for a week or so until I can push it aside again.
    Can you suggest for me a new strategy for re-alignment? Intellectualizing through these 'episodes' is getting tougher for me and I worry that I will get 'stuck' in a funk too deep to recover from.
    I am not the least bit dangerous to anyone around me, but when I get this way, I am easily angered. I don't like being that way, and I wish I had grown up like Wally and Beaver, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it, somehow.
    I appreciate your time and indulgence in this effort.

  2. New Guy

    I was pretty vague about the whole Dickens thing, and I suppose this is as good a place to let loose and tell everything as any, being so annonomous. (sp)

    My parents divorced before I was born, but after a New Years party, had to re-marry. It did not last long and the first of 7 stepfathers came into the picture.

    My two older sisters were basically left alone by him, but for some reason, he felt it necessary to lavish his attention on 4-year-old me. I remember a time when sisters were getting ready for school, and as wew were finishing brushing our teeth, I dripped water on the basin-top by hanging my still-wet toothbrush in the holder. He beat me severely for having done so. The next morning, he beat me for drying the toothbrush before hanging it back up to avoid drippage. The following morning, I was beaten for not brushing my teeth at all in my 4-year-old effort to avoid a beating.

    <edit by Admin: graphic details of abuse or violence can be triggering to other members - please review the forum rules>

    Many step-fathers later, we were living with one of my Mother's boyfriends, I was 11 and they apparently needed money. I don't know the specifics of how a deal was struck, but I ended up being sold to a 30-something couple for 1200 dollars. When the inevitable sexual abuse started in this couple's apartment...

    <edit by Admin: graphic details of abuse or violence can be triggering to other members - please review the forum rules>

    If there is some advise you can give me, I would appreciate it.
    Junior

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    At home, most of the time.
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    New Guy

    That is a really sad story. It is amazing that you were able to overcome that an live up until now a fairly well adjusted life. Nobody should have to endure that kind of treatment. This is definitely a good place to go for some information and share with your fellow peers. I would encourage you perhaps to seek out a professional in order to share all your deepest issues and help yourself learn to not be so haunted by your past. The more ways you go after the problem, the better off you'll be.

  4. New Guy

    Thank you , SteveL. Having read a number of the stories on this forum, I agree that there are a large number of people with advise to share. And while I would dearly like to seek an in-person session with someone in the proper field, sadly, I can't do that as my carreer would not allow it. There are still some segments of society where even the thought of mental health issues is not something that can be tolerated.
    I know this whole thing sounds absurd and dramatic, but there it is. This is the truth and the whole truth.
    Having dealt with this my whole life, I have learned to cope, maybe through inattention, and up to now, it has worked for me. The problem is, that now, many years past the coping phase, the awful early years are somehow inculcating themselves back into my life. I don't understand why and I would like to go back to my prior state of ignorant bliss.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    At home, most of the time.
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    New Guy

    Basically from what I know, you can repress memories for a while, but they will find sneaky ways to work themselves back into you concience, therefore one must deal with them head on and not try to hide that it has happened. If you saw a counsellor, they would be bound to confidentiality and you wouldn't have to tell anyone. Also, there must be laws preventing someone from being dismissed for such a thing.

  6. New Guy

    SteveL,
    Actually having the job is one aspect, having the job without official trust is another. Think of it in terms of the military. You will not be discharged from the military for emotional distress, but you will lose your security clearance, essentially dis-allowing you to perform your work. You get pushed off to one side and are given duties that could include washing dishes. You haven't been fired, but you don't have your job, either.
    While I have no problem with people who wash dishes for a living, it's just not what I do.
    If it is possible to achieve some level of relief with this anonymous forum, I will be, indeed grateful, but in the real world, there are repercussions and little official tolerance.
    I appreciate your concern, and I in no way wish to pass aside your clearly useful suggestion, I just can't do that at this time.
    Thank you,
    Junior

  7. #7
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    At home, most of the time.
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    New Guy

    Understood, I had a feeling that you may have been in the military. While they have made some progress in this area regarding mental health issues, they are still far lagging behind other segments when it comes to dealing with this problem. I too have to keep my mental issues under wraps.

    I personally view this as a shame because if servicemen(women) were able to discuss their problems as they arise before they get out of hand, without the fear of stigma and career stagnation, we would avoid many problems that you see arise in the armed forces.

    The resulting culture of secrecy forces people to keep their mouths shut, thus causing people to wait until they either have a breakdown or go completely off the deep end and do something regrettable. A person who is actively seeking help for a problem is much less of a risk than someone who is timebomb waiting to explode.

  8. New Guy

    First, let me apologise for the graphic nature of my posts. It was thoughtless of me not to take into account the nature of violence, even years past. It can create conflict in a person simply by coming into passing contact with it, but simply saying, "I had bad things happen in my past" does not convey the awful things that I deal with. What I wrote was a taste of my experiences as a kid and to skim over them in explaination is akin to calling a forest fire nothing more than a mishap with matches.
    I was driving here just a few minutes ago and saw a little boy staring at the trees going by from the back seat of the rusting family car. My throat tightened at the look on the boy's face.Was he, like me, concentrating on the ten percent of life that has no pain or fear for him? Was he carrying secrets that he will carry for the rest of his life? I sincerely hope not, but in my experience, yes, he probably was.
    I wish, sometimes that I could travel back in time and meet myself as that kid in the back seat. I would tell me that however bad it seems right now, it will get better. I would give him a phone number to call and a few words of advise that he may be able to use to deal with whoever was driving the rusty family car. But that's not going to happen, what happened, not just to me, but to countless other little people throughout history will continue. The defencless will continue to be overwhelmed by those they are supposed to be able to trust. Some will live through it, some will not. All that we as "survivors' as you call them can do is to make certain it does not happen to our own children. We will tell our children of the horrors that humans are capable of, and raise them not to be that way.
    ...
    SteveL,
    Thankfully, I am not a ticking timebomb waiting to go off, but I do wish for some comfort when the images of my past rise up to haunt me. Images that children all over the world are experiencing right now. Images that will haunt them, if they live through it.
    It is a shame that some segments of society refuse to acknowledge that the pain is real pain when someone hurts, if only in their memories.
    Junior

  9. #9

    New Guy

    maybe there is another way of dealing with your past. pushing it into the past can only work so far. i've seen many times, how people who've been through traumatic experiences find positive ways of dealing with it. a little over twenty years ago, a little boy was missing. his family searched, the news was alerted, everyone was looking for him. he was found dead, had been raped, murdered, dismembered and buried. his father was so shook by the experience, he reacted in the way he knew how...started a campaign for missing children. he then got involved with america's most wanted tv show. he took a very painful situation and used it to help others.
    maybe you can't do it publicly, but maybe there are other ways you can help anonymously (sp?)...man, that is a weird word to spell. it might help you release or process the past.
    Mari

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    At home, most of the time.
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    New Guy

    I'm sorry Junior, if I gave the impression that I thought that you were a time bomb, I was really using the most extreme example of why I think the military should be more accomodating to those who need help. I certainly did not imply that that was your case.

    I would imagine that what you are dealing with some sort of PTS issue, especially with the brutal abuse you experienced. There are a few forums in here I think you'd find useful, such as the "survivors" forum and the PTSD one. Also, perhaps if you find a book in the library or bookstore dealing with the issue of adult survivors of child abuse, you would find it helpful.

    Oh, and also, welcome to the boards.

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