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  1. #1

    Parental Alienation Syndrome

    Advice on how to cope/deal with an ex that is clearly guilty of PASing? dh's ex has done everything in her power to alienate the children (both pre-teens) from their father. Her new dh has also played a big role in this as well.

    They continously interfere with exchanges, visitation, phone calls, delete dh's voice mails, refuse to give the children any gifts we send or letters, force the children to refer to the stepdad as "Dad", inform the children we are not their "REAL" family....the list goes on and on. The children have even claimed physical abuse - the CAS has been involved. Even before things got this out of hand we offered to pay for all therapy expensives if all parents would agree to come together for co-parenting counselling. That offer was flatly refused.

    They have both badmouthed dh in front of the children and badmouthed him directly to the children (to the point of labelling him an abusive deadbeat dad who obviously doesn't love them....), sent us harrassing emails, letters, voice mails.... We have documented it all, kept the letters, emails, etc but our legal counsel states we have to continue to build our case as we do not have enough hard evidence to proceed to the courts for intervention at this time.

    We have refused to respond to their antics and ignore them. Dh only communicates via mail and only about matters pertaining to the separation agreement and to the children's health/wellbeing. Dh now videotapes exchanges - at least with it caught on video that would be the leverage we need to file harrassment charges (and contempt of court charges against the bm).. We considered supervised exchanges but it would make for shorter weekends with the children and not something we want. But all these legal actions aside what matters to us is how her actions affect dh, me and most of all the children. And sure, we could fight for custody but knowing the family court system I don't see that as a favorable option.

    It both saddens and angers us - emotions are running high. We feel slighted and of course we hurt over seeing 2 innocent children being abused in this manner. Each time the children visit we have family meetings where we try to keep things upbeat but let the children speak of whatever it is bothering them. We refrain from badmouthing their mother and stepfather but give them advice on how to deal with their feelings. But there is only so much we can do. The eldest is in psychological counselling but the therapist seems to only want to address his anger issues and how he reacts to being treated poorly instead of trying to fix the cause of the issue. The "cart before the horse" IMHO.

    So any advice? How can dh and I deal with our own emotions over this? And how can we further assist the kids ? I try to keep focused on the family. We stay active and involved. I also take care of myself with exercise, yoga, mediation, etc. But sometimes there is no shutting out or coping with the affects of their antics. Dh keeps it all inside and refuses to give it much thought though it is clear it is eating him up inside. The children are so depressed. They tell us the "gory details", ask us why their mother and stepdad have to act that way, tell us they are hurting, etc and still we all know we cannot change those 2 people's actions. We just keep telling them that we love them and care about them. We do have a very good relationship with the children even though PASing is taking place.

    FYI, I am a divorced mother myself and I have a very good relationship with my ex. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a mother can treat her children so poorly regardless of how she may feel about her ex. Dh has always abided by the court order, is a very involved parent and is the farthest thing from a deadbeat, abusive man. I would love an answer to the whys.....

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2

    Parental Alienation Syndrome

    Advice on how to cope/deal with an ex that is clearly guilty of PASing? dh's ex has done everything in her power to alienate the children (both pre-teens) from their father. Her new dh has also played a big role in this as well.

    They continously interfere with exchanges, visitation, phone calls, delete dh's voice mails, refuse to give the children any gifts we send or letters, force the children to refer to the stepdad as "Dad", inform the children we are not their "REAL" family....the list goes on and on. The children have even claimed physical abuse - the CAS has been involved. Even before things got this out of hand we offered to pay for all therapy expensives if all parents would agree to come together for co-parenting counselling. That offer was flatly refused.

    They have both badmouthed dh in front of the children and badmouthed him directly to the children (to the point of labelling him an abusive deadbeat dad who obviously doesn't love them....), sent us harrassing emails, letters, voice mails.... We have documented it all, kept the letters, emails, etc but our legal counsel states we have to continue to build our case as we do not have enough hard evidence to proceed to the courts for intervention at this time.

    We have refused to respond to their antics and ignore them. Dh only communicates via mail and only about matters pertaining to the separation agreement and to the children's health/wellbeing. Dh now videotapes exchanges - at least with it caught on video that would be the leverage we need to file harrassment charges (and contempt of court charges against the bm).. We considered supervised exchanges but it would make for shorter weekends with the children and not something we want. But all these legal actions aside what matters to us is how her actions affect dh, me and most of all the children. And sure, we could fight for custody but knowing the family court system I don't see that as a favorable option.

    It both saddens and angers us - emotions are running high. We feel slighted and of course we hurt over seeing 2 innocent children being abused in this manner. Each time the children visit we have family meetings where we try to keep things upbeat but let the children speak of whatever it is bothering them. We refrain from badmouthing their mother and stepfather but give them advice on how to deal with their feelings. But there is only so much we can do. The eldest is in psychological counselling but the therapist seems to only want to address his anger issues and how he reacts to being treated poorly instead of trying to fix the cause of the issue. The "cart before the horse" IMHO.

    So any advice? How can dh and I deal with our own emotions over this? And how can we further assist the kids ? I try to keep focused on the family. We stay active and involved. I also take care of myself with exercise, yoga, mediation, etc. But sometimes there is no shutting out or coping with the affects of their antics. Dh keeps it all inside and refuses to give it much thought though it is clear it is eating him up inside. The children are so depressed. They tell us the "gory details", ask us why their mother and stepdad have to act that way, tell us they are hurting, etc and still we all know we cannot change those 2 people's actions. We just keep telling them that we love them and care about them. We do have a very good relationship with the children even though PASing is taking place.

    FYI, I am a divorced mother myself and I have a very good relationship with my ex. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a mother can treat her children so poorly regardless of how she may feel about her ex. Dh has always abided by the court order, is a very involved parent and is the farthest thing from a deadbeat, abusive man. I would love an answer to the whys.....

    Thanks in advance.

  3. #3

    Parental Alienation Syndrome

    Welcome, Kooka.

    It's a sad situation that you have to live like this. More difficult for your husband I would imagine. The unfortunate part is that the kids are the ones who are suffering the most and they have no control over the situation!

    If I were in your shoes I would find a therapist to help me deal the best way possible with the kids. At least I would feel a little better knowing that I could counteract the damage somehow. I don't know anything about the courts or if you can actually do anymore than you are doing but by seeking professional help at the very least you and your husband can ease your conscience that you are doing all that you can and maybe take care of your own suffering around this.

    Maybe others have had personal expereince with this and can offer you some guidance into what worked or did not work for them.

  4. #4

    Parental Alienation Syndrome

    Welcome, Kooka.

    It's a sad situation that you have to live like this. More difficult for your husband I would imagine. The unfortunate part is that the kids are the ones who are suffering the most and they have no control over the situation!

    If I were in your shoes I would find a therapist to help me deal the best way possible with the kids. At least I would feel a little better knowing that I could counteract the damage somehow. I don't know anything about the courts or if you can actually do anymore than you are doing but by seeking professional help at the very least you and your husband can ease your conscience that you are doing all that you can and maybe take care of your own suffering around this.

    Maybe others have had personal expereince with this and can offer you some guidance into what worked or did not work for them.

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