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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    miami florida usa
    Posts
    83

    Friendships with ex-lovers

    do friendships with ex lovers work? can there be true friendship after a break up?
    Mari

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Ottawa, Canada
    Posts
    32,619

    ex friendships

    Certainly. In my life it has happened -- not often, but it has happened (twice). Sometimes, depending on the circumstances of the breakup, it may take a while for one or both of you to get past the hurt.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    The Land of Wheat Kings
    Posts
    754

    ex friendships

    It's happened in my life also. Both people have to be willing and mature enough to handle it, and I also think it has a lot to do with how the relationship ended.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    miami florida usa
    Posts
    83

    ex friendships

    i'm considering it, have said i would give it a try. not sure if i'm ready. but am willing. he is too. actually he always wanted us to remain friends. we always were friends during our relationship. not sure if it will work but will give it a try. any advice on how to handle it?
    Mari

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    The Land of Wheat Kings
    Posts
    754

    ex friendships

    Hi,

    You sound a bit hesitant but that's alright, it's good to be a bit cautious. As for advice, I could say a few things:

    1. Remember that you are not a couple anymore, a dinner out will just be a dinner out, afterwards you'll probably each go your seperate ways.

    2. He'll date again, meet someone new, are you prepared to deal with that and with her (she might feel a bit odd about her boyfriend hanging out with his ex - which is understandable).

    3. Don't expect him to treat you the same way, he might look at you as just "one of the guys" now, which means no more perks since he's not going to "get any". Oh my, I hope that didn't sound too cynical, I know not all men are like that. :-)

    Maybe I'll stop now before I get myself into more trouble, but good luck and take care Hugsy!

  6. #6

    ex friendships

    I've had it work and had it fail. So much depends on the people involved and their determination to be friends through thick and thin. It's not always easy, and memories that surface can make it more difficult. Some people can deal with problems like this more easily than others. You'll just have to take it slowly and see where things go from here.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    miami florida usa
    Posts
    83

    ex friendships

    we tried it before a few times. each time, i told him i couldn't do it because i still had feelings for him and it was too hard. i still have feelings for him now. so i'm not sure about it working now either. i think he still has feelings for me too but doesn't want a commitment. i will give it another try. but i don't know.
    Mari

  8. #8

    ex friendships

    Hugsy,

    I would be very cautious in your case, since you say you have feelings for him and think he may too. To me, this is setting yourself up for false hopes of it turning into something else. Also, you are denying what you want, a full relationship, in order to give him what he wants, the benefit of having you as a friend and maybe acting out some of his desires for intimacy without any commitment.

    The biggest problem is that as long as you stay involved with this guy, you are unlikely to get involved with someone else. I would tell him I need time to get over my feelings and I'll let him know when I'm ready to see him as a friend. That probably won't happen until you have another man in your life.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    miami florida usa
    Posts
    83

    ex friendships

    hi Jane,
    it has been a bit rocky. sometimes hard, sometimes easy. but yes, i do find myself wishing for the kind of relationship we had when we were living together. and wonder if that can happen again. he says no, but i think maybe. i don't know how long this will continue. maybe until i meet someone new. i'm staying open to meeting new people.
    Mari

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    miami florida usa
    Posts
    83

    ex friendships

    this is so hard. i don't even know why i am trying to do this. at what point do you say to yourself "it's worth having this friendship, even if it hurts sometimes" and at what point do you give up? what am i holding on to? his reasons for wanting us to be friends are my definition of love. i don't understand him. ugh
    Mari

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