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Thread: Female ways

  1. #1

    Female ways

    i was molested when i was young (preteen). i've dealt with it and the way my parents mishandled it. i've come to terms with understanding what happened and why. but among other things i haven't been able to get past, there's this one thing i haven't been able to work through. because of what happened, i became withdrawn and went through most of my life not wanting to be noticed for fear of provoking some unwanted inappropriate attention. i felt unsafe and unprotected so my way of protecting myself was to keep to myself. now i'm at a point where i want to undo, or maybe a better way to put it is, to catch up. i want to catch up on stuff i kept myself from doing. one of the things i feel like i need catching up on is with knowing how to deal with men. there is something that women have, some power (using the term loosely) over men. i have been told that i have it. but i'm not aware of it, don't feel it. and somewhere along the line, if i did have it, i lose it. not sure what that whole process in me is. but i don't like the result of it. i became aware of that missing thing in me one day when i went to see a dance show my niece was participating in. teenage girls expressing themselves through music and dance....it was so beautiful. i sat there and cried. it was like a bucket of cold water hit me, making me aware of something that must have been so obvious but i was oblivious to for so long. i felt like i was in mourning over not having had a time like that for myself. not the type of dance so much but the physical expression that was coming across in their dance. their carefree, confident way of carrying themselves. i mourned for having lost some my carefree innocence so early in life. the way they used their body showed their femenity. their soul, their emotions, it all came through. it all seemed so clear to me at that moment. they were not in hiding like me. they weren't afraid to show their feminity. it made me sad to the point where i cried. it also made me angry that that had been taken away from me. and that it is taken away from so many girls. i was grateful to see that it exists. i'd lost faith in so much. and i was thankful that those girls have the chance to live their life without the fear that was so much a part of my life for so long.
    not sure what my question is. just feeling like i need to catch up on lost time. not talking about going crazy with men. but there is a sensuality in me that is not expressed and that i see clearly in other women. i feel like something's missing. it's the everyday kind of "female power" that i don't feel like i have, but probably do, but don't know how to get in touch with or even if i did, what to do with. i feel that it's holding me back somehow.
    this may seem kind of vague, i'm not able to express exactly what i feel. but hopefully i have been able to express enough so that someone may identify or understand and offer some insight.
    thanks
    Mari

  2. female ways

    Hi Hugsy,

    Could it be like a struggle: wanting to express yourself more as a woman and at the same time being afraid that men will notice you then more and will take advantage of you and mistreat you...? Standing out means taking risks for you.

    Because when you were young the innocent girl was molested, someone (a person who is wrong in the head!) was attracted to you because of you being female.

  3. female ways

    I'm going to say something that's pretty simplistic, but also very true. The sexiest thing in the whole world is a smile. :o)

  4. #4

    female ways

    I wish I could find where I read this, but that prose is the first one that I thought of when I read this post. It said that while the old building may have cracks in it, it is through those cracks that the light gets in. When we close up, we don’t let the good in and keep the bad from leaving.

    I, for one, am glad you had this experience. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have had all these realizations. And while the experience may have been painful (or even bitter), it is presenting you with a wonderful opportunity: to make those wishes into goals. You do have that “power”, it is in you, always has been. So spread those wings and enjoy.

  5. #5

    female ways

    yes, i have been afraid of being noticed by men so have tried to be unnoticable. so now that i don't want to do that anymore, i feel awkward and unsure of how to behave. almost as if i were going through puberty again in some way... learning how to be myself around men, without being afraid. learning confidence in being a woman. learning how to express my femininity. i have no clue how to flirt without feeling afraid that the man will take things to a point where i don't want to go. this is so hard to explain, i don't know how to word it. :-(

    i'm glad too that i had that breakthrough. it helped me see. when i see, i can do something. i can't do something until i see. thing is, now i don't know what to do to bring about change.
    Mari

  6. #6

    female ways

    Quote Originally Posted by hugsy
    yes, i have been afraid of being noticed by men so have tried to be unnoticable. so now that i don't want to do that anymore, i feel awkward and unsure of how to behave. almost as if i were going through puberty again in some way... learning how to be myself around men, without being afraid. learning confidence in being a woman. learning how to express my femininity. i have no clue how to flirt without feeling afraid that the man will take things to a point where i don't want to go. this is so hard to explain, i don't know how to word it. :-(

    i'm glad too that i had that breakthrough. it helped me see. when i see, i can do something. i can't do something until i see. thing is, now i don't know what to do to bring about change.
    Hugsy, just be yourself. Smile, talk, relax. I think that learning how to relax around guys is a start. I understand how you feel about not wanting to get to the point where someone will take advantage of you. The difference now from when you are younger is that you are a survivor and are stronger. You have a voice now that can sound strong when someone goes too far. Start out by being friends with guys right now, you don't need to rush into anything romantic. Let them get to know you for who you are.

    I remember when I first started to work, I was so uncomfortable when men would look at me. I had taken a job as a waitress in high school through a program the school had going. 1/2 day of school 1/2 day of work. Well I was so nervous all the time with the men watching me that i had to stop. Imagine trying to explain to your couneslor that men watcthing yo made you nervous so you had to quit (and to top it off, his son was married to a cousin of mine!)

    It is a step at a time. I know you can do this. And you have everyone in here that is willing to listen to you if you have any questions or any problems.

  7. #7

    just like you...

    Hi Hugsy,

    This is my first time at something like this. But when I read your post it was like seeing my own story in print. I have a great family - and it still happened. From 13 to 21 years of age. I have done a lot of work, and that will continue.

    But I was different to you. I stayed socially outgoing and could talk the legs off a table (still can). But I dressed always in XL t-shirts and floppy tracksuit pants - maybe some old jeans. I am a size 10-12 (Australian size) so everything was very baggy. When I went to my first Mardi Gras I bought my first fitted t-shirt. I was 23.

    In my process I think the first step for me was to learn how to effectively defend myself. When I was confident of that, then I naturally felt more comfortable in more intimate situations - knowing if I felt it was all going in a bad direction I could stop it.

    Men don't necessarily notice the loudest person. I think the best way for you to feel free and safe is for you to know how to protect yourself. By this I mean being able to say no effectively. For me it started as a whimper and grew to a demand.

    Once you feel safe, your sexuality will start to ooze as you feel free to experiment with your posture, your smile, your laugh. These truly are the sexy things...

    [/quote]

  8. female ways

    Hi Hugsy! You believe that women have some power over men, and I would agree with you. It is the power to sexually distract men, to captivate. Unfortunately, a great many girls find out the hard way that whilst they have the power to begin the game, they cannot always control the outcome. Most women I know have been frightened in their youth, by a man who took control of 'the game'. It happened to me, certainly. It is then that we begin to use our powers with discretion! We become choosy about who we flirt with. Your experience happened, presumably, before you even discovered you had this 'power' over men. Therefore, it must seem like it is an involuntary thing. It is not. It is discretionary. Women choose to use it and, if they are sensible, use it on those they feel safe with. It comes from believing you are attractive. Imagine you are one fabulous female, THE fabulous female! Then practise transmitting this to somebody you feel totally secure with. This does not have to be in a sexual way, just in a self-confidence type of way. The confidence of being in control is a lot to do with 'the power'. Put that song on...."I've got the Power". Have a dance. Practise on yourself, to start with! Convince yourself that you are totally fab, when you want to be, and remember that the power can also be switched off, when we want to hide from creeps!

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