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  1. #1

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    A long time ago, a huge fight erupted in our family, causing a certain family member to leave and cut off all communication with us. They insisted that they wanted nothing to do with my side of the family. I was little when it happened and I don't understand why they never wanted anything to do with me personally. Not even so much as a phone call or letter in the mail for me all these years...it seems a grudge is being held against us indefinately.

    Recently, we attempted to contact said family member and sent them a letter and a birthday card. We explained that we were sorry for any part we played in the fight, we had totally forgiven them, it had been such a long time since we had spoken and would like to make contact. Well, after that, we recieved a letter from this person stating that they never want to have anything to do with me or other family members ever again. There was absolutely no hope for a relationship. Basically, they wanted to be left alone. It seems they refuse to move on.

    We were heartbroken by this response, seeing that it's been literally decades since the fight happened. I think it's rediculous to be that angry and hold a grudge against someone for so long. I was very little when my family broke apart and can't understand why this person hates me. I can't understand what would motivate them to harbor such hate and anger for so long at other relatives, too.

    We made the first move to reconcile things but it looks like we're getting nowhere. Is there anything else we can do at this point?

  2. #2

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    A long time ago, a huge fight erupted in our family, causing a certain family member to leave and cut off all communication with us. They insisted that they wanted nothing to do with my side of the family. I was little when it happened and I don't understand why they never wanted anything to do with me personally. Not even so much as a phone call or letter in the mail for me all these years...it seems a grudge is being held against us indefinately.

    Recently, we attempted to contact said family member and sent them a letter and a birthday card. We explained that we were sorry for any part we played in the fight, we had totally forgiven them, it had been such a long time since we had spoken and would like to make contact. Well, after that, we recieved a letter from this person stating that they never want to have anything to do with me or other family members ever again. There was absolutely no hope for a relationship. Basically, they wanted to be left alone. It seems they refuse to move on.

    We were heartbroken by this response, seeing that it's been literally decades since the fight happened. I think it's rediculous to be that angry and hold a grudge against someone for so long. I was very little when my family broke apart and can't understand why this person hates me. I can't understand what would motivate them to harbor such hate and anger for so long at other relatives, too.

    We made the first move to reconcile things but it looks like we're getting nowhere. Is there anything else we can do at this point?

  3. #3

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    I don't think there's much else you can do. You have reached out and tried, but it sounds like they aren't interested. It is sad, but maybe the hurt of what happened was too great for them and this is the best way they know how to deal with it. Lots of times what seems like a grudge or hate and anger is really deep pain. Maybe they'll change their mind someday, maybe not. It sounds like you're completely innocent in all of it and that is really tragic. I guess I would just try my best to let go.

  4. #4

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    I don't think there's much else you can do. You have reached out and tried, but it sounds like they aren't interested. It is sad, but maybe the hurt of what happened was too great for them and this is the best way they know how to deal with it. Lots of times what seems like a grudge or hate and anger is really deep pain. Maybe they'll change their mind someday, maybe not. It sounds like you're completely innocent in all of it and that is really tragic. I guess I would just try my best to let go.

  5. #5

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    Janet has good advice. You gave it your best shot, but the other party isn't interested in reconciliation. For whatever reason, they'd prefer to nurse the old angers. That's their choice. Your best choice is to put it behind you and move on with your life.

  6. #6

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    Janet has good advice. You gave it your best shot, but the other party isn't interested in reconciliation. For whatever reason, they'd prefer to nurse the old angers. That's their choice. Your best choice is to put it behind you and move on with your life.

  7. #7

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    What motivates some members of families to hold grudges for long periods of time? Is it more noticeable in family relationships because if the same situation occurs between "acquaintances" the ties are easier to break?

    Do family members nurture these feelings to elicit feelings of guilt from the other party? Does this have to do with power??
    Steve

    Dum spiro spero....While I breathe, I hope

    Tourette Canada Forum

  8. #8

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    What motivates some members of families to hold grudges for long periods of time? Is it more noticeable in family relationships because if the same situation occurs between "acquaintances" the ties are easier to break?

    Do family members nurture these feelings to elicit feelings of guilt from the other party? Does this have to do with power??
    Steve

    Dum spiro spero....While I breathe, I hope

    Tourette Canada Forum

  9. #9

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    Quote Originally Posted by TSOW
    What motivates some members of families to hold grudges for long periods of time? Is it more noticeable in family relationships because if the same situation occurs between "acquaintances" the ties are easier to break?

    Do family members nurture these feelings to elicit feelings of guilt from the other party? Does this have to do with power??
    I think the relative involved is holding a grudge because they've had anger management issues in the past, and we have rarely seen them express emotions other than anger. Maybe being angry and holding grudges against people is the only coping method they know.

  10. #10

    Family hasn't spoken in years

    Quote Originally Posted by TSOW
    What motivates some members of families to hold grudges for long periods of time? Is it more noticeable in family relationships because if the same situation occurs between "acquaintances" the ties are easier to break?

    Do family members nurture these feelings to elicit feelings of guilt from the other party? Does this have to do with power??
    I think the relative involved is holding a grudge because they've had anger management issues in the past, and we have rarely seen them express emotions other than anger. Maybe being angry and holding grudges against people is the only coping method they know.

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