Thanks Thanks:  4
Likes Likes:  0
Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 52
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Well, my mother's idea of "agree to disagree" is different from yours, I am sure.

    She likes the whole philosophy of that phrase, but actually putting it into action is impossible for her. If she could actually utilize what's behind those words, our spheres would be able to overlap a little. But it's "either you're sucked right in with me or you're spit right out." I've tried somewhere in between, and she doesn't have an "in between!" lol

    ---------- Post added at 01:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:43 PM ----------

    Now listening to:
    "Let It Rain" by Amanda Marshall
    "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette
    "Next Time" by Bear Naked Ladies
    "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne
    "There Goes God" by Crowded House
    "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Enya
    "All Alone" by Gorillaz
    "Could I Be Your Girl" Jann Arden
    "Tornado" by Jonsi
    "Lightning Crashes" by Live
    "She Will Be Loved" Maroon 5
    "Losing My Religion" REM

    Just because that's how I'm feeling right now... And I get to play with my iTunes that I am trying to get used to for my iPhone training at work. lol
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,784
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Quote Originally Posted by jollygreenjellybean View Post
    Well, my mother's idea of "agree to disagree" is different from yours, I am sure.
    I did not mean agree to disagree about an issue I meant agree to live seperate lives. If your parents decide to move to Timbuctu that is their perogative and decision; if you decide to move to Bali then that is your decision. If your mother causes problems with other family members that is on her, not on you. If she chooses not to seek mental health help, again that is her perogative and responsibility not yours. By rehashing the past and her problems with others there is no resolution available to you. You need to look after you and learn to live a great, peaceful life for yourself. The best part of this is you are now free to create and solve your own problems. Let your mother create and solve her problems and let your father create and solve his though I would definitely detach with regards to the money and property issues. As far as the weekly email goes - the weather always changes in Saskatchewan tell your parents about that or the flooding or the mosquitos or the sunsets etc. I hope you all find peace...
    Change begins when you practice ordinary courage

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    lol

    Well, yeah, that's why I said you're definition was different from hers. 8)

    I blocked them from my Facebook today... I was thinking of blocking them from emailing us, too. Because inevitably (because they've already been high-selling BC to us) there will be more pressure from my mom to move to BC with them (laughable) and them paying for us to take vacation with them (more leverage for them) and whatever potential new garbage they would like to throw at me or old garbage they still want to drag me through. The new stuff and old stuff both stink. If I can't have a proper relationship with them, I would prefer not to have a relationship at all. I hate pretending, like the old days, that everything's fine. I don't want to live the lie anymore. And I can see that throwing an icy splash of reality in my mom's face didn't exactly cause her to wake up, it caused her to go further into a coma. And I don't feel like spoon feeding her little bits of this and that.

    I don't want her to consume me anymore, whether she's in vulture form, leech form, or Komodo dragon form... It all hurts to have contact with her in any amount.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,784
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Holly
    Don't sell yourself short - you have the ability to say "No" to requests to move to BC and to vacations with them. Your parents are unable to give you more than what they can give you but you can live your life to the best of your abilities. You have that right and the right to simply say "No". Take back your power to live your life. It is in your hands and in your control.
    Change begins when you practice ordinary courage

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Right now I am taking back my life by living it without them. I am not saying it's forever or if it's permanent because I am not a fortune teller. But right now it doesn't feel right to talk to them in any capacity.

    I'm tired of setting up boundaries and having them broken (or having attempts at breaking them) time and time again. I'm tired of saying "no" like a broken record that no one listens to.

    I would have stopped trying years ago if it hadn't been my mother but it's been 40 years for heaven's sake. Let me have my time to myself for the time being.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Well, I had to laugh... My husband got a birthday card. It didn't really address that it was his birthday. What it addressed was that my parents still really want me to pay for us to come visit them in BC. Even since I sent them that letter, they are still trying hard to get me to visit them or try to convince us to move to British Columbia. I kind of like having a province in between our provinces. The distance has been nice. lol Oh and of course she sent photos of strangers and on the back of the photos she mentioned that there was a lady who was 47 when she had her first child. Because she doesn't want me to give up on having children. I don't want children. That's a very personal choice...

    Anyway some of you lovely people were concerned about my decision to stop talking to my mother (indefinitely) and some even suggested I get in touch with my therapist. Well my husband and I have only seen him briefly (like dropping off cookies for the staff and him at Christmas) in the longest time, so sent him an email and here is his response... Keeping in mind I have spent 2 to and a half years going to see him in sessions... And then several years later I bring this up... He knows of my progress because I email him from time to time to say hello and update him.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hi Holly;

    First off, wow. Suitably generic response to so much, hard to boil down my non-generic response. Your letter was great but given everything you have told me about your mother and father, her response was predictable. She just put up a rubber wall and everything you told her bounced right back, really she did not acknowledge you had any reason at all to doubt or question her behaviour. She essentially did not answer you, just threw up a cloud of sweetness and light. If someone else (her intended audience, it almost seemed) were to read her response they might think “Well, what’s Holly talking about? She seems just wonderful!” But she didn’t answer anything you said except to state, indirectly, that you needed a psychiatrist/psychologist more than she did. She can’t admit fault or blame or even (and this is the crucial point) doubt about anything. It’s a self-administered whitewash. Pure narcissism. I’m sorry to write that, but that is all I could glean from her letter. And at the end, the money thing just thrown in as an afterthought is like a purchase offer: Keep in touch and you can get the 10 grand. It was so innocently yet blatantly thrown in there at the end it caught me off guard because I had to check whether she or you had made much reference to it earlier on but it comes out of nowhere. Holly, she can’t do any better than this but to throw a blanket over top of everything you tried to tell her because, honestly, I don’t think she knows what you are talking about in your letter. If she engages in this process on a daily basis, she can’t just stop and she won’t ever see her actions in the way you and your brother have. In short, in her mind she’s innocent and you are asking her acknowledge guilt. I don’t think she can do it, I think her view of her actions is as coloured as anyone’s by seeing herself as the irreproachable heroine of her own drama. She will take drugs to change how she feels, but she will not examine her own actions or motivations.

    In short, she cannot do what you are asking. She is not, as we say in the trade, psychologically minded. She is psychologically defended. If she was able, she would have doubt and ask “But what did I DO!” She never once asked you what you meant by your letter. She never even considered the possibility she was wrong about anything. But if she saw a shrink, she would get nothing out of it. She can’t present your version of the truth because she believes she is blameless. In her mind and her version of truth, she is blameless.

    And, it follows, your father believes her unreservedly. He would have to, to live with her and love her.

    I am not sure what else you can do, or say, to get through to her. She can’t hear you.


    ---------- Post added at 10:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:37 AM ----------

    Ooops, what I meant to say was "My husband got a birthday card. It didn't really address that it was his birthday. What it addressed was that my parents still really want me to come to BC or for them to pay for us to come visit them in BC."

    My husband got a birthday card. It didn't really address that it was his birthday. What it addressed was that my parents still really want me to pay for us to come visit them in BC.
    See, as I have mentioned before, my mom has 'given' me 'gifts' that she uses as leverage. She and my dad were moving last summer (to go live in BC) and gave us their lawnmower and snowblower. David and I kind of thought they might try something with us because of this and we were correct. My mom came to visit last November and was trying to get us to drop off the snowblower at one of her properties so she wouldn't have to pay a property manager the amount of time it would take to shovel it by hand. So a) instead of my mother buying that property manager a snowblower to manage her own property, and b) and not wanting to pay the property manager for a 45 minute job with a shovel that could be done in half the time with a snowblower, she thought c) it would best if my husband (who has had 2 back surgeries) to go out of his way on a day he's doing guitar lessons (oh, no rush or inconvenience at all) and drop off this heavy snowblower at the other property. No thought about, hey, what if we wake up one morning and are snowed in (it's happened) and David or I have to get to work and our snowblower is at this other property? Then it's me who has to do all the manual shoveling, or worse, my husband (remember the back surgeries and he's had physio for repetitive work injuries on his elbows from a previous job)... So when I said to my husband, okay we could drop off that snowblower at the property and then go get our "own" snowblower, that's when my mom backpedaled and said we could keep it at our house. Looks like she will have to actually use her own resources/money to manage her own property instead of trying to get us to do it for her. Which is a boundary I made clear several times: that I don't want to deal with her properties. Even though she keeps saying stuff like "Well it might just be a little thing once in a very great while." No, it won't be, it will be a convenience for her, but an inconvenience for us if we start helping her out with her houses.

    So when my mother says she will pay for a sitter for our dog, or pay for our gas if we bring our dog, or pay for our plane tickets, etc, I don't take the bait. Because then she can say things like "After all we've done for you why can't you do (task) for us?" And because, for another example, when I was in university she used to 'give' me $10 or $20 once in a while, and say I could just have it because I was working at university full time and I needed the gas and to socialize a bit and that sort of thing. Then a day or two later she'd change her mind arbitrarily and tell me I would need to pay her back the money. So I stopped accepting money from her.

    Well there you have it. I feel much better for my decision. I've always felt that my mother doesn't/can't/won't listen to me because she's caught up somehow in her own little world. I'm tired of say 'no' and reposting my boundaries... It's like talking to a 3 year old but she's in her 60s.... She is supposed to be the mother, not me.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    6,123
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    ...your mother will never hear you, I hate to say. Personal experience. I've finally accepted that in my own life. Right now, my father is dying. And it's still all about her... And now I need to figure out how to manage not letting her move in with me.

    Your mother will never hear you. Mostly because she's too consumed in herself. If your mother is as she appears to me in this post - she will never hear you, nor your brother. It's just not in her ability. So...you can love her, but still impose whatever boundaries keep you safe. It's not always about booting them out. Sometimes, you can have them in your life without accepting the hurt or the guilt that automatically flows from them.... In my opinion....One caveat - I'm still sorting this out too. So what do I know?

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    Everybody has a different way of dealing with things.

    I certainly do not impose my feelings or opinions on anyone else: Just because I choose indefinitely, at this time, not to talk to my mother - it doesn't mean I think everyone else should do what I am right now. I don't mind if someone else chooses to speak to their Narcissistic parent/parents. As I've said before, I may again at some point in the future, get back in touch with my mother. But sure as heck, not right now. If I tried to impose my opinion on people as fact and then take it personally when people don't follow my 'instructions' then I am turning into my mother.

    I can't pretend it's water off a duck's back anymore. To pretend 'what she says and does doesn't affect me' is what I did my whole life. Eating my emotions. Putting up with her crap (and everyone else's) passively. Can't do it anymore, refuse to try. I'm taking charge now. I've drawn the line and my mother continually comes over it. There are consequences for things; if someone constantly do something undesired to someone else, that person then avoids them after a while.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    6,123
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    My comments were not a reproach...just sympathizing and sharing a bit of me. So I'm sorry you chose to take it that way. I'm happy you found a solution for yourself.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Regina, Saskatchewan
    Posts
    2,004
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Re: Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

    So...you can love her, but still impose whatever boundaries keep you safe. It's not always about booting them out. Sometimes, you can have them in your life without accepting the hurt or the guilt that automatically flows from them.
    Sorry, I misinterpreted. Yes, sometimes people can continue a relationship with a parent(s) without accepting the hurt/guilt. I thought when you were saying "you" that you meant me. But I realize that you possibly meant people in general.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Disclaimer: PsychLinks is not responsible for the content of posts or comments by forum members.

Additional Forum Web Design by PsychLinks
© All rights reserved.