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Thread: One liners

  1. #41
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    Re: One liners

    "There are self-driving cars? How long was I in prison?"

    ~ Mom (TV show)

  2. #42
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    Re: One liners

    "Next week I’m gonna have an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia."

    "I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was press redial. The phone started having a nervous breakdown."

    "Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

    "My problem is I was reincarnated without having been alive the first time."

    "I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."

    "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

    "I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments."

    ~ Steven Wright

  3. #43
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    Re: One liners

    "I got in a fight at the Museum of Tolerance over a parking space."

    ~ Paula Poundstone

  4. #44
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    Re: One liners

    Ha ha!! Love Paula Poundstone.

  5. #45
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    Re: One liners

    "I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."

    "Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

    ~ Paula Poundstone

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