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  1. #1

    Fear of leaving...

    I am new here and am hoping to get feedback.

    This may be long as there is a lot of background.

    Eight years ago, I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I was just recently separated from my husband and I had a two year old daughter. It was not the time to enter a new relationship but it all seemed too good to be true. I had a passion for horses and here was this bachelor who ran a riding stable and had a bunch of horses.

    You all know how blissful love is in the beginning. I was so blinded and am so full of guilt today for it.

    A year after we had started dating, I got pregnant. I figured the best thing to do was move in with my boyfriend. I moved out of the house I was sharing with a friend (actually it was her house and she was recently separated as well with two children) to move into this dark dungy basement appartment which was where my new found love resided.

    My friend came over and we re-organized the place to make it look more homey and clean. I mean this place was dirty and disgusting.

    I worked full time in an office and brought my girl to my aunt's place during the day. She had a daycare service in her home and I knew my daughter would get the best of care there.

    I would come home, care for my daughter, make dinner and bring dinner to the barn to my boyfriend as he worked late (until 11pm sometimes Midnight). But then I noticed that he never got out of bed until 11am. He would lay there, smoke countless cigarettes and watch t.v. The horses were never fed early in the morning like I thought a well managed barn was. Also, as he would give riding lessons, he would talk on the phone which really made clients angry.

    I would muck the stalls, help at the barn, make advertisement posters, do accounting paperwork and even set up a website for him with the help of a really good friend. This was on top of my full-time job, the housework and caring for my daughter. I figured, oh well, I'm around horses... my ultimate dream... how bad can it be?

    My son was born a few months after I moved in there and I had a six month maternity leave at home. I came home from the hospital with the baby and asked my boyfriend to smoke outside (I was also a smoker but not a heavy one and I wanted the best for the baby coming home). He flatly refused. The baby spent a lot of time in our bedroom with the door closed and window open for fresh air. I told my boyfriend that there was no smoking in that room as that's where the baby was. When my boyfriend was home, I would bring the baby in the bedroom and when he would leave for the barn in the morning, I would open the windows in the rest of the place to air it out, and then bring the baby in the rest of the appartment. I lost a lot of respect for my boyfriend at the time as I couldn't believe how he could not want the best for his child. How could he be so selfish?

    We would go to restaurants and he wouldn't even go outside to smoke... he would smoke right by the baby. I would have to physically leave with the baby.

    Because he was not allowed to smoke in the bedroom, he started sleeping on the couch in the living room because he liked to smoke and watch t.v. before going to sleep.

    Just before my son's first birthday, we finally moved out of that hole into a nice three bedroom house. I wanted the place tidy and neat for the kids. I restricted smoking to one little room in the basement where we had a couch and t.v. My boyfriend decided to make that his room and slept there as well as spend most of his time there. It got dirty, and disgusting in there... dirty tissues all over the couch (which converted into a sofa bed), spilled drinks on the floor, dirty dishes and empty cans of pop.

    This man also had a personal hygiene problem, which I did tell him about. He worked with horses, was full of dirt and sweat and would expect to have sex with me or lie in bed next to me. I would force him to shower. I mean any decent human being would. Right?

    I also noticed that this guy seemed to like to live on other people's pity. He made himself the victim of everything. This is how he got a lot of help from good people.

    I basically had had enough. Until two years ago when I decided to reclaim my life back by starting to see friends again, getting back into my hobbies and basically rediscovering myself, I was a nobody. I was going through life like a robot. My family and friends knew what kind of person I was before I met him. I was not the laughing happy woman I used to be.

    He decided to have a change of heart in November 2004. He started helping with cleaning, caring for the kids and all. I'm sure he did that out of desperation as he saw that I was getting on with my life and meeting new friends. I was ignoring him more and more and had totally lost respect for him. He was hardly ever home for five years, didn't share the same bed as I because of his habits. I did my thing with the kids and he did his things at work and with his horse friends. How did he expect me to have feelings for him anymore?? I still don't.

    Now he wanted us to go to a relationship course in the beginning of February. I agreed. I went. Not only did it not help him... it helped me figure out that I was with the wrong person... totally. I needed to get out.


    I decided to go to Cuba with my Mom, a friend and her Mom. I needed to get away from him. He was totally insulted as he had wanted to go south with me for years but I always declined. I didn't want to admit to him that I didn't want to be seen with him or that I wouldn't even have a good time with him on any trip. He annoyed me so much! This trip helped me break free, find myself again.

    Now I have this man who claims he loves me eventhough I apparently did nothing for him. He follows me like a love sick puppy but all I can see now is a weak man... a victim. I am a strong, independent woman and I don't need him.

    I realized I made a mistake by staying with this man. Now I want out. He has told me that I never helped him, that I am not a good mother and that I treat my kids as toys. This must be the hurt I've inflicted on him by telling him I want to leave.

    Now... the leaving part. How will it affect my children? I feel like a failure as a Mom.

    My soon to be Ex is making me feel so guilty for leaving in the eyes of the children. He's using them to try to get me to stay. He is involving himself in their lives now which he NEVER did before.

    I am seeing a counsellor on this. I have my second meeting with this counsellor this week.

    Any advice?

  2. #2

    Fear of leaving...

    I am new here and am hoping to get feedback.

    This may be long as there is a lot of background.

    Eight years ago, I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I was just recently separated from my husband and I had a two year old daughter. It was not the time to enter a new relationship but it all seemed too good to be true. I had a passion for horses and here was this bachelor who ran a riding stable and had a bunch of horses.

    You all know how blissful love is in the beginning. I was so blinded and am so full of guilt today for it.

    A year after we had started dating, I got pregnant. I figured the best thing to do was move in with my boyfriend. I moved out of the house I was sharing with a friend (actually it was her house and she was recently separated as well with two children) to move into this dark dungy basement appartment which was where my new found love resided.

    My friend came over and we re-organized the place to make it look more homey and clean. I mean this place was dirty and disgusting.

    I worked full time in an office and brought my girl to my aunt's place during the day. She had a daycare service in her home and I knew my daughter would get the best of care there.

    I would come home, care for my daughter, make dinner and bring dinner to the barn to my boyfriend as he worked late (until 11pm sometimes Midnight). But then I noticed that he never got out of bed until 11am. He would lay there, smoke countless cigarettes and watch t.v. The horses were never fed early in the morning like I thought a well managed barn was. Also, as he would give riding lessons, he would talk on the phone which really made clients angry.

    I would muck the stalls, help at the barn, make advertisement posters, do accounting paperwork and even set up a website for him with the help of a really good friend. This was on top of my full-time job, the housework and caring for my daughter. I figured, oh well, I'm around horses... my ultimate dream... how bad can it be?

    My son was born a few months after I moved in there and I had a six month maternity leave at home. I came home from the hospital with the baby and asked my boyfriend to smoke outside (I was also a smoker but not a heavy one and I wanted the best for the baby coming home). He flatly refused. The baby spent a lot of time in our bedroom with the door closed and window open for fresh air. I told my boyfriend that there was no smoking in that room as that's where the baby was. When my boyfriend was home, I would bring the baby in the bedroom and when he would leave for the barn in the morning, I would open the windows in the rest of the place to air it out, and then bring the baby in the rest of the appartment. I lost a lot of respect for my boyfriend at the time as I couldn't believe how he could not want the best for his child. How could he be so selfish?

    We would go to restaurants and he wouldn't even go outside to smoke... he would smoke right by the baby. I would have to physically leave with the baby.

    Because he was not allowed to smoke in the bedroom, he started sleeping on the couch in the living room because he liked to smoke and watch t.v. before going to sleep.

    Just before my son's first birthday, we finally moved out of that hole into a nice three bedroom house. I wanted the place tidy and neat for the kids. I restricted smoking to one little room in the basement where we had a couch and t.v. My boyfriend decided to make that his room and slept there as well as spend most of his time there. It got dirty, and disgusting in there... dirty tissues all over the couch (which converted into a sofa bed), spilled drinks on the floor, dirty dishes and empty cans of pop.

    This man also had a personal hygiene problem, which I did tell him about. He worked with horses, was full of dirt and sweat and would expect to have sex with me or lie in bed next to me. I would force him to shower. I mean any decent human being would. Right?

    I also noticed that this guy seemed to like to live on other people's pity. He made himself the victim of everything. This is how he got a lot of help from good people.

    I basically had had enough. Until two years ago when I decided to reclaim my life back by starting to see friends again, getting back into my hobbies and basically rediscovering myself, I was a nobody. I was going through life like a robot. My family and friends knew what kind of person I was before I met him. I was not the laughing happy woman I used to be.

    He decided to have a change of heart in November 2004. He started helping with cleaning, caring for the kids and all. I'm sure he did that out of desperation as he saw that I was getting on with my life and meeting new friends. I was ignoring him more and more and had totally lost respect for him. He was hardly ever home for five years, didn't share the same bed as I because of his habits. I did my thing with the kids and he did his things at work and with his horse friends. How did he expect me to have feelings for him anymore?? I still don't.

    Now he wanted us to go to a relationship course in the beginning of February. I agreed. I went. Not only did it not help him... it helped me figure out that I was with the wrong person... totally. I needed to get out.


    I decided to go to Cuba with my Mom, a friend and her Mom. I needed to get away from him. He was totally insulted as he had wanted to go south with me for years but I always declined. I didn't want to admit to him that I didn't want to be seen with him or that I wouldn't even have a good time with him on any trip. He annoyed me so much! This trip helped me break free, find myself again.

    Now I have this man who claims he loves me eventhough I apparently did nothing for him. He follows me like a love sick puppy but all I can see now is a weak man... a victim. I am a strong, independent woman and I don't need him.

    I realized I made a mistake by staying with this man. Now I want out. He has told me that I never helped him, that I am not a good mother and that I treat my kids as toys. This must be the hurt I've inflicted on him by telling him I want to leave.

    Now... the leaving part. How will it affect my children? I feel like a failure as a Mom.

    My soon to be Ex is making me feel so guilty for leaving in the eyes of the children. He's using them to try to get me to stay. He is involving himself in their lives now which he NEVER did before.

    I am seeing a counsellor on this. I have my second meeting with this counsellor this week.

    Any advice?

  3. #3

    Fear of leaving...

    If the parental marriage can be made to be workable, it probably is in the best interests of the children to have an intact family with two parents. However, in my opinion, raising children in a bad marriage -- lacking in affection, conflictual, daily tensions, emotional distance, etc., etc. -- does a lot more harm than having the parents separate. Consider the model you are giving your children for what a relationship should be. Also consider the fact that if you are unhappy what are you going to do when they grow up and leave home? Do you really want to put your life on hold until that happens and hope there is still time for you to create a life that is fulfilling and rewarding for yourself?

  4. #4

    Fear of leaving...

    If the parental marriage can be made to be workable, it probably is in the best interests of the children to have an intact family with two parents. However, in my opinion, raising children in a bad marriage -- lacking in affection, conflictual, daily tensions, emotional distance, etc., etc. -- does a lot more harm than having the parents separate. Consider the model you are giving your children for what a relationship should be. Also consider the fact that if you are unhappy what are you going to do when they grow up and leave home? Do you really want to put your life on hold until that happens and hope there is still time for you to create a life that is fulfilling and rewarding for yourself?

  5. #5

    Fear of leaving...

    Right now I have a fulfilling life with my children. It's just living with my current partner that's the problem. Because he has been out of the picture for so many years (by not being home, not spending time with the kids) I feel like he's in the way because he is wanting to come back into the picture and it makes for a very awkward situation. He's like a little puppy tagging along wherever I go. In the beginning, I always invited him to any activity I planned. But after he cancelled out 95% of the time, I started not asking him so not to disppoint the kids, specially his son. I think we were only ever close when I didn't live with him. Maybe it should have remained that way.

    I want a new home for myself. One where I can be happy and clean and organized! One, like you mentioned, without the stress and tension for the kids.

    He blames me for not organizing him and teaching him how to be clean eventhough I did ask him to pick up after himself. He expects me to spend 2 hours a week working for the barn... I don't have two hours a week for the barn I have trouble finding two hours a week for myself.

    I don't plan on searching for anyone else. My main priority is the kids and getting them through this when it happens.

    As suggested by my counselor, I'm putting together a plan of steps to take in the next few months which we plan to discuss at the end of this week.

    No I am definitely not happy in this relationship and I'm not going to play Mom to a man who can't take care of himself anymore.

  6. #6

    Fear of leaving...

    Right now I have a fulfilling life with my children. It's just living with my current partner that's the problem. Because he has been out of the picture for so many years (by not being home, not spending time with the kids) I feel like he's in the way because he is wanting to come back into the picture and it makes for a very awkward situation. He's like a little puppy tagging along wherever I go. In the beginning, I always invited him to any activity I planned. But after he cancelled out 95% of the time, I started not asking him so not to disppoint the kids, specially his son. I think we were only ever close when I didn't live with him. Maybe it should have remained that way.

    I want a new home for myself. One where I can be happy and clean and organized! One, like you mentioned, without the stress and tension for the kids.

    He blames me for not organizing him and teaching him how to be clean eventhough I did ask him to pick up after himself. He expects me to spend 2 hours a week working for the barn... I don't have two hours a week for the barn I have trouble finding two hours a week for myself.

    I don't plan on searching for anyone else. My main priority is the kids and getting them through this when it happens.

    As suggested by my counselor, I'm putting together a plan of steps to take in the next few months which we plan to discuss at the end of this week.

    No I am definitely not happy in this relationship and I'm not going to play Mom to a man who can't take care of himself anymore.

  7. #7

    Fear of leaving...

    I think that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? You have children. You don't need to have to be mom to an adult as well.

  8. #8

    Fear of leaving...

    I think that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? You have children. You don't need to have to be mom to an adult as well.

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