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  1. #1

    It's been awhile

    Today I had my first anxiety attack in quite a long time! I knew it was coming. I could feel it the past few days and today was the big one. I have been trying to keep my focus on one thing at a time but I suspect that isn't really working. I was with some family members this morning when I was in the height of it. When I'm having an anxiety attack I can't sit still. I jiggle my legs which then my whole body is basically moving and I can't breath properly. I left them to drive to work (an hours drive away) and that can be a difficult task when I'm like this.......so needless to say it took me a long time to get there. I'm very nervous and jump at the slightest things. I can't think now why I went to work because I got just about nothing done, just couldn't concentrate on anything except trying to breath and get it to go away.

    Well, I guess I'm ready to do what I've been avoiding............I have been visiting this site every night for awhile now. Just reading and learning. I'm usually the first person to get stuff off I'm chest but now its like I have stuff to say and then I think that what I have to say isn't really worth talking about. I'm realizing that I may be trying to avoid things or deny things. I'm not sure which or neither?? Back in June when I first posted here I had just found out that my dog had cancer. I put Meagan down on the 21st of August. Up until maybe last week I thought I was doing ok but this is not the case. My heart aches for her and I'm crying alot lately. The morning is the worst especially this past week. My biggest fear in June was that I was going to fall apart (like I had in the past). I was seeing a therapist but I had to stop because my insurance isn't paying for it. There has been alot on my plate as I'm the only person working at home right now (he's returned to school after losing his job). Our house is not finished with the repairs that had been started and that's driving me nuts, there's almost not enough money to do that. And I guess this, which I'm about to write has been weighing on me and I'm saying either I shouldn't write it or .........chrips I don't know what. In May of this year a relative of mine was found murdered in Alberta. She was so young! Now this has opened a can of worms for me like you wouldn't believe. I have no one to really talk about this with.......it's such a screwed up situation and GOD KNOWS I WANT THIS TO ALL GO AWAY. I realize its not just that but boy it seems like I'm getting thrown too may balls and I've forgotten to throw them back so I'm left holding them all.

    Well enough for now. Thanks

  2. #2

    It's been awhile

    Oh, sweetie! You've really got a heck of a lot on your plate! I can certainly understand why you'd be having trouble with anxiety. I would, too, for heaven's sake! I know you said you couldn't afford the therapist anymore, but are you on any kind of anti-anxiety medication? You really need something at this time, and you need someone to talk with! You've lost so much, and undergone so much...it's just too much for one person to bear alone.

    Is there, perhaps, a minister or a close friend who could serve as a sounding board and a comforting presence for you now? Of course, you can come here, and you know we care deeply for you; however, I can't reach out and just hold you close like I want to. Any close friends or relatives nearby?

    I'll bet your family doctor would be able to help with some medication for the anxiety. I just wish there was more I could do. Hugs, hon. My heart goes out to you.

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