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Thread: Friends, etc.

  1. #1

    Friends, etc.

    Why is it that I am always willing to help my friends and others but then when I need to talk there is never anyone there!?!? I am not really asking for the answer but I am in a really upset mood and tonight a friend of mine was on msn and she needed help so even though I was in tears myself I tried to help her then she asked how I was and I didn't go into any details but mentioned I wasn't great, I didn't expect anything she was hurting but she said that she was sorry that she couldn't stick around thanked me for listening and left! I find that I am there for everyone else but there is no one there for me and right now I need someone, I do not know what to do!

    I must admit that I am lucky because I have a lecturer (from uni) who often listens and takes care of me, I have even stayed at her house, but this is different, whilst helpful and I really enjoy it, it is still different!

    Sorry didn't mean to winge, got a lot going on right now is all.

    Heather...

  2. #2

    Friends, etc.

    Just wanted to say that you are not alone. I totally understand how you feel.

    ((hugs)))) Jen

  3. #3

    Friends, etc.

    Thanks for that as weird as it sounds that helps :)

    And thanks for the hugs, some back to you ((((Jen)))) if ok.

    Heather

  4. #4

    Friends, etc.

    hey. I have to say I totally know what that feels like. Not to say that I don't have great social support or people willing to listen. I know that they would be there if I really needed them. But that's just it. I think people first of all become wrapped in their own lives. Also, if you portray an image most of the time that everything is fine or under control, people kind of make up this schema of you being "fine", as in you being able to deal w/ things and not having "issues". I think it also comes down to us just being willing to give out that help (ALL the time) w/out asking for anything in exchange. And when we need help and don't get sufficient amounts than we still say nothing. Try speaking up about how you feel, it has helped me some in the past. And try not to pretend that things are "ok" if they're not. ie. if your friend asks you how you are and you say not so great, don't wait for the same kind of response you would give someone if they said that to you. but be more specific, as in "I'm not doing too well in terms of "x" and I could really need your help/ a friend right now". This sends a clear message about your needs and expectations.

    I could also say you have to stand up for yourself and stop letting people run all over you for advice and using you when they need help, but I know that's easier said than done. I think it's ok to be there for others and some will be willing to provide more support than others, so you don't have to change how you react to them but you can try to alter/influence how they react to you ie. by being honest w/ them when you do need help. If you were to go up to one of your friends and say "I need help right now" I doubt they would blatantly ignore that request. Also, don't expect that people will "know" or "should know" how you're feeling... they don't. No matter how good a friend or what their background is people are not mind readers!

  5. #5

    Friends, etc.

    I am guilty of having everyone think that I am ok even when I am not, I guess it comes from not being allowed to show emotions as a child, so I find it hard now (this is a huge guess though)!

    I don’t expect people to be mind-readers, but I wish they were, LOL! It would make it a lot easier for me!

    Anyway thanks for the advise, I am bad at asking for help and then when I do everyone is busy so I guess I just gave up!!!

    Heather :)

  6. #6

    Friends, etc.

    You know, I am figuring this out more and more too every day, but the one thing is, yes people are busy. You're right about that. But they're busy with something ie. something they know they should be doing, are obligated to do, or just want to do. There is nothing to say that being there for you cannot be part of that mix. But again this goes back to them first of all not knowing that things aren't ok and then them being busy w/ their own lives. I often seem to think people should know but considering they don't I guess that means that no matter how much we want people to know, say something, or just "get it" through clues here and there, they don't. And that's understandable. I'm sure I miss things too, it's human.

    Don't every feel guilty for coming on here to ask for advice or just vent- that's what the boards are here for!! And yes, I think they way people are brought up and dealt w/ in childhood can definately affect later personality characteristics and relationships... it's hard to get away from that. But I think the more you educate yourself about what is going on with you and the more you understand who you are as a person, the easier it will be to portray this to other people and speak up about how you are really doing. it takes constant effort though, just b/c someone knows what's up one day, doesn't guarantee they will know again magically in a month.

  7. #7

    Friends, etc.

    I know what you mean, the business I was talking about though was more their problems, but yeah you are right about the mix thing!

    Anyway thanks for the advise, I am working on this, slowly but it is happening!!!

    Heather :)

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