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  1. Move out or not ?

    Hello eveyone.

    I am new to this forum, and I hope I can get valuable advices on how to proceed. This post is a little bit long, but I would appreciate if you could take the time to read my story.

    Me and my wife of 13 years are now living separately in the same house. Basically, for the last 5 months, we've been talking about divorce. After numerous attempts to save our marriage (including counselling), I am the one who strongly wants to end this relationship which consists in nothign but arguing in front of the children daily. I don't want them to witness thses discussions anymore, and grow up thinking "this is what marriage is about". It starts affecting them emotionally.

    My wife is very reluctant to the idea of losing me. And so far, her "solution" to this has consisted in doing anything she can to stop or slow down the divorce process. I insisted we go to mediation instead of paying thousands of dollars to lawyers. She officially agreed, but deep in her, she didn’t want to do that. She missed the last two appointments with the mediator. I suggested to keep the house and pay her her half, if I have enough credibility at the bank to do so. But in order to find out whether or not I can do that, I told her we need to finalize the mediation process so I can see the 'big picture' first, that means how much family debt I will carry, how much spouse support I will pay, how much child support I should pay, etc etc (by the way, she wants to have them full time, and I want to have them half of the time).

    In other words, I need her collaboration to spped the process and allow both of us to move on with our lives. The problem is, she does not cooperate at all. Moreover, even though she regularly says she doesn’t want to divorce, she also does things just to upset me.
    - Since I started talking about divorce in May, she told me that her insurance stop paying her monthly salary: I found out she was lying
    - In order to efficiently make me believe that she had no pay, she always asked me money for gas, grocery bills, anything; I used a credit card for all the family needs this summer
    - In fact, her insurance had doubled her monthly pay from $900 to $1971; she never told me that
    - On July 1st, she had just received her pay and wanted to go on spend some time in Montreal with friends; I had to take $1000 from my credit card for gas, food and other stuff. She still hadn’t told me that she was receiving $1971 per month, and left me under the impression that she was receiving nothing. In other words, she started this Montreal trip with almost $3000 in her pocket
    - Believe it or not, 10 days later, she calls me and says she needs money
    - In Septembre, she finally admitted that she was receiving that amount, monthly. She admitted that only because I found a bank account summary in the mail
    - That month of Septembre, I tried to plan a monthly budget, because we had lots of responsibilities (kids starting school). Even though she knew how limited we were financillay that month, on Sept. 10th, she told me sha had no more money, even though according to our plan, she had enough money to pay for our food for the whole month. I told her I don’t know what she does with her money, but I just can’t be the guy draws money from a credit card
    - In order to finish the month, she ordered a new VISA. As of today, I have no idea how much debt she has on it and I am scared it is already out of control
    - During the last 10 days of Septembre, my VISA disappeared. I didn’t really look for it in the house, but 1 day, I found it in her pocket while doing the laundry. I rushed to the internet to check what she did with this and guess what: she had spent an extra $700 on my card, even imitating my signature.
    - On October 10th, 10 days (again) after she received her pay, she (again) says she has no more money.
    - Finally, this week-end, she sneaks into my bedroom early in the morning and gives me an unusual hug. In fact, she was coming to steal my debit card. Later in the day, she comes back from her shopping spree and guess what: she had spent $600 on that single day.

    My wife is emerging from a 2 years depression and is about to go back to work. Her psychologist insisted she should go back to work. But, she always manages not to do that, because she doesn’t want to. She is also convinced that since my salary is higher than her, I should get more of the family debt, which doesn’t make sense to me. If that’s the way thinks, it makes sense she buys all these things, since she thinks she will end up paying only 25% of it.

    In conclusion, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to move out, because I have read reports saying that typically, the one who moves out for a long period will not get children custody because the wife’s lawyer will argue that this would disturb the kids. But at the same time, staying at home hoping to give a chance to the mediation turns out to be a nightmare, and may cost me a bankruptcy. The kids are witnessing countless discussions on money, and I hate that. I have the feeling that she is putting money aside, out of my reach. She also knows that past Decembre 1st, it will impossible to sell our house because of market slowdown and thus, she does everything she can so we don’t reach an agreement. For instance, she has missed the last two appointments we had with a Remax agent. What should I do ? Please, help

    We live in Hamilton, Ontario.

  2. Move out or not ?

    Hello eveyone.

    I am new to this forum, and I hope I can get valuable advices on how to proceed. This post is a little bit long, but I would appreciate if you could take the time to read my story.

    Me and my wife of 13 years are now living separately in the same house. Basically, for the last 5 months, we've been talking about divorce. After numerous attempts to save our marriage (including counselling), I am the one who strongly wants to end this relationship which consists in nothign but arguing in front of the children daily. I don't want them to witness thses discussions anymore, and grow up thinking "this is what marriage is about". It starts affecting them emotionally.

    My wife is very reluctant to the idea of losing me. And so far, her "solution" to this has consisted in doing anything she can to stop or slow down the divorce process. I insisted we go to mediation instead of paying thousands of dollars to lawyers. She officially agreed, but deep in her, she didn’t want to do that. She missed the last two appointments with the mediator. I suggested to keep the house and pay her her half, if I have enough credibility at the bank to do so. But in order to find out whether or not I can do that, I told her we need to finalize the mediation process so I can see the 'big picture' first, that means how much family debt I will carry, how much spouse support I will pay, how much child support I should pay, etc etc (by the way, she wants to have them full time, and I want to have them half of the time).

    In other words, I need her collaboration to spped the process and allow both of us to move on with our lives. The problem is, she does not cooperate at all. Moreover, even though she regularly says she doesn’t want to divorce, she also does things just to upset me.
    - Since I started talking about divorce in May, she told me that her insurance stop paying her monthly salary: I found out she was lying
    - In order to efficiently make me believe that she had no pay, she always asked me money for gas, grocery bills, anything; I used a credit card for all the family needs this summer
    - In fact, her insurance had doubled her monthly pay from $900 to $1971; she never told me that
    - On July 1st, she had just received her pay and wanted to go on spend some time in Montreal with friends; I had to take $1000 from my credit card for gas, food and other stuff. She still hadn’t told me that she was receiving $1971 per month, and left me under the impression that she was receiving nothing. In other words, she started this Montreal trip with almost $3000 in her pocket
    - Believe it or not, 10 days later, she calls me and says she needs money
    - In Septembre, she finally admitted that she was receiving that amount, monthly. She admitted that only because I found a bank account summary in the mail
    - That month of Septembre, I tried to plan a monthly budget, because we had lots of responsibilities (kids starting school). Even though she knew how limited we were financillay that month, on Sept. 10th, she told me sha had no more money, even though according to our plan, she had enough money to pay for our food for the whole month. I told her I don’t know what she does with her money, but I just can’t be the guy draws money from a credit card
    - In order to finish the month, she ordered a new VISA. As of today, I have no idea how much debt she has on it and I am scared it is already out of control
    - During the last 10 days of Septembre, my VISA disappeared. I didn’t really look for it in the house, but 1 day, I found it in her pocket while doing the laundry. I rushed to the internet to check what she did with this and guess what: she had spent an extra $700 on my card, even imitating my signature.
    - On October 10th, 10 days (again) after she received her pay, she (again) says she has no more money.
    - Finally, this week-end, she sneaks into my bedroom early in the morning and gives me an unusual hug. In fact, she was coming to steal my debit card. Later in the day, she comes back from her shopping spree and guess what: she had spent $600 on that single day.

    My wife is emerging from a 2 years depression and is about to go back to work. Her psychologist insisted she should go back to work. But, she always manages not to do that, because she doesn’t want to. She is also convinced that since my salary is higher than her, I should get more of the family debt, which doesn’t make sense to me. If that’s the way thinks, it makes sense she buys all these things, since she thinks she will end up paying only 25% of it.

    In conclusion, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to move out, because I have read reports saying that typically, the one who moves out for a long period will not get children custody because the wife’s lawyer will argue that this would disturb the kids. But at the same time, staying at home hoping to give a chance to the mediation turns out to be a nightmare, and may cost me a bankruptcy. The kids are witnessing countless discussions on money, and I hate that. I have the feeling that she is putting money aside, out of my reach. She also knows that past Decembre 1st, it will impossible to sell our house because of market slowdown and thus, she does everything she can so we don’t reach an agreement. For instance, she has missed the last two appointments we had with a Remax agent. What should I do ? Please, help

    We live in Hamilton, Ontario.

  3. #3

    Move out or not ?

    It seems to me that you already know the current path isn't working. There are some things that you can do unilaterally to move toward legal separation, if you're certain that's what you want. And it may be cheaper for you in the long run to do pay the legal fees. By allowing your wife to drag this out, you may be enabling her to believe that she can change your mind. That probably isn't doing anyone any good, including your children.

    I suggest you might want to talk to a lawyer.

  4. #4

    Move out or not ?

    It seems to me that you already know the current path isn't working. There are some things that you can do unilaterally to move toward legal separation, if you're certain that's what you want. And it may be cheaper for you in the long run to do pay the legal fees. By allowing your wife to drag this out, you may be enabling her to believe that she can change your mind. That probably isn't doing anyone any good, including your children.

    I suggest you might want to talk to a lawyer.

  5. #5

    Move out or not ?

    If she has the diagnossed condition of depression, maybe she should move out.
    And it sounds as if the kids would be better provided for by you.
    What are ther ages?

  6. #6

    Move out or not ?

    If she has the diagnossed condition of depression, maybe she should move out.
    And it sounds as if the kids would be better provided for by you.
    What are ther ages?

  7. #7

    Move out or not ?

    I agree with Dr. Baxter. You really need to talk to an attorney. Divorce is difficult enough when both parties are willing to cooperate. When one of the parties is constantly throwing a spanner into the works, it becomes all but impossible without professional advice.

  8. #8

    Move out or not ?

    I agree with Dr. Baxter. You really need to talk to an attorney. Divorce is difficult enough when both parties are willing to cooperate. When one of the parties is constantly throwing a spanner into the works, it becomes all but impossible without professional advice.

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